Not sure if this has been done before but here are some Peter Kay lines (apparently):

* When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

* Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

* I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

* I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

* I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

* A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

* I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

* My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

* Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

* I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'. I said 'No, six should be enough."

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

* I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

* You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

* Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

As Mr. Etim was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do. "It must be true," she said. "That's the second time you've read that article to me."

Hmmmm.................yyyyesssss


One night a drunken driver was pulled over by a female cop and was told that he was under arrest and anything he said would be held against him in court, to which he replied: TITS!


WHOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

It was George the Ppostman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a fiver.' The breakfast was my idea."

Province of Ihambane, Ministry of Fish and Wildlife, Mozambique: WARNING.

Due to the rising frequency of human-lion encounters, the Ministry of Fish and Wildlife, Ihambane Branch, Mozambique is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any motorcyclists that use the out-of-doors in a recreational or work-related function to take extra precautions while in the bush.

We advise outdoorsmen to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as t give advanced warning to any lions that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry 'Pepper Spray' with him or her in case of an encounter with a lion.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh lion activity, and be able to tell the difference between lion cub shit and big lion shit. Lion cub shit is smaller and contains lots of berries and dassie fur. Big lion shit has bells in it and smells like pepper.

Enjoy your stay in Mozambique.

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: you're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay. You're not. He has a date coming over tonight. You only have one ar5e.

(Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

(A) 45 lbs

(Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

(A) 45 minutes

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

'Out of the office' notices:

I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged 5.99 for the first ten words and 1.99 for each additional word in your message

'The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY:

I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.

When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

BnB you're a star!

It was either tell a few jokes or start attacking FatRon9 because, having read his sh1t for the last few weeks, he is seriously pi55ing me off. I've been off the forum because of it. So it's jokes or nothing at the moment.

Poor bnb *hugs*
FatRon9 annoys me too.

Just have a go at him. And it may be childish, but it's enjoyable. As are a lot of things.

quote:

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FatRon9 annoys me too

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Imagine how his parents feel.

quote:

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Originally posted by Juvefans:
* I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

---

I remember laughing uncontrollably during a Spanish lesson a couple of years back. We had to look up translations for family members, and the dictionary went:
Stepbrother
Stepdaughter
Stepfather
Stepladder

P545 of our Spanish dictionaries are legendary.

Thanks for the support. Too many things going wrong at the moment and he is just the icing on the cake. I'll be back to myself soon and then there will be a right tear-up!

quote:

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Originally posted by blackandblue:
It was either tell a few jokes or start attacking FatRon9 because, having read his sh1t for the last few weeks, he is seriously pi55ing me off. I've been off the forum because of it. So it's jokes or nothing at the moment.

---

What the hell is your problem?

Attack me for what reason?

Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were.

The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun.
I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times."
And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing.
I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it."
And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.

The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the cat."

"PER SEMPRE JUVENTUS"

Duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "Have you got any bread?"

"Sorry," says the barman, "it's a pub, we've only got booze"

"OK," says the duck and leaves.

Five minutes later the duck walks back in and asks the barman "Have you got any bread?"

"Er..., no," says the barman, "as I said, it's a pub and we only sell booze"

"Right-o" says the duck and leaves.

After another five minutes the duck walks back in and asks the barman "Have you got any bread?"

"Look" snarls the barman, "it's a f*cking pub and we only sell booze. Ask one more time and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar!"

"Calm down" says the duck "I was only asking" and leaves.

Another five minutes pass and the duck walks back in and asks the barman "Have you got any nails?"

"No," replies the barman

"Right then, have you got any bread?"