A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian." ....

This is an old one I heard recently:

Who was the only 20 stone man to ride a Derby winner?
Lester Piggott's cell mate.

Not exactly topical,but I liked it.

Newcastle Utd's defence has to be the biggest joke in the world right now.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down I D 1 0 T.

I used to like Harold.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says, "I'd like a job please". The shop owner says, "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?"

Skeleton goes into a pub,
asks for a pint of beer and a mop!

What do Richard Hammond and Elton John have in common?

Both their helmets are covered in skid marks.

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now
you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.

Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but something
happened. I'm trying to break this gently but
your penis was chopped off in the accident and we were unable to find it."

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be
alright, we have the technology now to build you
a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an
inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches
you want. But it's something you'd better
discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you
decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a
nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this
time she might be disappointed. So it's
important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next
day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken
with your wife?".

"I have " says the fellow

"And has she helped you in making the decision?".

"She has" says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The bloke looks up and says "We're having a new kitchen".

Q: What's a wombat for?
A: For playing wom.

Sorry, but I'll do anything to bring this back to the top :

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "ChickenSurprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

You're going to love this...........





"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck".


(God, that was bad, even for me!)

This is better, but I don't know if I've posted it before:


Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:



"Dave...............




Dave................




Dave................

































You're a vet!"

Three friends were talking about death and dying. One asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The third guy says, "I would like to hear them say Look, he's moving!!"

Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says in to the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, bloody stop clapping then!!"

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:"Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

Caution... They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said... "where???"

They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".

They Walk Among Us!!!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but, "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

They Walk Among Us!!!!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....(maybe I should have bought 10 cases)

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
"has your plane arrived yet?"...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yep, they walk among us AND they reproduce!

Hear the one about the magic tractor.

It drove down a road and turned into a field.
Boom Boom.

I was feeling a bit horny this morning so I tried it on with the missus.
She wasn't receptive to my advances as she said she had an appointment with her gynaecologist later that morning and wanted to be fresh and clean for it.

Not to be put off I asked her if she had a dental appointment later too !!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

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You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says, "Yes.... how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"



"Didn't feel a thing."