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Two Gold Stars
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quote:
Originally posted by agent frank ernest:
White House

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes
by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the
President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this
display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in
hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a
brazillion?"

Quality.
 
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i have a joke the my da told me !
Razz
this guy went to a bull fight and after the fight was over he went to a cafe ect.. and as he was getting redy to order he saw another guy get this plate with a good looking meal on it so he asks the waiter what it was and he said Bulls balls
and so the guy said i will have that but the waiter said sorry you have to wait the next bull fight so he waits and gose back and says i would like to have an order of bulls balls and the waiter say ok! and when he gets the plate he has this tiney bite size peaca somtin on his dish and says i asked for bulls balls WHAT IS THIS and the waiter says ' the bull does not always loose'.
tehe well i hope you thought that was funny! Roll Eyes
 
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hah brazilians joke is so funny
*falling outa chair* * hitting head on floor**every thing turning red*
Red Face
 
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One Gold Star
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A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty

miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks

across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for

twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly

increases her speed to 45 mph.The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me

out of it,"he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best

friend,and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more

tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60 mph

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he

says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the

boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you

want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No,

I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to

him and smiles. "The airbag."
 
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One Gold Star
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What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
 
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Four Silver Stars
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ok this is an old 1 but

a man walked into a bar
ouch
 
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Two Silver Stars
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A 3 piece suite becomes poorly and has to go to hospital. Obviously the owner is very concerned so rings up the doctor to see if they are ok. "How are they doing?" he asks. The doctor replies "Well... they're comfortable."


No - it was just the dirt on it.
 
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One Gold Star
Picture of lady lil
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wots the only thing a man can keep up 4 days?

the toilet seat.



wots the best thing a man does in bed?

break wind.

i could go on 4 hours


lils got the kettle on
we,ll all have tea
 
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One Gold Star
Picture of Sideshow meg
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quote:
Originally posted by well-wisher:
Three men were at the gates of heaven and God
appeared to them and said "I'm going to give
you all a gift depending upon how faithful you were to your spouses while you were still alive".

Then God asked the first man "How faithful were
you to your wife?"

The First man answered: "Very faithful. I never
cheated on her".

So God gave that man a Rolls Royce.

Then God asked the second man: "How faithful were you to your wife?"

The second man answered: "I only cheated on her
twice?"

So God gave that man a Robin Reliant.

Then God asked the third man: "How faithful
were you to your wife?".

The third man answered: "I cheated on my wife
lots of times although I'm very sorry about it"

So God gave that man a Moped and then God
disappeared.

An hour later God reappeared to discover the third man crying next to his moped.

"What's wrong" asked God,"Don't you like your
moped?".

"It's not that",said the man, "I just saw
my wife go by on rollerskates".


Brilliant!


You're wearing tights. I can't take lectures on physics from a man in tights. Dancing yes. Physics no!
 
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a joke you all must have heard

why did the chicken not cross the street?

because kfc was on the other side Eek
if i was a chicken i would stay clear othe the street as well
 
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this suck
i stay up till 4 in the morning and it is four in the morning and iam not sleepy and then at 9:00 i am dead tired . i am like a opossum *shivers dont wana be an opossum *
 
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another joke that sucks

a guy was in the hospital and he has been in their 2 days and then the docter comes in and say i am sorry but i have bad news the guy sits up the doctor say you are going to die in 9 the guy says nine what nine days nine weeks nine months nine what the doctors says: 8


haha well i hope you get it
 
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Four Silver Stars
Picture of Chorlton
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Can you imagine C-3PO trying to get into a Mini or a tent, when he is pissed and a bit stoned? go on imagine it, I can. Please!
 
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Four Silver Stars
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Utterly tasteless
Q:Why did Micheal Jackson call Boyz2men?
A:Cos he thought it was a delivery service.

Terrible i know.
 
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Three Gold Stars
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quote:
Originally posted by lady lil:
wots the only thing a man can keep up 4 days?

the toilet seat.



wots the best thing a man does in bed?

break wind.

i could go on 4 hours
 
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Three Gold Stars
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go to sleep.
 
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Four Silver Stars
Picture of Chorlton
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A man in hospital wearing an oxygen mask asks a nurse, "Are my testicles black?". The nurse replies "I'm only here to take your blood pressure". The man struggles to speak through his mask and repeats, "are my testicles black?!" The nurse, very embarrassed, takes his willy in one hand and examines his bits with the other. She tells him it's all ok. The poor man now breathless and sporting a huge (Ahem), removes his oxygen mask and says "ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?!!!"
 
