A few years ago my old Mum had her leg chopped off. Some years earlier my Dad had both of his off. Seems we have a serious family medical history problem when it comes to amputations. In preparation I’ve started walking around the house on my knees, preparing and toughening potential future stumps.

I was on the tube the other day and a really ugly granny was sat opposite me and she kept scowling at me, I've been here before. She finally built up the courage to catch my eye and asked me if I could turn the volume on my MP3 down a bit. That was really brave given the mental shit I was listening too and my well known intolerance in the mornings. I complied and retorted, could you turn down the ugly. She was not pleased.

Caribbean holiday recently. The pool is large and has a walk in 10 metre section that remains shallow enough to wallow in. The pool is split by a series of bridges, the under side of which could provide a natural habitat for some of these people. Back in the shallows, several other American men are forming a Walrus club and splashing about. One very large juvenile pup appears to be able already to completely balance on his guts and paddle around.

The bulls get increasingly raucous, this is perhaps them calling out to the females. Some of the attentive cows are in good shape and I wonder if it's the security offered by mass stored blubber that's the attraction. "Come wit it now! Bulls on parade!" The pup is swinging from the pool basketball post and his grip slips, he crashes to the floor. He’s whelping uncontrollably but why did he not bounce? Post lunch pinniped activity is delayed as the club is late back from lunch, well you don’t get to be a tooth-walker by snacking.