New Member
|
can someone help me make this script more lighthearted....
the context is relevant to storylines several months ago but any suggestions, other than what actually happend, would be much appreciated as i want to make this good enough to send in as a sample of my work
INT. HANNAHS BEDROOM. DAY 12:00
'Rewind' by Paulo Nutini plays over menus.
Music continues.
DANNY and HANNAH are snuggled up in bed, just stirring and starting to wake up. DANNY leans over and kisses HANNAH on the cheek and whispers something into her ear and she smiles. Outside the bedroom, NEVILLE puts his ear to the door and can hear them, he opens the door slightly and can see them, his face has a look of surprise and anger but walks away.
INT. JAKES ANd NANCYs flat. DAY 12:01
Music continues.
A depressed and worn out looking JAKE is getting things together to take to hospital, he's grabbing lots of baby's clothing and stuffing it into a bag, as well as some of his own things. He turns and looks at the photograph on the bedside table of him, NANCY and CHARLIE. He picks it up and sits down on the bed. He stares at it and moves back and forth like he is worrying and stressing over a complicated plan.
INT. HOSPITAL. DAY 12:02
Music continues.
NANCY is in a hospital ward looking exhausted. She receives a text from JUSTIN asking how she and CHARLIE are, offering his support whenever she need it. NANCY presses 'reply' and starts to write a text back, she bites her lip in a anxious manner.
EXT. HOLLYOAKS VILLAGE. DAY 12:03
CALVIN is walking CARMEL to work, as they kiss to say goodbye Warren and LOUISE come out of Evissa arguing. LOUISE and CALVIN catch each others eye and look guiltily away. As CARMEL enters Warren looks around to see CALVIN. CALVIN walks off.
MUSIC ENDS.
Scene 1. INT. ASHWORTH's House
HANNAH furtively creeps down the stairs to the kitchen, HANNAH is leading the way trying to see if the house is empty, she looks worried.
HANNAH
I think everyones gone, you can come down.
DANNY
God, why do we have to do this, its pathetic
HANNAH
You know why, my dad's just worried about me, he doesn't think I should be seeing you. You know how it is with fathers and daughters.
DANNY
It's just weird, if we're going out, we're going out, they should know about it, we shouldn't have to creep around like this...
HANNAH
Maybe you should stop coming over then,
(HANNAH smiles at DANNY flirtatiously)
DANNY
You know i like coming over, i just want us to be serious, I don't want you hiding me to your family.
HANNAH
I'm know, I'm sorry, I'll speak to him later, what you want for breakfast?
DANNY
When will you speak to him?
HANNAH
Today alright, I'll speak to him today, I've got to go in to the shop and help him later, I just need the right time. Now what do you want for breakfast, you must be starving after that workout last night.
(They both smile and embrace one another, kissing passionately)
Scene 2. int. hospital
JAKE approaches the children's ward and enters the correct key code to get in. As he walks in he is approached by a nurse leaving,
Nurse
Good morning Mr.Dean, here to see CHARLIE?
JAKE
Yes how is he doing today? Is he still on ward 7?
NURSE
Well, we had to put him in the incubators last night so he's on level 2 right now, you can go straight up. Your wife's up there now, I'm sure she'll be glad to see you.
JAKE
Thanks.
JAKE walks straight on through and stares through the pane of glass where there are several incubators inside, he sees NANCY staring down at CHARLIE looking worried. She turns her head towards him and he quickly moves out of sight.
Scene 3
CALVIN enters Evissa. LOUISE walks away from her client and over towards him not looking happy.
CALVIN
Is CARMEL about?
LOUISE
What are you doing here! (whispering)
LOUISE pulls CALVIN over to one side.
CALVIN
CARMEL forgot her phone, i just came to drop it off.
LOUISE
She's out, she's gone to the shop to get something for me, she'll be back any second. What are you doing here, you've got a nerve.
CALVIN
Look what happened was a mistake, I'm not particularly pleased with myself either, I love CARMEL so I don't want her to find out. But what you told me about Warren, I can't leave it. I'm asking you to do the right thing.
LOUISE sees CARMEL on her way back over to Evissa.
LOUISE
She's coming. Look, what i told you you're going to have to forget, I shouldn't have said anything, just forget it! If you say anything to the police, I'll tell CARMEL about the other night. Don't even think about it.
CALVIN looks taken aback. CARMEL enters.
CARMEL
Hey babes, what are you doing here?
