Leedsd Aid Song

It's Christmas time,
The Whites are so afraid,
It's Christmas time,
They've not got enough points from the games they've played.

But in our Black and White world of plenty,
Souness spreads a smile of joy,
Throw your arms around Leeds fans,
At Christmas time.

But say a prayer,
Pray for the poor whites,
At Christmas time, it's hard,
When your team’s playing shite.

There's a world outside your window,
And it's a world of LUFC fear,
Where the only water flowing,
Is from whining Blackwell’s tears.
The receiver’s hands ringing was the clanging chime of doom,
Well tonight thank Peter it's them instead of you.

And there won't be many points for them this Christmas time,
The greatest gift they'll get this year's a draw,
Where no pass ever goes,
No flick or long ball flows,
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

(Here's to us),
EUFA next round still to come
(Here's to them),
Getting beat off Rotherham.
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Feed the Whites (Good old Ricketts, he is mint!),
Feed The Whites (Let them know that we aint skint! ),
Feed The Whites
Do they miss the premier league at all !


*NOTE

Every £1 raised will help to support the thousands of single mothers
around the city, until they leave school and can claim from the social.


With special thanks to Bob Geldof and Midge Ure for original tune and Mr.Peter Ridsdale without whom none of this would be possible!

Dave,

Where on earth did you learn about that?

Sorry B'n'B I've given somebody else the credit for your most annoying find.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.
"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Head of Human Resources was hit by a bus and he died. His soul was met at the Pearly gates by St Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven", said St Peter." Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Head of Human Resources make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you".

"No problem, just let me in" said the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the man.

"Sorry, we have rules... " And with that St Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and he found himself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of him were all his friends - fellow executives that he had worked with and they were all cheering for him. They ran up and kissed him on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where he enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. He met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and he had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook his hand and waved goodbye as he got in the elevator.

The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and he found St Peter waiting for him. He spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. He had a great time and before he knew it his 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got him.

"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity" he said.

The man replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all that, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St Peter escorted him to the elevator and again he went back to Hell. When the doors opened he found himself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. He saw his friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to him and put his arm around his.

"I don't understand," stammered the man, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at him and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff....."

top one Bnb. Now i've got another heaven related joke, it's ancient so youv'e probably heard it before in some form or the other.

A celtic fan arrived at the gates of heaven and was greeted by St Peter. St Peter asked Kevin ( the celtic fan) numerous questions about his life to decide if he has getting in or not. Kev answered them all correctly and was only one question away from getting into heaven and then St Peter said to him. "have you ever done anything of outstanding bravery " "yeh" replied Kev, "Once i was walking down the street when i saw a gang of rangers fans attacking a solitary celtic fan so i shouted, "Hey ya bunch of b*st*r*s leave that poor bhoy alone." So they left the lad alone and started chasing me." "Really " boomed St Peter, "That was very brave of you but when did this happen " and wee Kev replied "ach, about five minutes ago."

The names of person's involved in this joke are fictional, except "Kevin's" that was purely inserted as a complete and utter wind up.( some members of this forum will understand.)

I'm sure he'll see the funny side. What's in a name, eh?

do you think kev will think the same way?

Och aye, nae problem .

He's a big lad, though .

Modern-Day Trafalgar

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy. "England expects every man to do his duty".

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." (Flags are raised)

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability".
"What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest
it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ..full
speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch
of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in
too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers
on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that
sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy

An elderly lady visits her plastic surgeon complaining that every time she
gets a face lift its only a matter of months before she needs another one.
The surgeon being a sympathetic man offers her an experimental treatment.
The treatment he tells her , involves screwing a small knob into the back
of her head and every time she feels her face sag she can just tighten it
up. The elderly lady leaves looking like a twenty year old and is
delighted. However the story does not end there.

About 6 months later the lady returns to the surgeon complaining of bags
beneath her eyes. "Those aren't bags" he tells her. "Those are your breasts
from where you have tightened up the screw too much". The elderly lady
replies, "that would explain my new goatee then."

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the air.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to
no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Q. What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

A. Christopher Walken.



Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs between a girls legs?

A. A clit round the ear and a flap across the face.

Found this on a website and laughed my head off. Some of the other stuff's good as well.

quote:

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Originally posted by blackandblue:
Found http://www.codalmighty.com/site/ca.php?page=gurns/36 on a website and laughed my head off. Some of the other stuff's good as well.

---

Real nice find bnb

The voice of reason!

A man escapes from prison after serving time for 15 years. He breaks into a house searching for money and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chaiir. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clodths! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. DThis guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."

One out of four people in this country may be mentally unbalanced. Look at your three closest friends. If they seem ok then you're the one!

They are all playing Football,Cricket,and 2 codes of rugby,for England!!!!!

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL in my garage, and I have over twenty five million dollars in the bank. But not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."