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One Silver Star
Picture of tabloid_junkie
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I went to the doctors yesterday, had a tummy bug, so i asked the doctor what was wrong with me. He said id got something called 'carousel'. I sez "What's carousel?" He said "I dunno but its goin round!"

i'm here all week! Roll Eyes


ღღ Nina ღღ
Jesus is a honkey!
Very Chansaux de Classé!

You never know where to look when eating a banana! Wink
 
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Two Silver Stars
Picture of Rouge_fairy
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I have a few good ones:

Did you hear that the lead singer from Simply Red was arrested for having sex with a rabbit? Apparently he was holding back the ears and the bunny was too tight to mention..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man decides to buy a vibrator for his wife so he goes into a sex shop to purchase one. He tells the sales girl what he wants and she says "Why don't you get her a magic vibrator?" she asks "How is it magic?" he says. The woman grabs a box from a shelf and opens the box and inside is a normal looking vibrator, "magic vibrator door" the woman says. All of sudden, the vibrator flies out of the box towards the door and starts to shake it off its hinges. Then the woman shouts "magic vibrator box",the vibrator flies back into the box. The man takes it and brings it home to show his wife. He tells his wife to lie down on the bed and he says "Magic vibrator crotch", it goes into his wife and she seems to be enjoying herself. The husband leaves her to it and goes off. His wife then tries to turn if off but doesn't know how. So, she drives to the hospital with the vibrator still shaking inside her. When shes on the road she is driving all over the place. Soon enuf a policeman pulls her over, she tells him the story about the vibrator, the policeman doesn't believe her and says "magic vibrator my arse.."


<3**Be it, Don't Dream it**<3
 
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Two Silver Stars
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This isn't a joke exactly but the authors have got a sense of humour. Check out http://www.savetherennets.com enjoy
 
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Three Gold Stars
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omg thats horrible the poor hamsters! Frown no offence but i dont find stuf like that funny- is cheese rele made out of hamster aaw?
 
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Three Silver Stars
Picture of pinkfloyd999
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So one day Hitler is walking along with 10 of his best men. ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's one of his men missing. He thinks it a bit strange but continues nontheless.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's one of his men missing. He thinks it a bit strange but continues nontheless. Now he only has 8 men left. Rather odd he muses and continies. So along they march.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's that a 3rd man has been taken. So now he is marching along with only 7 men. BUt he goes on nontheless as they are all good men.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's a forth man has been abdicted by this little green flash. Propostorous he mutters ( in german ) and continues marching with only 6 men.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he sees another one of his men missing. Right this is getting silly now he think.
So on he marches with but 5 men left in his patrol.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's one of his men missing again. FOur men! Four men!! I cant win a war with four men even if they are all fantastic.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddenly out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard again and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's one of his men missing. My god . Who is behind this. I'll get tht little green thing. so seven men down and he's still fighting the brave little guy.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's one of his men missing again. Right ths it. Marching with 2 men he picks up the speed hoping to escape this thing.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's one of his men missing again. Bloody hell he thinks. I got one man left and he is the best one i got, if he goes im srewed hes thinking.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past him and his best man but he turns around and yes to his horror his very last man has been abducted by some green thing. Really peeing himself now he continues bravely through the woods and then a little green man pops up in front of him.
'you! you're the little sh*t thats been stealing my men! am i right?'
'no.' the little green man replies, and walks off back to his house.


'' We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control''
 
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Three Silver Stars
Picture of pinkfloyd999
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What is pink and fluffy?

Pink Fluff-duh!

What is BLue and Fluffy?



I know what your thinking...



Pink Fluff holding its breath.

God in on fire tonite lol


'' We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control''
 
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Three Gold Stars
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quote:
Originally posted by pinkfloyd999:
So one day Hitler is walking along with 10 of his best men. ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's one of his men missing. He thinks it a bit strange but continues nontheless.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's one of his men missing. He thinks it a bit strange but continues nontheless. Now he only has 8 men left. Rather odd he muses and continies. So along they march.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's that a 3rd man has been taken. So now he is marching along with only 7 men. BUt he goes on nontheless as they are all good men.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's a forth man has been abdicted by this little green flash. Propostorous he mutters ( in german ) and continues marching with only 6 men.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he sees another one of his men missing. Right this is getting silly now he think.
So on he marches with but 5 men left in his patrol.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's one of his men missing again. FOur men! Four men!! I cant win a war with four men even if they are all fantastic.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddenly out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard again and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's one of his men missing. My god . Who is behind this. I'll get tht little green thing. so seven men down and he's still fighting the brave little guy.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills they march. Then suddently out of nowhere a little green flash whips past them all catching everyone off guard and then Hitler turns aroundand he see's one of his men missing again. Right ths it. Marching with 2 men he picks up the speed hoping to escape this thing.
ALong they march, all along the fields and along the hills