A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container .

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM".

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus? "

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"


The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Rocky, a mafia wise-guy, just had gotten paid a plentiful sum of money. He decided to improve his image and have a swell night-out impressing the ladies. So he went and purchased a custom tailored Armani suite, a Forzieri shirt, and a pair of £500 Gucci shoes. After being well suited for his night on the town, he started out at his favorite night club; where he new the ladies were hot and wanting. The atmosphere of the club was upbeat, discrete and sensual.



Rocky saw a familiar girl that he approached, and asked, “Hey Andria, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Andria, you have on a pair of pink panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, “Rocky that is unlike a gentleman to say such a thing”; slapping him and walking off the dance floor.

He didn’t give it a second thought and proceeded to his next prospect, a girl he once met at a party; he approached her saying, “Hey Rosalia, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Rosalia, you have on a pair of blue panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, Rocky, you are such a pig”, slapping him and walking off the dance floor.

Still determined to get laid while having a good time, but less assured by is new image, he approached another girl who had a promiscuous reputation. He said, “Hey Delanna you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Delanna, what color panties are you wearing?” She said, “I’m not wearing any panties Rocky”. He said, “Well that’s good Delanna”. She said, “Ohhhh Rocky, why do you ask?” He said, “There for a moment I thought I had a scratch on my new shoes.”

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

What have Heather Mills & Everton got in common? Their second leg is just for show!

Everton have just announced 'Easy Jet' as the new club sponsor - They will get new shirts with ''in and out of Europe in a few hours'' printed on.

An old lady falls over outside Goodison and Moyes goes over to help. He asks the lady can she manage and she says ''F off I don't want the job!''

How many Evertonians does it take to change a light bulb? As many as you like, they will never see the light.

After Everton's crap start to the season I nailed my season ticket to the club gates in disgust. Next day I had a change of heart and went back for it - and some b***ard had nicked the nail.

Rumour has it that Everton have got a new sponsor: Tampax. The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

What's the difference between Nigel Martyn and a taxi driver? A taxi driver only lets in four at a time

Why does David Moyes keep visiting Argos? Because that is the only way he can pick up any Premier points

Whats the difference between Everton and a tea-bag? A tea bag stays in the cup longer

David Moyes goes into a building society to deposit some money. Whilst there, a robbery takes place, and David is knocked unconsious during the struggle. In a few minutes he comes round, but is still very confused,What, er, how, er, where am I? he mumbles. Relax. Your in the Nationwide says a paramedic. Moyes replies, Bloody Hell! You mean I've been asleep all season?

David Moyes went to the Everton Xmas party dressed as a pumpkin. Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.

The Post Office have just recalled their latest stamps The special set of commemorative stamps had pictures of Man United players on them...but people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

A husband and wife are travelling by car from London to Southampton. After hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel in Southampton and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later to get on the Isle of White ferry, the receptionist hands them a bill for £350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the receptionist although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth £350. When the receptionist tells him £350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to The Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-size pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from England, Ireland and the U.S.A. perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is not moved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says, "This cheque is only made out for £100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you £250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Waiter! Waiter! What's this soup called?

I don't know, but the fly's called Bert.

Just for Ronnie

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were
eating lunch and Raul said;

"Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump
off the top of the stadium."
Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham
& Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his
death.
Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
Beckham opened his lunch, saw the ham & Cheese and jumped to his death
as well.

At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"
Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at Posh Spice.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

Entries to a Washington Post competition Asking for a Rhyme with the most romantic First Line...but the least romantic Second Line...


Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you totally screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ar5e and having the balls to say, "You're next, fatty!"

These are 'genuine clips' from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water it is a funny colour and not fit to drink?

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

quote:

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy

Might have been Ronny

Policeman Plod is driving down "Lovers Lane" and he sees a rather large four wheel drive vehicle with all the windows steamed up. He smiles and drives by. He sees another only 50 yds down the road and again the windows are all steamed up.

Another 50 yards up the road he sees an old Ford Escort with the windows down and the guy in the front drinking tea. He looks in the back and sees a young lady doing some knitting.

PC. Plod is not happy with the situation and stops to speak with the couple.

"Evening", he says to the lad.

The young man turns around and acknowledges the policeman.

"What you doing son ?" enquires the policeman.

"Drinking tea" he replies

"Is that your girlfriend in the back ?"

"Yup"

"What's she doing ? " asks the frustrated policeman.

"Knittin'"

The policeman by now is losing it.

"What is she doing in the back knitting, while you're in the front drinking tea when you're on lovers lane ?"

The young lad doesn't reply.

By now the policeman is totally losing it.

"How old are you son ?"

"17"

"Right, now we're getting somewhere, and how old is your girlfriend ?"

The young man looks and his watch and replies ....



"16 in ten minutes"

FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP..........

1, its important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks cleans and has a job
2. its important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. its important to have a woman who you can trust and doesnt lie.
4. its important to have a woman whos good in bed and enjoys being with you
5. its VERY VERY important that these 4 b1tches dont know each other!

This happened at a major Australian University (allegedly). During a biology lecture a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class. As she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize".

Then it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', a guy, his voice booming Over the same public address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?"

BRITAIN REVOKES USA INDEPENDENCE
(A Message To the citizens of the United States of America):

"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour [!].

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen-Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast British actors to play British characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football - you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with
rugged, masculine features. And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his ar5e.

How do Australians find their sheep in tall grass?
Very satisfying.

FORZA ROMA