Last one for the night: I'm cleaning out the 'inbox':

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b@stard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy.........



You explain the kids."

Urgent newsflash from the DVLA:

In order to assist other motorists in identifying potentially dangerous drivers, it's now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average IQ and driving ability to display a warning flag.
The flag (comprising of a red cross on a white background) will be attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle. For drivers of exceptionally low mental ability, additional flags are required.

I don't know whether I've posted this before but I can't be bothered to search through the thread, so what the hell, here goes:

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my Family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes, in the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation And leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her bre@sts. Still, nobody says a word. So he rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and scr@ws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, I'll do the f**king dishes!".

Ha Ha that was quality

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."

The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*&^ing blanket."


After a moment of silence, he farted.

9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my cr0tch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ar5e to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". D@mn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid £7 to come to the cinema and stare at the d@mn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest d@mn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb@ss?

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 pen1ses (touching door handles etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently m@sturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently m@sturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' an@l gases.



HAVE A GREAT DAY...



...and wash your d@mn hands

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh1t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his @ss.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

An Australian guy decides to travel around the GreekIslands. He walks in to a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters,and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her:"Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, taking a sip of his bee, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you."

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize!"

But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?"

Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates
looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting
motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England.
They're shite and we can't be bothered". Ronaldino looks at them and says
"Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub. "

So Ronaldino goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the
Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder
how the game is going,so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldino 10 minutes)".

He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later
and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now,
let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - England 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the
dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself.
And they only scored at the very, very end!"



"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

He scored and then got sent-off against England? Presumably the first was a 40-yard sliced cross.

A door to door salesman knocks on a door.
A boy about eight years old answers, dressed in stockings and suspenders, with a fat cigar in one hand and a large glass of red wine in the other.
"Is your mum in, son?" says the salesman,
The boy replies, "Does it f****** look like it?"

Glad others are taking up the slack!

quote:

Originally posted by blackandblue:
During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 pen1ses (touching door handles etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently m@sturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently m@sturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' an@l gases.



HAVE A GREAT DAY...



...and wash your d@mn hands

You really know how to spoil one's day

An old Arab man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Abdul, who used to help him, was being held by the FBI for aiding and abetting terrorists.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Abdul,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Your Dad, Mohammad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.:
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don’t dig up that garden, that's where I buried the biological weapons.
Love, Abdul.

At 4a.m. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any weapons. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,Abdul.

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head four times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have."

"Good, son. What is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German ba5tards."

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied
a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very
large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian
Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20
foot shark!


The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in
time. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing
white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and
fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two
reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs,
beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious
Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a
hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen
calling them to the yacht.

On reaching the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the
England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the
England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for
sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and
knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F all about shark fishing. How's the
bait holding up ?"