^lmao!!

http://www.savetherennets.com has got even better. You can now buy a rennet. God bless those rennets.

The rennet blog is good too http://www.savetherennets.com/rennetrants

And here is a bit on the awful practice of seagull baiting http://www.savetherennets.com/seagulbaiting.php

A man went into his local butchers shop and he noticed something odd.

'wheres your assistant today?' he asked the owner

' i had to sack him, he was sticking his dick in the bacon slicer'

' my god thats terrible. what happened to the bacon slicer'

'i sacked her and all'

cheers to peter kay for that lol

Labor Day
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
he he he

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison...
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence... Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed...
"Put the f**king beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. It was dark, cold, and wet in the car park as I loaded my car up with the gifts I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing the receipt which I would need to get out of the car park, so mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold evenings chill. Oddly enough, he was holding two fifty pound notes in his hand. Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong and he told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was seven years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs to make ends met. Nevertheless, she had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and sisters and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed two of his fifty pound notes and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" The boy stared at the ground and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I enquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and f**ked off.

Here's one for you....

Q. What do you call a dinosour that eats porquepines?

A. A mega-sore-arse.

Sorry if it's a bit below the belt, but that's comedy.

quote:

Originally posted by Wizard 1:
Here's one for you....

Q. What do you call a dinosour that eats porquepines?

A. A mega-sore-arse.

Sorry if it's a bit below the belt, but that's comedy.

What do you call a dinosaur with no eye's?

Doyathinkeesaurus

How do you kill a circus??



Go for the juggler

quote:

Originally posted by gooseyloosey:
How do you kill a circus??

Go for the juggler

I like that.

hey raymond what do u call a dinosaurs' (with no eyes) dog



Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex

why ty jack lol not mine but i love it

What do astronauts eat for lunch?

Unidentified frying objects.


Can I present the national lottery draw now?

Great and mysterious rules of life.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40; if it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her, believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles: Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now?" How about one month? One week? One day?"
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. Be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
14. Don't be an idiot.
15. Never trust women who can't put their lipstick on straight. They are invariably crazy.
16. Know your way home.
17. Don't talk to yourself.
18. Closets make good sleeping - if you like being sore the next day.
19. If you like the music, dance.
20. You'll feel better if you throw up.
21. No matter how certain you might be of any given situation, there is invariably another creature who will teach you the meaning of certainty.
22. Never try to take apart a computer with a monkey wrench.
23. Learn to say "Where is the nude beach?" in at least three languages.
24. Do not use your work laptop while eating Coco Wheats.
25. Children do not want clothes for birthday gifts.
26. Running into your wife's gynecologist at Target is awkward. Somewhat surprisingly, you won't have much to talk about.
27. He who makes a beast of himself takes away the pain of being a man.
28. If you talk to yourself (see 17), don't answer in a different voicel; it tends to spook those around you.
29. Don't hit your own head.
30. Even though it doesn't appear it to us, everyone considers themself an above average driver.
31. don£t trtry to type stufff whebn yu are reallly"yy drunk....
32 No matter how socially inept you think you are, you're still a lot more fun to be around than Carrot Top.
33. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
34. One day you can get screwed out of what is rightfully yours, the next day you may become world
reknowned and respected just for being yourself (See Ozzy Osbourne).
35. Carrot sticks and bleu cheese vegetable dip lead to multiple instances of explosive diarrhea.
36. He who hesitates is lost.
37. Schizophrenia means never having to be alone.
38. Everybody needs a good ass kicking now and again.
39. Early bird gets teh worm.
40. Forks fairly fly when you serve corn-saugage pie.
41. Avoid all so-called "vegetarian" options at fast-food burger joints, lest thou be hunched over
for a good portion of the night muttering incoherently about "food poisoning" as your intestines
try to leap up and strangle your stomach, causing the worst cramping possible this side of labor pains.
42. Fart jokes never stop being funny.
43. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
44. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
45. Have your own sense of style.
46. As with all things, this too shall pass.
47. It's not so bad because it could always be worse.
48. "Accept."
49. Pet a dog.
50. It's a small world after all.
51. Midgets are people too.
52. No great music was ever made on a Flying V guitar.
53. Everything that can possibly happen, will happen.
54. A tongue stud is no excuse not to learn to do it right.
55. Cry once in a while, it's cathartic. If you need to hide from others to do so, then do, but still cry.
56. Follow it up with a beer/phone call with a friend who laughs a lot.
57. Eat cheese, it is marvelous tasting and, purportedly, scrubs your teeth.
58. When you see a little kid in the store, make a fart noise with your mouth. They laugh every time.
59. Splurge on toilet paper.
60. Lay in the grass and watch the bugs crawl around.
60a. (Optional) Squash them.
61. Positive to positive, negative to negative, ground to ground.
62. Beggers CAN be choosers.
63. Monkeys cheat at monopoly.
64. Chances are, you won't refill your popcorn.
65. If someone tells you, "You're dreaming, pal!" kick them in the shin. It's okay, because after all, it's a dream.
66. Never rub another man's rhubarb!
67. Don't buy live lobsters from Walmart.
68. There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are more than two ways to serve it.
69. There are 68 things before 69, but of course none of them will be remembered.
70. You will not get rich quick with Amway.
71. First one up gets the paper. And makes the coffee.
72. Cheesy fantasy movies have at least one Queen track in them.
73. Always check to see if there is anyone else in a public bathroom when you enter.
74. If someone else enters, cough to let them know you are there. If not, you may have to listen to something you didn't intend.
74a. The Sacred Buffer Corollary: When in a public bathroom, never take the urinal/stall directly
adjacent to another user/jockey. When you are the first settler, never take the middle facility.
Respect the Sacred Buffer.
75. Know someone who gives good foot massages.
76. Lyle Lovett is better heard than seen.
77. Even when you know there is nobody there, dark, long hallways are creepy.
78. Never trust a person who has a lugubrious countenance.
79. Never trust a person who has a smirking countenance.
80. Never tie a yellow ribbon round the old guy at the bus stop.
81. Never make a web page that needs binoculars to be read. (is that better??!??
82. You can never teach an old dog new tricks, unless you have a peanut butter filled Kong.
83. A jar full of candy on the desk is a great way to start a new job.

What do you call an Alien without any eyes?

Alen.

Heard that before?

~~~The wind's whistling
my mind's twisting
I was making myself the usual cup of tea
when the doorbell strangely rang..~~~