My vicar told a good one this morning.... A vicar went to visit a dying man and bent over the bedside and told the wife, he's stopped breathing, I think he has now passed on. Upon hearing that the dying man said 'I'm not dead yet, I'm still breathing" His wife said "shut up you" the Vicar knows best.

Well, it was funny at the time .... any more jokes folks?

When Hector's cat died he asked the minister if he could bury it in the church cemetery. "Certainly not" said the minister. Hector then asked the Anglican minister and got the same answer. The next day Hector met his own minister who asked if he was still trying to bury his cat. Hector told him that in desperation he had even offered the Jewish Rabbi fifty pounds to bury him but he had refused too. The minister's face immediately lit up. "Why didn't you tell me it was a Church of Scotland cat?"

Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.

Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."


Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

great! thanks!

Here's one from our service yesterday morning...

Did you hear about the church that was overrun with squirrels? They tried everything to get rid of them until they realised the only way to do it was to baptise them all - then you'd only see them in church at Christmas and Easter!