A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the shop to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
>to men..."

Husband: "What?"

Rafa Benitez sent his scout to Iraq in the search of a new striker. The scout came back and recommended a 20 year old who really impressed. Rafa himself flew out to see the lad and was really impressed and signed the striker instantly. A week later Liverpool were 4-0 down to Man Utd and Rafa sent the boy on with 20 mins to go. It was a miracle: the lad scored 5 and liverpool won 5-4. After the game the lad phoned his mum to tell her about his 1st day in English football. He said, "Mum, they all love me! We were 4-0 down, I came on, scored 5 and we won!"

"Fabulous," his mum replied, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot, me and your sister got beaten up and your brother ran off with a rebellious group".

"I'm so sorry," the boy replied.

"So you should be," said the mum,"it's your fault we moved to liverpool in the first place!"

A national newspaper recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from a bl*w job.

Seven per cent said they most enjoyed the sensations.

Five per cent confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.

Eighty eight per cent said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.......

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the
table. She looks into her little bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells... "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the damn cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-a55es downstairs and grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen
good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F#%*ING PORRIDGE YET ! ! !"

A man goes into a store and asks the Assistant for some "Irish Sausages".

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

" If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

The assistant says, "Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're at Homebase."

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda. He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never

get better...........thank you for shopping at Asda

Some classic Tommy Cooper jokes.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.

And more.......

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

And my all time personal favourite:

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.

"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

An old age pensioner walks into the room where her husband has his head buried in the newspaper and she is carrying a massive grin on her face. Being curious, the husband asks why she has a grin on her face so the wife says:" I was at the doctros just now and he said that I have the breasts of an 18 years old girl, the thighs of a 22 years old lass and the legs of a 25 years old model". The husband slowly takes his head out of his newspaper, pushes his glasses to the end of his nose, looks up at his wife and asks in a sarcastic voice:"oh yeahhh...and what did he have to say about your 65 years old arse?"....
so the wife turns around, still grinning and says:"Your name never came up dear..."

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, she said that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, "of course they're too big.
I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and
I always will. I don't want you to forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

I don't know if this has been posted before, but I found it funny:

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
the
Most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to. "

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most
beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be ten times richer than you.

"The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired
About her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart
attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here, go back to work and continue feeling good.

Male readers ONLY: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show you never listen!

Johnny Cash arrives in heaven and is shown around by St Peter.

Amongst other things he spots Ollie Reed and Keith Moon getting p#ssed and quaffing drugs, Elvis munching on Squirrel burgers and Jimi Hendrix hanging out with groupies.

Thinking to himself that this a bit of a neat number, he's horrified to see Bono standing there. Turning to St Peter he enquires as to how they could let him in and St Peter replies............................


"Don't worry about him, it's just god, he thinks he's Bono"

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her
husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some
more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!!

Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE
are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ...

CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost
your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to
salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!"

The wife stared at him. "What the &^%$&^% is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"Â The husband calmly replied,

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers. Red sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Wedding Ring:
The smallest handcuff in the world.

Son: Dad, how much does it cost to get married:
Dad: I don't really know, my son, but I am still paying for it.

Politician:
A voter to politician seeking vote: I would rather vote for the devil than vote for you.

Politician: Since your candidate (devil) is not contesting this time, will you not consider my case sympathetically?

Wife in Court:
Wife (in court to judge): Sir, I just want him to leave me as he found me.

Judge: That may be a little difficult, but how did he find you?

Wife: I was a widow.

A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill.

Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck.

He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.

Two planeloads of aid for New Orleans have just taken off from John Lennon Airport Liverpool - to assist with the looting.