Aliens stole your legs while you were sleeping and used them to make expensive luggage for the patrons of their hyper cruise ship to strut around with...

It's nearly Christmas!!! Aaaaaggghh!

Nooooo... Christmas is lovely...

I've had my tree up a good few weeks now...

I don't actually own a tree. I might have to go for a Smith and Jones style annual nicking of a christmas tree.

Is it cheaper to buy a saw or a christmas tree?

It's easier to steal a saw than a Christmas tree....
So make a plan...

Distract someone in Homebase by looking at the Lawnmowers and garden furniture (It's winter they'll think your an idiot) then whilst they're laughing run off with a saw...

Then sneak into the forest (watch out for those badgers though they have TB nasty that it kills cows, I thought we had abattoirs to do that?) cut down a nice furry tree (they look like this) and your sorted..

Ho ho ho Merry Christmouse...

It's even easier to pull the duvet over your head, and not come out 'til January.
(February, even, if you've got enough pork pies under there with you).

Oooh, it's January, can I come out now?
Perhaps not, it' raining!

You're a victim of paralysis, and your carer has gone AWOL.

You want to be late for work yet again, so you'll finally be fired. Once the inevitable happens, naturally you'll sue your former employers for wrongful dismissal by claiming that you lost your job as a result of sexism/racism/homophobia/etc. Then comes the large compensation payment.