Who would you thank if you were receiving an oscar and would you be blubbering like
Gwyneth Paltrow or Halle Berry.

Unfortunately mate, I have actually thought about this in the past! And in depth!

I would act like I didn't hear my name first of all, and stay in my seat for ages, looking around like I was confused and in a daze.
Then when my slightly too attractive date convinced me they called my name out, I would look horrified, raising hands to my head, still looking around confused.

Then as my co-stars encouraged me to get up, I would gingerly approach the stage, hug the person giving me the award (probably Nicole Kidman) then approach the mic, waiting for the cheers and standing ovation to subside.

"Wow, this is a little unexpected! I mean, obviously the actual honour is being nominated. In reality, not meaning to sound ungrateful at all, this Oscar doesn't mean a great deal. I mean, how can you say my portrayal of an alcoholic fighter pilot was better than Sean Penn's performance of a mute bartender, or Morgan Freeman in Police Academy 10, or the other two nominees - Michael Caine and Vinny Jones. It's like deciding what's better, the music a musician plays or how well a juggler juggles. It can't be done. So I would like to accept this on behalf of all five Best Actor nominees. And believe me, we wholeheartedly accept this little man!"

*at this point I would twiddle the Oscar between my fingers like a bandleader twiddles a stick*

"Thank you America, from the bottom of my heart, and good night!"

*I would then do a Michael Jackson type spin, and moonwalk off the stage*

I have a devil on my shoulder telling me to make some cheap crack about a "Lifetime Acheivement Award" but I won't listen to it. Just give it time Sir Juke,you already have
the Knighthood, I'm sure that theres an Oscar waiting with your name on it.

This is how my Oscar acceptance speech would go:

First I would go through the names of all the people,the casting directors etc that I had to sleep with to get where I was then thank my drug dealer and my lawyers for helping me to escape a lengthy jail sentence for drug use,then thank the teachings of Elron Hubbard and my Psychiatrist for helping me to come to terms with years of childhood neglect and then I would reveal that my body was strapped with dynamite and scream at the top of my lungs "Burn.Hollywood,burn!"

And then after security had stun-gunned,hog-tied and carried me off Billy Crystal would come on,make one of his fatally witty remarks and everyone would just fall about laughing.

Screw you wiseguy! I WILL get the Best Actor!

I prefer your speech, it has a certain 'je ne sais quoi'
And dynamite!

well i am obviously lacking in some part of sense of humor compared to the other two who have made speeches... so i will be boring and be serious... i tihk that if i were giving andoscar speech i would use to it to raise awareness somehow... like i would join a charaty i felt strongly about an try and make people aware of this fact.... a better use of time i tihnk than thanking everyone and my dentist, doN't you think?

i would walk up to the stage excitedly and in awe i would then compose myself and then say


"about f@cking time"

"about f@cking time"[/QUOTE]


lol mine would be

" i was going to say stick it up your chaffer if i didnt win...but i did win so there....(blows raspberry and sticks arse out"

I wouldn't talk during my speech, I'd mime it, just to prove how good an actor I trully am -pretending to walk down stairs, pulling a rope, being trapped in a glass box, - I'd incorporate it all into my speech. And I'd end it, by pretending the Oscar weighed a ton, while I dragged it off stage.

I think everyone would remember my 'speech'

I'd probably laugh my head of in shock, then compose myself, look humble, dreading the steps to the podium in case I trip. Take the Oscar use a bit of humour and say something profound and moving get my standing ovation

OR
If it's a lifetime achievement be greeted unexpectedly by the Grand Bobby D with my oscat

Ahem, is that too OTT?

"that needed a long time to get an oskar. i waited for that two years now and come on, i deserve it!"

"Hello... I'd like to dedicate this Oscar to one man. This particular individual is the inspiration and reason why I'm here. I first saw him in a film called Taxi Driver when I was 16 and I was absolutely blown away. He is the greatest actor of all time and my idol... I dedicate this to Robert De Niro.

"On every street in every city, there's a nobody who dreams of being a somebody..."

Oh my Gawd, Id like to thank Jebus my lord for making this possible, and id like to thank my goats and llamas, they are always there for me and tha ninja squad, they always have my back

i would go up to the stage shaking whilst wiping a tear from my eye then i would clasp the oscar kiss it for all to see and utter.....

Firstly and foremost i would like to thank myself afterall i learned the script i turned up on time i had the great genes that gave me the ability to do this and i was the one that dragged myself out of my bed of a morning, it wasnt the make-up,nor the costume, nor the script or the directors which made acheive this it was me all me therefore.....i thank you taffeta la rue nobody does it better.

"Ta"

"thankyou MTV,this is huge, this means so much to me!rock on!!!..."