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Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to
herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk , she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at thetable. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
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Sorry, I meant 'funny'... though I stand by my criticisms of American language.
'Ave it!
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did you think that maybe i am american? whats wrong with slight american language may i ask?
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and may i add that ive just noticed that you used the german language in another thread, so stop commenting on how people talk!!!!!
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ladies, ladies. lets stop with the bitchiness n get along
--------------------------------------------
Quagmire-Hey who wants to play drink the beer!?
Peter-Right Here
Quagmire-You Win!
Peter-Oh man what do i win!
Quagmire- Another beer!
Peter-Oh i'm going for the high score!
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That was a very funny story! Have you seen this one before? When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C. The Russians used a pencil. Hope I don't offend any Americans 
~ ♥ ~
If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet, I would put shoes on my cat.
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Three men were at the gates of heaven and God
appeared to them and said "I'm going to give
you all a gift depending upon how faithful you were to your spouses while you were still alive".
Then God asked the first man "How faithful were
you to your wife?"
The First man answered: "Very faithful. I never
cheated on her".
So God gave that man a Rolls Royce.
Then God asked the second man: "How faithful were you to your wife?"
The second man answered: "I only cheated on her
twice?"
So God gave that man a Robin Reliant.
Then God asked the third man: "How faithful
were you to your wife?".
The third man answered: "I cheated on my wife
lots of times although I'm very sorry about it"
So God gave that man a Moped and then God
disappeared.
An hour later God reappeared to discover the third man crying next to his moped.
"What's wrong" asked God,"Don't you like your
moped?".
"It's not that",said the man, "I just saw
my wife go by on rollerskates".
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There was a Bus full of ugly people somewhere in London. Unfortunatly it crashed and everyone died. At the gates of heaven, the angels were willing to grant each dead ugly person one single wish. The first person said 'I wish i was beautiful!', and the guard said 'Ok, done.' However, a man at the back of the queue giggled-his laugh's were ignored. The next person to the gate also said 'I wish i was beautiful.' And again, the guard said 'Ok, done.' The man laughed louder this tme, but still his laughs were ignored. More and more poeple wished the same- to be beautiful. Finally it was the man at the back of the queue's turn. The guard said, 'What do u wish?', and the man said 'I wish everyone was ugly again.'  |
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac over one shoulder, take a seat and places the tarmac on the stool next to him. The barman asks him what he'd like to drink. "I'll have a pint, and one for the road" ba dum dum tshh!
-~-~-~-~-~-~-
I squoze so hard, I stopped your h♥art from beating
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A horse walks into a bar. Barman says... "Why the long face?" ba dum dum tshh!
-~-~-~-~-~-~-
I squoze so hard, I stopped your h♥art from beating
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What's brown and a sticky???
-~-~-~-~-~-~-
I squoze so hard, I stopped your h♥art from beating
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anyone?
-~-~-~-~-~-~-
I squoze so hard, I stopped your h♥art from beating
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A STICK!!! geddit? Brown. Sticky. A damn *stick*! It's funny. 
-~-~-~-~-~-~-
I squoze so hard, I stopped your h♥art from beating
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How many kids with attention defecit does it take to change a lightbulb? LET'S GO PLAY ON BIKES!!!
------------------------------------------------------------
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American linguistic features are the McNugget to the English language's living chicken.
At least Germany has its own tongue... a veritable German sausage.
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quote: Originally posted by foxlost:
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to
herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk , she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at thetable. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
lmao thats so funny hehe |
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quote: Originally posted by JamMagnets: A STICK!!! geddit? Brown. Sticky. A damn *stick*! It's funny.
lol ive ehard that 1 before but its always rele funny hehe |
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heres a joke: A sandwich walked into a bar and said "i'll have a pint of beer please" barman said "sorry we dont serve food" LOL isnt that funny i thought so |
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Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman sat in a pub chatting. Englishman - I'm gutted, went into my daughter's bedroom and found a packet of fags....didn't know she smoked. Scotsman - that's nothing, went into my daughter's bedroom and found a bottle of vodka.....didn't know she drunk. Irishman - mine tops it all....went into my daughter's bedroom and found a packet of condoms....didn't know she had a willy. Boom Boom - I love that joke !!!!
Take time to live! Life is too short....Dance Naked!
♪♥♪♥♪ Loves natfink ♪♥♪♥♪
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lol thats funny  |
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New Member
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Three men were walking in the jungle when they stumbled into the camp of a cannibal tribe. They were instantly captured and locked. The men begged and pleased for their lives, until finally the chief said "I will give each of you a test of courage and skill. If you can prove that you are a true man, then your lives will be spared". The guards released the men and the chief said, "For the first part of your task, you must go into the forest and collect 10 pieces of fruit". So off the men went, and an hour later the first man came back, proudly clutching 10 apples. "Now", said the chief "if you can push all of these apples up your rear end without making a sound, you will prove that you are a true man, and you will be set free". The man tried, and managed the first apple without any trouble, but on the second he screamed in pain. The guards locked him away. The second man appeared a few minutes later, clutching a handful of cherries. The chief gave the man his instructions and the man proceded to insert the cherries with ease. Upon inserting the 9th, however, the man burst out laughing and he too was locked away. The first man, said to him "You were so close! Why did you start laughing!?" "I couldn't help it", the second man laughed, "I saw the third guy coming with an armful of pineapples!"
Don't stop the music!
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New Member
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there were two sisters, one named anne and one named susan. both sisters were midgets, and as a result had been plagued with a lack of confidence and were thus lonely and single. one day anne said to susan, "i'm fed up of sitting in on a saturday night, lets go out and find some men!" susan agreed, and they hit a nightclub the following night. they bumped into two friends, male and attractive during the evening, and when it was closing time they asked them back to their flat. both sisters were obliging and they went off to separate rooms, each with one of the flatmates. sadly for susan, her man had had too much to drink and fell asleep instantly. she lay in bed listening to the loud grunts and groans of her sister through the wall in the next room.
the next morning as they travelled home together anne asked susan how her evening was. "awful" replied susan, "he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. i dont have to ask u how ur nite went do i anne?"
"oh god, awful as well" said anne. "i couldnt even get onto the bed"
haha, hope u appreciated this as much as i did wen i heard it!
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