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Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A. Fish.
There's the elephant. He's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino. Look in the alligator's mouth. It's not there either. Ohhhh... the monkey's got it in the tree! He brings it back. They all drink lemonade. The end.
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New Member
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Hear the one about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse  |
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Why did the cat fall out of the tree?  It was dead. I know it's cruel, but it's my best joke.
..........z
(\ /)...z
( . .)z Queen Soraya is chilling out
c(")(")
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Hey that's not cruel:  Why is Grants of St James wine like a homeless man masturbating? They both come in a cardboard box. See, that's cruel but original and (hopefully) funny. 
"It's better to have loved and lost than to have married a writer - ask my wife."
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Two men went on safari, they were passing some tigers and the jeep broke down, one of the men started rumaging through his bag and found his trainers, he then started to put them on, the other man said "What you doing you'll never out run the tigers" the other man replied "I no but i'll out run you".
Chelsea FC pride of London
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quote: Originally posted by Cleo the Fairy:
Three men were walking in the jungle when they stumbled into the camp of a cannibal tribe. They were instantly captured and locked. The men begged and pleased for their lives, until finally the chief said "I will give each of you a test of courage and skill. If you can prove that you are a true man, then your lives will be spared". The guards released the men and the chief said, "For the first part of your task, you must go into the forest and collect 10 pieces of fruit". So off the men went, and an hour later the first man came back, proudly clutching 10 apples. "Now", said the chief "if you can push all of these apples up your rear end without making a sound, you will prove that you are a true man, and you will be set free". The man tried, and managed the first apple without any trouble, but on the second he screamed in pain. The guards locked him away. The second man appeared a few minutes later, clutching a handful of cherries. The chief gave the man his instructions and the man proceded to insert the cherries with ease. Upon inserting the 9th, however, the man burst out laughing and he too was locked away. The first man, said to him "You were so close! Why did you start laughing!?" "I couldn't help it", the second man laughed, "I saw the third guy coming with an armful of pineapples!"
Heard that one b4, good joke!!!
Chelsea FC pride of London
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what about the dyslexic atheist didn't belive in DOG !!
Take time to live! Life is too short....Dance Naked!
♪♥♪♥♪ Loves natfink ♪♥♪♥♪
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There was an Englishman, an Irishman and Scotsman who were all applying 4 a job. The scotsman goes in 2 the job centre and asks "have you a job 4 me??" The man replies "go outside and make the loudest sound you can" so the scotsman goes outside and shouts "ahh" he then goes back inside the man then say's "how many letters in the alphabet??" The scotsman replies "26" "good your hired!" The irishman goes in 2 the job centre and asks "have you a job 4 me??" The man replied "go outside and make the loudest sound you can" so the irishman goes outside and shouts "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" he then goes back inside the man then say's "how many letters in the alphabet??" The irishman replies "26" "good your hired!" The englishman goes in 2 the job centre and asks "have you a job 4 me??" The man replies "go outside and make the loudest sound you can" so the englishman goes outside, 10 minutes later "BOMB, BOMB" he then goes back inside the man then say's "how many letters in the alphabet??" The englishman replies "23" "whys that???" "cos i just blew up KFC!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Chelsea FC pride of London
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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the
latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with
the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank
fully recovered.
Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down that grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear
looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you ??"
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quote: Originally posted by BillyBragg:
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the
latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with
the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank
fully recovered.
Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down that grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear
looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you ??"
Good one
Chelsea FC pride of London
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How many female students does it take to change a light bulb? Three: one to check the rota, one to whine that it shouldn't be her turn even though the rota says it is 'cos she washed up last week when it wasn't even her turn and she's just done her nails and she's "on her period" and one to phone her dad and get him to do it.
"It's better to have loved and lost than to have married a writer - ask my wife."
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how many boring people does it take to change a light bulb?
one.
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How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? two, four ... two, four
"It's better to have loved and lost than to have married a writer - ask my wife."
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1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own trousers. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 7. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 8. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 9. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Sh*thead's. 10. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 11. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect. 12. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 13. How come we choose from just two people to run for President but between 50 for Miss America? 14. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 15. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 16. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 17. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" 18. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "hey, that was fun!"
~ ♥ ~
If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet, I would put shoes on my cat.
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New phone number for weight watcher's
80 80 80
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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back into his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:"I think my friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm and soothing voice says:"Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There was a silence. Then a shot rang out. The guy's voice comes back on the line. "Okay. Now what?"
sic transit e gloria mundi
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New Member
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Here about the guy who went to the doctors with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch? Said it was driving him nuts........ Oh well wednesday best I can do  |
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A squid goes to a sea food party, and pulls a muscle
Smile. England is great
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A man was walking in the woods pondering the mysteries of life frustrated he decided to ask God "God are you there?" "Yes my son." "Can i ask you a question" "Sure my son, ask away" "God what is a million dollars worth to you?" "A million dollars is like only a penny my son" At this the man raised his eyebrows in amazement then decided to ask "Okay then, what is a million years to you lord." God laughed and said "Son a million years to me is like only a second." Amazed the man thought for a while. After building up his confidence he asked. "God can i have a penny?" God replied. "Sure my son give me a second."
The odds may be one against ten......my stratergy, ten against one.
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Woman gets a call to say her grandfather has died, Rushes round to see her gran. Asks, gran how did it happen Gran answers, we were having sex and he had a heart attack, woman say's gran, sex at your age, thats terrible, granda was 95 and your 93 Gran say's, but we only did it on a sunday to the rhythim of the church bell's, in on the ding and out on the dong,and it was ok, till the ice cream van came up the street.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.
If you enjoy something once,. Do it again. .
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the papers said michael jackson played with kids ,so when he dies y not make him into a toy so kids can play with him.
lils got the kettle on
we,ll all have tea
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Scientists have managed to develop a new type of camera lense that is soooo fast and acurate, thats its managed to snap a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.
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A Really Bad Day There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." [URL="http://www.ivyresearch.com/essaychecker"] Don't get kicked out of school! Click here to Check your papers for plagiarism[/URL] |
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White House
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes
by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the
President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this
display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in
hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a
brazillion?"
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