I know its early on in the year so there cant be that many, but can someone please make me laugh, Christmas is over, New Year celebrations ended before they really began and I was back at work today so please can someone tell me a good joke!?

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase... in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison...
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence...

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed...
"Put the f**king beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his girlfriend's birthday and as they had not been dating for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note.

Thoughtful, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his girlfriends sister, he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items. The sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties.

Without checking the contents, the man sent the parcel to his girlfriend with the following note:

Dear Lucy

I chose these because you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, the shop assistant I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and although they were a little tight, they looked really smart.

She told me that the material helps to keep her ring clean and shiny. In fact she hasn't had to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I could put them on for you, as no doubt, many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away
as they will be naturally damp from wearing. Just think how many times my
lips will kiss them in the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

Happy Birthday
All my love
Harry

PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

OK. This is OLD! But I heard it again this year and it still makes me laugh!

England are playing Brazil in the first round of the World Cup. Ronaldo walks into the Brazilian dressing room before kick off to find all his team mates with their heads in their hands, looking glum.

"Hey, what's up?", says Ronaldo.

"Oh", they reply. "We just can't get up for this match. It's only England and we know we're going to beat them so what's the point?"

"O.k", says Ronaldo. "I'll tell you what. You lot go off down the pub and I'll take them on on my own"

The lads brighten. "Oh cheers mate! See you later then" and off they go.

Later, at the pub, with the lager and crisps flowing, the Brazilian team decide to turn on the telly to see how the match is going. They turn on just in time to see the score flash up: Brazil 1, England 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes).

"Oh goody goody", they say. "Good old Ronaldo's doing alright!"

They turn the telly off again and get back to their drinking and games of cribbage.

At the end of the match they turn the telly back on to get the final score:

Brazil 1, England 1 (Owen 89 minutes)

"Hey!" they say. "Ronaldo held them to draw all on his own. Let's go back and congratulate him!"

They pile back into the dressing room only to find Ronaldo sitting all on his own and sobbing his heart out into his hanky.

"Ronaldo, what's the mateer?", they say.

"I let you down. I let you down", sobs Ronaldo

"No you didn't!" they say. "You held England to a 1/1 draw all on your own, and they didn't score until the last minute!"

"No", says Ronaldo. "I let you down. I got sent off after 12 minutes!"

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.
The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress.

After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor.

He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman.
He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says, "you're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

LOL!!!!!!!

Two flies are playing tennis in a saucer. One of the flies looses the ball in the marmalade and the other fly says 'We'd better improve soon, next week we're playing in the cup.'

quote:

Originally posted by BiScUiTs:
Two flies are playing tennis in a saucer. One of the flies looses the ball in the marmalade and the other fly says 'We'd better improve soon, next week we're playing in the cup.'

which is a joke; you may laugh.

hahahahahaha. v. good buscuits. but why was there marmalade in the saucer?

I don't know haha. My uncle told me that joke years ago, (so I suppose it's not the funniest joke this year then) but I sort of forgot the middle part and added some marmalade for topping. That's why it doesn't quite make sense.

fair enough. i suppose it sort of make sense if you assume toast is present. or just a jar of marmalade. i think we've probably ruined the joke now, though.

I think it makes sense. When we were playing tennis at school, we often miss-hit the ball and it went flying out of the court into people's gardens....so I think it's perfectly acceptable that the ball went flying out of the saucer into some nearby marmalade.

i think it should perhaps be made clear from the start that there is marmalade there, so it doesn't cause confusion later on. that way people dont get distracted wondering about the marmalade and can concentrate on the main part of the joke.

Hahaha! This is a hilarious conversation. Ok here's the joke rewritten:

Two flies are playing tennis in a saucer. An open jar of marmalade stands to the left of fly number one, who, for the purposes of this joke we will call Bob. Fly number two, who, for the purpose of this joke will be named Babs, accidentally hits the ball too hard and it flies to the left of Bob and lands in the open jar of marmalade. Bob says 'We'd better improve soon, next week we're playing in the cup.'

is babs a girl? i think it's quite sexist that it's the girl fly who hits the ball into the marmalade. perhaps you shouldn't bother with names. or just make them both males/females. also, i think the cup needs to be mentioned earlier on, in case people assume the cup is actually placed on the saucer and the flies are already in it.
am i thinking too deep into this?

What's wrong with Babs being a girl and the one who hits it too hard? She's obviously much stronger than Bob which is good.

Hmm. Well I made it Bob and Babs because I thought it might be sexist to only have one sex, but maybe you've got a point. But then again so has Catpee. I suppose it all depends on how you look at it. Maybe I should add at the beginning of the joke 'Warning, this joke is subject to personal viewpoints' or something. If that makes sense. And mention the cup as well. Maybe describe the whole table, and the house, and maybe what sort of area the house is situated in.

that is very true, cat. but either way someone's going to claim it's sexist. perhaps you should make it more politically correct, buscuits. and i defintely think a general background first would be useful.

What if you make them both Orcs?

that is an interesting angle to approach it from. i think it would also modernise the joke a bit and make it easier to relate to.

Would 2 orcs fit into a teacup?

Oh dear, in a minute you'll be telling me to fit the whole joke into an actual real-sized tennis court, removing all the funnyness. Political correctness gone mad. This must be what it's like to write a prime-time sitcom for BBC1.

Really? You think they all start out as good ideas?

Biscuits, I think your joke has now ceased to be a joke and is becoming a "witty and engaging comedy drama".

Haha, who knows. Maybe they do. Maybe they just get picked for their blandness. Oh look at me being all critical! Well I suppose it must be pretty hard to come up with something decent, so at least they tried I suppose. But still, I wonder whether it's just the BBC. They must be wearing the wrong coloured socks or something.