Here's a few to start you off.
1. The consistency of a 'number 2' is inversely proportional to the availabiliy of toilet paper and the size of the cubicle that will be used.
Examples:
Regardless of diet when you go to use the cramped bathroom on an aeroplane your excreta will take on the consistency of wallpaper paste and will do all in it's power to become 'unwipeable'. Likewise in the absence of any paper. 'Self Wipers' are reserved for those occasion when you'd really rather you had an excuse to stay in the batroom longer.
2. The higher functions of conversation in the brain are adversely affected by the society in which on finds oneself.
Examples: When talking to people who are either manifestly smarter than you or higher up the social or business scale. You will often find yourself rendered incoherent and or confined to lower order topics of conversation. The above rule 1 for example came to me mid way through a dinner party in which 2 PHD's a Bank manager and senior ranking officer in the army were present. In addition, despite having not watched the last 3 seasons I found my brain welling up with an encylopaedic knowledge of Big Brother contestants and found I had a sudden interest in the lives of Jordan and Peter Andre.
3. Memory is subject to stress.
Examples: The more important a memo is, the less likely it is that you will remember to pass it on. If you attempt to get around this by writing it on the back of your hand or on a post-it note you will find that you a) have a suddenly sweaty hand and b) manage to find the only post-it not in the pad that will not stick to any surface.
4. Just as a watch pot never boils, a watched clock will travel backwards.
Example: the 5 minutes immediately preceeding five O'clock in fact takes half an hour in real time. This isn't due to any quantum activity but is simply due to the sheer number of people who at that momment are watching the clock.
Scientists believe that if the whole world were to watch the clock at the same time it would actually be possible for the earth to travel backwards in time. Chinese economists have suggested that their government capitalise on this by supplying all workers with wrist watches to further extend the scope of those five minutes.
5. The realisation that you are wrong will always come just after an argument reaches critical mass.
Examples: When arguing with a friend outside a pub this phenomenon is caused by the action of the first punch on the frontal lobes. The second the punch lands you will remember. In an argument with a significant other it will come the second the first truely evil and calculated insult leaves one or other of your lips. In both cases backtracking is rendered impossible so this realisation is ultimately useless. It does leave open the possiblity of having inter politican boxing matches as a precursor to any declaration of war as a way to ensure that you're not just being really thick.
6. It is impossible to read an internet post that is longer than a few hundred words.
Examples: I hate you and you smell. I can say this will total impugnity safe in the knowlede that 100 percent of you will have stopped reading this post after the first 2 points. If this were the second page of the thread then I could even post the insult first up as the only people that read second pages are the trolls and nobody cares if they get insulted...
Ok. I'm wearing clothes now. But I'm not gonna pretend to be happy about it.
