I'd be surprised if the mods allow this one to remain, just for the first one.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.........

So I took her to a petrol station.

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a small high school in country Queensland. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling it leaves you with...

"Dear School,

God Bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the local Community Home for the Aged. My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome.

My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low I can't hear it. For some reason she has never wanted to share it. Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces and caused her to cry. It was so sad. Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine. I told her to f**k off.

God Bless you.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnson"

Paddy and Fergal are half way over the atlantic, travelling back to Dublin from New York on a 747 when the captain comes over the intercom. " Ladies and gentlemen we have lost one engine, it's not really a problem, the 747 can fly quite easily on three engines, but our arrival at Dublin will be delayed by about thirty minutes". Paddy looks at his watch and shrugs, " bye jees fergal that 'll be half an hour less in the bar tonight". An hour later the captain comes over the intercom and says," We've just lost another engine, but don't worry, the 747 can fly safely on two engines, it just means we'll be an hour late in arriving at Dublin" . Paddy turns to fergal and says," that'll be even less time in the bar tonight then," Another half hour passes and the captain comes on again and says "We have just lost the third engine, but i'm hopeful we'll make it back to Dublin Safely, though our arrival will be delayed even further" at this point Fergal turns to Paddy and says, " My god Paddy , If we loose that fourth engine we'll be up here all bleedin day"

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, How many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration."

I would say that's true, but fortunately, I'm too young to know

I heard a good joke on Kerrang FM of all places:

Why did the scare crow win an award...?

Because he was outstanding in his field

Delia's Way v The Real Woman's Way

Delia's Way

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Woman's Way

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.


Delia's Way

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Woman's Way

Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.


Delia's Way

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Woman's Way

Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.


Delia's Way

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

The Real Woman's Way

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."


Delia's Way

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Woman's Way

It could keep forever. Who eats it?


Delia's Way

Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Woman's Way

Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the crust.


Delia's Way

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Woman's Way

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but who gives a sh*t?


Delia's Way

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Woman's Way

Why do I have a man?


And finally the most important tip

Delia's Way

Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Woman's Way

Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!

quote:

Originally posted by Curva Fiesole:
Two planeloads of aid for New Orleans have just taken off from John Lennon Airport Liverpool - to assist with the looting.

lol

What kind of key will open any door?


..........A Pikey.

Who's been watching Jack Dee ? Dara O'Brien (sp?) was excellent. Seen him hosting enough shows and doing five minute slots but it was good to see him do a 'proper' gig.

Not sure if this is a true story or not, I was told this last night.

There is a Mr & Mrs type competition on a radio show in Australia. The contestants are asked three questions and, if they both answer the same, they win $20,000.

First up is the bloke.

First question, when did you last have sex? After his initial reluctance, due to the fact that his wife is a school-teacher, he answers 8 o'clock this morning.

Second question, how long did it last. He answers 11 minutes.

Final question, where did you have sex? Again, after being reluctant, he answers "on the kitchen table" explaining that his wifes parents are staying with them and they had to seize the opportunity when it arose.

Putting the bloke on hold, the DJ explains to the wife that, if she answers the same as her husband, they win $20,000.

First question, when did you last have sex? She refuses to answer, explaining that she is a schoolteacher and her pupils might be listening. However, after coaxing from the DJ she answers 8 o'clock this morning. CORRECT

Second question, how long did it last. Again, after an initial reluctance, she answers 11 1/2 minutes. CLOSE ENOUGH

Final question, where did you have sex? She refuses to answer, she is a schoolteacher and she can't possibly answer. Again, she is reminded that she is one question away from $20,000, now, where did she have sex that morning.

She answers "Up the a***!"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

New Phrases for 2005

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking b*llocks.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSH*T - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McSh*t with Lies.

BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Ho! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman.

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*cking blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

quote:

Originally posted by blackandblue:
Dara O'Brien (sp?) was excellent. Seen him hosting enough shows and doing five minute slots but it was good to see him do a 'proper' gig.

I thought he was pretty good. I laughed out loud a few times.

A man goes into a record store and goes up to the girl at the counter.

"Excuse me, do you have anything by the Doors?" he says.

"Yes" she replies, "A bin and a fire extinguisher."

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting,
cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want
toknow!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit
steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the
rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000
bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the mans should and says ‘you will shag her again…..’

Mistaken Identity

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him, and saying hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful and says, "my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher!!!"

Rugby:

There are only two things on this planet that are large enough to be seen from space with the naked eyes:

1.The Great Wall of China
2.The gap in the Lions'backline

Top tips (must have been nicked from Viz):

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE MEN. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a **** anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.