I have in my hands two boxes Which God gave me to hold. He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black, And all your joys in the gold."
I heeded his words, and in the two boxes Both my joys and sorrows I store. But though the gold became heavier each day The black was as light as before.
With curiosity, I opened the black. I wanted to find out why. And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole Which my sorrows had fallen out by.
I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud, "I wonder where my sorrows could be." He smiled a gentle smile at me. "My child, they're all here with me."
I asked, "God, why give me the boxes," "Why the gold, and the black with the hole?" "My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings, The black is for you to let go."
I have in my hands two boxes Which God gave me to hold. He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black, And all your joys in the gold."
I heeded his words, and in the two boxes Both my joys and sorrows I store. But though the gold became heavier each day The black was as light as before.
With curiosity, I opened the black. I wanted to find out why. And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole Which my sorrows had fallen out by.
I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud, "I wonder where my sorrows could be." He smiled a gentle smile at me. "My child, they're all here with me."
I asked, "God, why give me the boxes," "Why the gold, and the black with the hole?" "My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings, The black is for you to let go."
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? You'll need that when you're in high school. You'll have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."
The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?"
The father replies, "Well, you'll need the 6 pack when you're in college. You'll have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
"Well then," replies the son, "what the heck would anyone ever do with a 12 pack?"
The father answers, "That's for married folks, son. You'll need 1 for January, 1 for February..."
There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. "Not you again," I said.
"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."
Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"No," I said.
"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."
"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."
"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."
The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.
"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"
"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."
"People without computers?"
"Got 'em."
"Amazonian Indians?"
"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
"The Amish." "Check."
"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"
"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."
"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"
"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."
"No."
"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.
"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."
"It did." "Pardon?" "World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."
"So what happened?"
"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
"Go away," I said.
"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
"You have got to be kidding," I said.
"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitch forked if we ever step into Western Pennsylvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing to the company. It's embarrassing to the product. It's embarrassing to BILL."
"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash."
"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident."
"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"
"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."
"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.
"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"
The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me. "'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?" "There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.
I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.
hi spikey sorry is it not allowed to post stuff from the web or are they to long ? just wanted to start a thread off about boxy things . to make me out to have something to do with zeb is totally wrong and i feel unfair i think that was an unresonoble remark and makes me feel that you think i am a troll which is totaly rubbish the posts i make mostly have something to do with dond and i enjoy comming up with posts about the show
I wish you hadn't mentioned Zebedee, I had just about got him out of my system, now I am missing him again!
-------------------- Everything is connected to everything else and everything changes. The only constant is that nothing stays the same, and therefore nothing is real.
