"So Rudolph... how do you pull Santa?"

"Buy him a drink and tell him he's sexy!"

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, and the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers?



In case he got a hole in one!

arf arf

A woman is like a pack of cards. You need a heart to love her, a diamond to marry her, a club to smack her in the head and a spade to bury her.

Which bird always succeeds?

A budgie with no teeth

What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?

About one mile an hour

colin powell walks into george bush's office to deliver the latest reports from iraq
"i regret to inform you mr president that 3 brazilian soldiers were killed in a suicide bomb attack yesterday"
on hearing this news george bush breaks down into tears, he's unconsolable, crying into his arm.
"sir your compassion astounds me" says colin
george can barely talk but fighting back the tears he says "colin thats terrible news...but to clear one thing up....exactly how many is a brazillian?"

quote:

Originally posted by Shevchenko:
colin powell walks into george bush's office to deliver the latest reports from iraq
"i regret to inform you mr president that 3 brazilian soldiers were killed in a suicide bomb attack yesterday"
on hearing this news george bush breaks down into tears, he's unconsolable, crying into his arm.
"sir your compassion astounds me" says colin
george can barely talk but fighting back the tears he says "colin thats terrible news...but to clear one thing up....exactly how many is a brazillian?"

I like that one!

quote:

Posted 02-10-05 21:15
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Forza Milan
MPC - Vivrete sempre nel mio cuore

All credit to Verno back in October

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small
house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man
with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much

as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to
the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed
alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into

her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet

so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room,
exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large

rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the
boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture
2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than
castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Good stuff intercelt. I laughed out loud for the first time in ages. I needed that after yesterday's torture.

Timing ist alles as Hitler almost said. You need to wait until you come across golf bores to tell this one. At an appropriate pause in a dull golf conversation you say "A friend of mine has this amazing golf ball. It makes a noise when you whistle, so it's absolutely impossible to lose. He's hit into thick bushes, trees and all sorts and he always manages to get it back". Somebody will invariably ask "where did he get it?" and you reply "he found it". Oh, you'll be the toast of the golf club...

Man goes to see the Doctor

"Doctor I think I have caught that bird flu that's going around"

"What makes you think that sir"

"Well.... I've started wearing make up, talking boll*cks and can't park the
car"

Two canibals eating a clown...One turns to the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Heaven is where:
The lovers are Italian
The organisers are Swiss
The beer brewers are German
The police are British
and the wine makers are French

Hell is where:
The lovers are Swiss
The organisers are Italian
The beer brewers are French
The police are German
and the wine makers are British

Twelve young priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring.

Times are hard for this couple. The husband has lost his job and there is no money coming in. They are falling behind with their mortgage and the bills are piling up so one night the husband tells the wife:"Honey, I know you will hate me for saying this but I think you should start walking the streets to bring in some money". The wife is outraged and naturally she refuses but after a lot of smooching by the husband she comes round to it. That night she tarts herself up and off she goes and does not come back for 48 hours. Two days later and absolutely exhausted she drags herself into the house. The husband gives her a hug and says:"So, how did it go?". She says:"I made £202.50". The husband is a little bit disappointed but assures his wife that things will get better next time and that she is still inexperienced. As he is leaving the room to let his wife get some sleep he turns around and says:" Out of curosity, who gave you the £2.50?". So the wife turns lifts her head up, looks at the husband and says:"All of them"

There was a man who worked for the Post Office... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses .One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds,he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day,all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later,another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. It must have been those thieving *******s at the Post Office.
Sincerely, Edna

Little Boy writting to Santa: "Dear Santa please send me a sister this Christams". Santa writes back..."Ok. Send me your mother"

'Did you hear about the pregnant bed-bug?'
'Shes giving birth in the Spring'

Oooof! Its not overly funny...