Boy: "Dad, what's the difference between theoretically and realistically?"

Dad: "Go and ask your mother if she'll sleep with the milkman for £2 million"

The goes and asks his moher and returns to his father.

Dad: "Well?"

Boy: "She said of course she would."

Dad: "Now go and ask your sister if she'll sleep with the postman for £1 million"

Again the boy goes off and asks his sister if she would sleep with the postman for £1 million and returns to his father with the answer that she indeed would.

Dad: See, here's the difference. Theoretically we're sitting on £3 million but realistically we're living with two slappers!

The AfterLife....

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there
was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his
word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to
the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex
pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then
have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi"

That's quality!

A Cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks. There were only 3 survivors: George, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex all the time, Deirdre felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both George and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but George and Darren managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and George and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.



So......



They buried her.

It's so wrong, yet so right..

This thread should NEVER slip down this far.


In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 Kilo of Poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh1£.

The Korean who killed over 30 Americans has been named - Shu Ting Yanks.

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children... and then her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later... and has 22 children by her second husband.

She dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin,looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together."

A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

"No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."

Anyone seen the latest email jpeg doing the rounds? It nearly killed me...

It's a photo of a funeral procession with 4 pallbearers carrying a coffin with the logo of Littlewoods' "Spot The Ball" competition.

It has just been announced that David Beckham is to arrange Alan Ball's Funeral.

In an interview, Victoria said 'it was no supprise because David had been Englands best dead ball specialist for years'.

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my chest.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little b*****d!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies."

"Oh. ! Killing any?"

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females."

"How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can,



2 were on the phone."

Q - what do you do if a birds craps on your windscreen?

A- don't ask her out again!

(classic)

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."


So he tied her up and went golfing.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish migrant worker went to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "That's my next door neighbour!"

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"


The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - - silence - -

HUSBAND: ***K.