Anyone heard about Everton's new sponsor ?
RYANAIR...In and out of Europe in 3 hours..

Sign outside Goodison Park .."Coming soon for one night only....Champions League Football.

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:

1st woman: "I froze to death."

2nd woman: "How horrible."

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV."

1st woman: "So what happened?"

2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked every where, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors.
>They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
>actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of
humour.
>
>Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how
>do the plants grow? (UK).
>A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
>
>Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
>A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
>
>Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
>A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
>
>Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
>A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
>
>Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
>of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
>A: What did your last slave die of?
>
>Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
>A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
>Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
>not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
>Kings Cross. Come naked.
>
>Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
>A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
>we'll send the rest of the directions.
>
>Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
>A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
>
>Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
>A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
>is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
>in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
>
>Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
>A: You are a British politician, right?
>
>Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
>A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
>
>Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
>A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
>Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
>
>Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name.
>It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
>A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum
>trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
>them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
>
>Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
>A: No, WE don't stink.
>
>Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
>tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
>A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
>
>Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
>smaller than the male population? (Italy)
>A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
>
>Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
>A: Only at Christmas.
>
>Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated
>while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
>A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
>
>Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
>A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
>

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you ba*tards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you ba8tards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat
bi8ch in the kitchen."

A Duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any Bread"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No.
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any ***ing bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any fú*king bread, ask me
again and I'll nail your fú*king beak to the bar you irritating bas***d
bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?

That made me laugh....

You can't beat a good bird joke. Here's another...

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Gee, I wonder what
happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. I happen to be a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird.

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then, answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but ! since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to
buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me because I don't have any feet.Just make the guy ! an offer!"

The guy offers and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is
sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great
pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy
is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and
the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and
began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her
all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, " WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned If I Know. I Got A Hard-On and fell off my perch."

Just in:

David Blunkett has released the following statement:


... . ... .. .... ... .. .... . . . . ..... .. . .. . ... .... . . . ..... . . . . . . .. . ... . . . . . . . . . .. .... . . . .. . . .. . ...... ... . .... . ..... . . . . .... ... . . .... ...... . ...... ..... ... . ...... ..... . ...... . . . ......... .. . . .... . ....... .. ...... . ....... ....... .. . .... .. ....... .... .. ... .. .. . . .... ... . . ........ . . . ...... . . . ...... .. ... ..... . ... .... ... ... .. ... .. . ... .. .... ... .. .... .. . . . ..... . . ... . ... .... . . . . ..... . . . . . . ... . ... . . . . . . . . .. .... . . . . . . .. . . ...... ... . .... . ..... . . . . .... ... . .... ....... .

Don't forget to use your private health care!

The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified
she wanted to see absolutely everything.

During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was
w*nking. "Oh my!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the
meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your
Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only
following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his
testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing
this problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is
a danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly.
"Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a
patient a bl*w-job "Oh my goodness!", said the Queen, "What on earth
is happening in there?"

The Doctor replied;

"Same problem, but he's with Bupa".

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks,
"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door." Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Get your hands off me, b*tch! I'm married!"

Who kidnapped the octopus?



Squidknappers.

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.

"Its your turn now, Will," grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked, "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"

Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings!"

I want to be old!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in George street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi B*****d. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a piece of stinking dog sh1t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a sh1t. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

What's yellow and runs off a 13 amp plug?

George Best
------------------------------------

Apparently they're not having Christmas lights in Vietnam this year.

They're hanging Glitter instead

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have
to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer
willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
scouser , the b1tch stole ma wallet!".

Best joke I've heard in ages that, la!

Me too, kid.

This is like propper funny yeah? D'ya get me?...



There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?). She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!' So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End. Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'

It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged it you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey' Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

Austrailian definition of a good friend.

I'm getting a bit tired of all those namby, pamby, girly, sissy, completely wet "friendship" poems, that never come close to reality. So, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry b@stard who made you that way.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had Sex.

4. When you are scared - I will tease the cr@p out of you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use only little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have (but I will deliver you chicken soup anyway!).

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why you may ask? Because you are my friend.

Send this to 10 of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.