Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and
dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a bj, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Friday 18th November 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late
so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I
suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later
he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant
and a bit cold, and started to think that he was going to leave me and
that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.



MAN'S DIARY:

Friday 18th November 2005

Keane Leaves United. Gutted. Got a shag though.

A little girl gets lost in Tesco. A security guard finds her and asks, "What's your mum like ?"

The child replies, "Big c*cks and vodka, mister."

After a meal out at a local country pub last Friday, my wife and I were driving home, when we noticed a hedgehog on the side of the road. It had been hit by a car and was in a bad way - however, it was still alive.

I picked it up and took it to the car, so that we could take it to the local animal hospital. I opened the car door , placed the hedgehog on my wifes lap and got in.

As I drove off my wife said "But what about the smell?"

"Hold it's nose" I replied.

Top Tips

SUDOKU lovers. Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to sudoku.sourceforge.net, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.
T Wensleydale, Cheshire


EPILEPTICS. Next time you have a seizure, check yourself in the toilet mirror afterwards to make sure your best friends haven't drawn glasses on your face with a marker pen to the amusement of the rest of the nightclub.
J Roo


TVBOSSES. Improve the quality of live TV news by giving 'roving reporters' the sack on air if they say 'erm...' more than three times in a single report.
Mark Glover, Coventry


SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
Graham Marsh


FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple."
Brian Clark


FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!
D Clegg, Cirencester


CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.
Paul Collins


SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.
James Powell-Brett


DISCARDED PALLETS make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.
Jamaal


FELLAS Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.
Mark Hudson


DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
Fish Kid


MARK LAWRENSON When the camera moves away from you in a wide shot on Football Focus, don't do that shifty sideways glance to see if you are still on screen as you get caught every time.
Mark Bates


WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.
Lee Cawood, Hull


GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
Chris, London


SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls.
Dominic Rickard


MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
A. Feather, Caterham


MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.
Manytrix


BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
James Smyth, Hitchin


GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
Reginald


W*NKERS. Save yourself a great deal of embarrassment by checking that none of your housemates have come home from work sick and are sleeping in their rooms before you put a p*rn vid on in the living room with the volume on high.
Lachlan Barker, e-mail


MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
A Corten, Caerleon


BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
James Bell, Email

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.


As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"


He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the
display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for
February, ONE for March....."

Following Manchester United's unfortunate exit from Europe this week, the Premier League have announced there will be a minutes laughter before each match this weekend.

Authorities have confessed that George Best was not buried in Belfast and that the decision to cremate his body in Hemel Hempstead might have been a mistake.

quote:

Authorities have confessed that George Best was not buried in Belfast and that the decision to cremate his body in Hemel Hempstead might have been a mistake.

Think Curva's just won the funniest post ever award!

I actually don't understand it at all.

Its a joke based on the explosion.

Ive yet to suss it out though if its good enough to be "post of the year".

quote:

Originally posted by Giancarlo:
I actually don't understand it at all.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

Alex Ferguson went into Burger King and asked for two whoppers. The lad behind the counter said: Manchester United will win the Champions League and everybody likes them.

Squad news coming out of Maine Road:

David James has been axed but Joey Barton denies it was his brother.

quote:

Originally posted by il ferret:

quote:

Authorities have confessed that George Best was not buried in Belfast and that the decision to cremate his body in Hemel Hempstead might have been a mistake.

Think Curva's just won the funniest post ever award!

Couldn't agree more. Fantastic!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Dear Friends

With Christmas almost upon us, I'd like to extend my heartfelt appreciation to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.

* Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat cr@p in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

* Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

* Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.

* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

* I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

* I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.

* I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

* I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

* Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

* I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diahorrea will land on your head at 5:00PM (GMT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, so get busy!



OH AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

What do baby chimps sleep in?

Apericots!

It must be Christmas cracker season!

quote:

Originally posted by Curva Fiesole:
It must be Christmas cracker season!

I'm sure there will be plenty of crap jokes tomorrow