Jack was about to marry Jill and his Father took him to one side.

"When I married your Mother,the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers" he said." I gave them to your Mother and told her to put them on."

When she did,they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them as they were too large.

"I told her,of course they were too big.I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.Since that day,we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his Father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding,he did the same thing; he took off his trousers,gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.

Jill said the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them."Exactly" replied Jack,"I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will.I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.

"Try these on." she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly,"replied Jill."And if you don't change your ****king attitude, you never will."

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter,
and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too
young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as
a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being
a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and
relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run,
really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end
was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he
said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to
explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going
on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and
then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again
and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet
another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he
heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're s****in' all over
the bed!"

Never try to outsmart a woman..........

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,
and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he
said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it
in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died,
she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He
was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and
her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just
before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait
just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the
casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with
him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account
and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

The Beast

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out
the beast in me." So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a mouse?"

Coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."


The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."



Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that,
show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and
showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles
decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he
spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary
man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father
will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with
Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!

Women's Revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I
asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.

Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can
take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by
the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Wife Vs Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife
replied, "in-laws."

Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to
his wife and asked, "What?"

Stupid And Beautiful

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Subject: Claude the Hypnotist

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" exclaimed Claude.

It took 2 weeks to clean up the theatre.

An OAP has just come back from her visit to the doctor and can not contain her excitement as she walks in through the door. The husband is rather bemused by her behaviour and asks: "What are you so excited about?". The wife replies: "The doctor told me that I have the breasts of an 18 years old, the thighs of a 25 years old and the skin of a 30 years old". The husband with his head burried in his newspaper tutts and asks rather sarcastically: "Oh yeah and what did he have to say about your 65 years old ar*e?". The wife pauses for a second, turns around and says: "Well...your name never came up dear!".

Did you hear the one about the fat Real Madrid forward smashing his computer up????

He heard there were cookies inside.

To quote a mediocre actor from an anything but mediocre film.......

"You really are just a simple creature"

Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please

Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.

Customer: Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?

Shopkeeper: Ah that's the same , Cancer scare

Customer: Hamburger Relish?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare

Customer: Sausage and Mash?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare

Customer: Cottage Pie?

Shopkeeper: Yes, ..no wait, Cancer scare.

Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare?

Shopkeeper: Yes

Customer: (sigh) Just give me a packet of fags then.

Shopkeeper: Certainly. £4.50 please.

Customer: Thanks !!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know,a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well you see, I have two brothers. One is in America and the other is in Australia, and I'm from Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. One day he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want
to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs, "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, " It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though."

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Arthur Scargill ?

Arthur Scargill hasn't seen a minors helmet in 20 years.

I stuck my donor card instead of my bank card into the cash machine last night

Cost me an arm and a leg.

"Doctor, doctor - I'm into sadism, bestiality and necrophilia"

"Really ? I'd give it up if I were you - sounds like you're flogging a dead horse"

How do you make a c__t bubble ?

Set Tony Blair on fire.

Crikey Verno,

Not often you hear a lady use the 'C' word (even if it is in censored text format)

I never actually say the 'C' word out loud. It isn't very nice. As you pointed out, Lee, I am a lady.

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back
the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never
even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving
habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5
miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of
clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever
had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered
off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not
hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover
myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to
put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck
driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear
her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him
out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am,
if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

Quality!

Be very proud to be British Because:

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.