CALVIN
You forgot your phone, I just thought I'd drop it off. You know I can't go an hour without one of your special messages!
CARMEL laughs, kisses and hugs him, as she does so, CALVIN looks over her shoulder at LOUISE, they exchange a glance. LOUISE looks disgusted, almost in a jealous way, she walks away.
scene 4. SU BAR
JUSTIN and KATY sitting down having lunch.
KATY
What's yours like?
JUSTIN
Pretty awful, they don't know how to make edible food here, wanna taste it? Anyway, listen, i need to talk to you about something.
KATY
What's that? Not another..
Justin
I texted NANCY earlier, I told her that I'm going to help out with CHARLIE any way i can, if that means with the bone marrow, then I'll do it. I'm going to head down to the hospital later.
KATY
Right.
JUSTIN
What do you think?
KATY
Just the fact that you didn't even bother talk to me about this before you texted her. I think it's something we should decide together, it affects me as well you know. It's just a bit selfish.
JUSTIN
Selfish! Selfish. The last thing it is is selfish, I'm being responsible here, this is my kid and I need to be an adult about it. It's just taken me a while to realise it. I'm off, I told NANCY I'd meet her at 2, I need to go.
JUSTIN gets up to leave, leaving a ten pound note down to cover the bill.
KATY
JUSTIN! I just wish you'd spoken to me about it...
SCENE 5 INT. DRIVE N' BUY
HANNAH enters the Drive N'Buy beaming with a big smile. NEVILLE looks up from serving a customer and scowls at her as she enters, forcing a smile.
HANNAH
Hi Dad!
NEVILLE
Afternoon. You're late.
HANNAH takes off her bag and coat and places them behind the counter.
HANNAH
Sorry, i had to stop off to help Rhys with something, you know he's been so kind to me lately.
NEVILLE
What and I haven't? I'm always here for you, me and your mother are always puttinf you first. Sometimes i just don't think you appreciate us!
HANNAH
What's happened? What's got into you?
NEVILLE
Do you really want me to answer that. What do you think it was that woke me up in the middle of the night? You think I don't know you've been creeping that DANNY Valentine into my house in the early hours of the morning, sleeping with my daughter!
HANNAH
Dad. I'm sorry, I've been meaning to talk to you about it, I like him. I like him a lot. And he treats me so well. He makes me so happy.
NEVILLE
So it's alright to secretly sneak him about my house, thinking I don't know, in my own home. Do you think I'm an idiot?
HANNAH
Dad, i'm 19! Stop treating me like this.
NEVILLE
You're my daughter and while you're still living under my roof, you'll follow my rules. I don't like that boy one bit, I don't want to ever catch him in my house again. He comes from bad stock.
HANNAH
What does that mean! You don't even know him!
HANNAH is at breaking point, she is about to burst into tears, she grabs her bag and runs out.
NEVILLE
Where do you think you're going, you need to help me here young lady!
NEVILLE shakes his head in furious disappointment as she exits.
Scene 6 ext. outside drive n' buy
HANNAH runs out of the Drive N Buy, she takes her phone out and scrolls down to DANNY, she calls him and talks in a broken voice as she is crying.
HANNAH
DANNY, please come over to The Dog when you get this. My dad knows you stayed last night, he's so mad at me. Ring me when you get this.
scene 7 int. hospital
Outside the pediatrics ward, JAKE is still waiting for NANCY to exit. He has been watching her. She's been talking to the DOCTOR.
DOCTOR
That's excellent news. How soon do you think the father will be available for a marrow transplant?
NANCY
He's meant to be coming in today to see CHARLIE, so I'll pop the question then. I'm just so tired, I feel awful.
DOCTOR
Listen Mrs. Dean (NANCY grimaces at being given the title of Mrs. Dean) I really think you should have some rest, you've been here all night, leave CHARLIE with us for a few hours and try and get some sleep. He's safe here.
We see JAKE looking through the window (O/S) at NANCY and the DOCTOR talking in the ward. As NANCY begins to head towards the door, JAKE moves off screen, NANCY exits and answers a call from JUSTIN.
NANCY
Hi JUSTIN, I'm just coming down to the main entrance to get some fresh air, I'll meet you down there.
scene 8 int. evissa
LOUISE is behind the till working on some figures, whilst CARMEL is cleaning and polishing the mirrors. LOUISE seems in a stern mood whilst CARMEL is in her own happy dreamworld.
