One day Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pick up. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4 wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, "Bubba, take whatever you want." So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
"Got Blue and Black 'cos I likes to chill..." My Adidas by RunDMC
When I was born a wise woman said that I would either have a fantastic, photographic memory, or I would be a brilliant lover, a sex god. But if...... damn, I forgot what I was about to say!
"Got Blue and Black 'cos I likes to chill..." My Adidas by RunDMC
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
"Got Blue and Black 'cos I likes to chill..." My Adidas by RunDMC
Macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...
... whether you're here or not."
"Got Blue and Black 'cos I likes to chill..." My Adidas by RunDMC
Back in the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up,whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' sumthin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
"See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said he old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your a3se and it won't hurt near as much."
"Got Blue and Black 'cos I likes to chill..." My Adidas by RunDMC
A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his wife at 3 o'clock in the morning. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that, " asks his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3 in the morning, and it is pouring outside."
"Well you have a short memory, "says his wife. "Can't you remember about 3 months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed,and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please." comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.
"Got Blue and Black 'cos I likes to chill..." My Adidas by RunDMC
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of "500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you £500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed "500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
ONCE I LIVED IN CAPITALS, MY LIFE INTENSELY PHALLIC. but now i'm sadly lowercase with the occasional italic.
damn, I forgot what I was about to say!