CARMEL
Why's it so empty today? I don't like it when it's quiet. I love chatting to all the customers and getting all the gossip.
LOUISE sighs deeply, looks disapprovingly over and continues working...
CARMEL
Sometimes I think I should be a writer, I could write so many good stories with all the stuff I hear.
LOUISE
Please, CARMEL, I'm trying to concentrate here.
CARMEL
Sorry, only trying to fill the silence
LOUISE
Well silence is what i want, ok?
A few moments pass, then CARMEL gets a text, she looks down at her phone
CARMEL
oooo...CALVIN's got a surprise waiting for me at home, i'm so excited! I wonder what it is. He's such a sweetheart
Just as LOUISE looks like shes about to lose it, Warren walks in not looking happy, he takes LOUISE to one side,
LOUISE
Whats up now babe?
Warren
Have you been talking?
LOUISE
What do you mean?
WARREN
You know what I mean, have you said anything to anyone about what you found in the flat, cos i swear if it was you..
LOUISE
No, no, of course it wasn't me, you have to trust me!
WARREN
Last night they raided Johnny's club over in the city-centre, they found things, it's serious, I've got a feeling they might come over to the Loft. Someone is leaking, someones blabbing to the police, i need to know I can trust you!
At this point, Warren has alerted the attention of CARMEL who looks over at them. Warren realises it's not the right time,
WARREN
Me and you, we're going to have a chat later, I've got things i need to get done right now. (He leans in close and whispers clearly) Keep your mouth shut!
WARREN hurriedly exits.
CARMEL
What was all that about?
LOUISE
Stay out of it CARMEL!
LOUISE takes her phone and texts CALVIN, 'We need to talk asap.'
scene 9 INT. THE DOG
HANNAH is sitting down outside by herself, she looks like she has been crying, DANNY arrives, she stands up and they hug.
DANNY
Hey..What's happend?
HANNAH
It's my dad, he went off on one
DANNY
What did he say?
HANNAH
He just knows about us, I think he saw us this morning in bed together, he thinks it's awful, he's never usually this angry about anything
DANNY
So it's me. I'm the problem.
HANNAH
It's not just you, it could be anyone,
DANNY
What as in JP, was he ever like this with JP?
HANNAH pauses momentarily, she doesn't say anything.
DANNY
I knew it. I knew it was something else, he doesn't like me because of the colour of my skin! He can't stand the thought of his daughter with a mixed race boy.
HANNAH
No DANNY, its not that.
DANNY
What is it then?
HANNAH
DANNY i need you right now, please listen to me, I don't care about my dad, even if that is how he feels, I don't care, I like you, that's all that matters.
DANNY
I'm fed up of this now HANNAH, you're dad's a racist! It's either me or your dad, there's no more going back and forth.
DANNY gets up to leave. He pecks her on the cheek, she goes to hold him but he pulls away,
DANNY
Let me know when you've decided.
HANNAH is left distraught by the ultimatum.
Scene 10 INT. hospital cafe
NANCY and JUSTIN are sitting down at a table, NANCY is clutching a cup of steaming tea and JUSTIN looks slightly uncomfortable, not taken off his Jacket.
NANCY
CHARLIE needs you JUSTIN, you could save his life.
JUSTIN
I know. I'm sorry. I admit I've been selfish lately. I'm here now and I want to help you and CHARLIE in any way I can. He is my son, my blood, and he deserves my help.
As the conversation continues JAKE's figure looms in the background, then we see JAKE's face (CU), he is furious, he storms off upstairs.
NANCY
I think it's important you come up and see him, I think it'd be good for you.
JUSTIN
Yeh. I'd like that. Why don't you get some food inside you, you look like you need something. Then we'll go up.
NANCY
YEH. (NANCY breaks a smile)
Scene 11 int. hospital WARD
JAKE rushes into the corridor. He leans his back onto the door to CHARLIE's ward to catch his breath for a moment. He is sweating profusely. He looks slightly scary, almost psychotic. We see his face (CU) and hear the imaginary voices inside his head: a judge ruling against him in the custody of CHARLIE; NANCY saying 'he tried to rape me'. Darren, 'She finally came to her senses then'. JAKE suddenly turns and walks through into the ward, we can see him through the window going towards the incubator where CHARLIE is lying asleep. It is clear that JAKE is going to try to kidnap CHARLIE.
ad tag
|
You wouldn't like it if it was the other way round! 
