The Crazy Frog ringtones would be a declaration of war wouldn't they? The aliens might think we all sounded like that and we needed to be exterminated. I'm going to pick Starman as it's a great sing-a-long song and it'll make the aliens happy and smiley - at least before they nuke us or turn us into food!

Would you rather be turned into:

E-number filled sausages
or
Organic, wholemeal pies
or
Fertilizer?

I'll have to pick option "C" because I've always been very fertile and the thought of a Charlie Dimmock like lady gardner running her fingers through me is also quite appealing.

Although; if we're talking of turning people into 's,Doctor Lecter, I'd rather have a jamjam sandwich.

If you were going to be cooked who would you rather be cooked by:

Delia Smith
or
Jamie Oliver
or
Gordon Ramsay?

Although I quite like Jamie Oliver, his geezer talk gets on my nerves a bit so I won't pick him. Gordon Ramsay is also okay but he swears too much (which of course I never do ) and that too would get on my nerves. So I'll pick a sedate simmering from Delia Smith.

How do you like your food:

Corden bleu
or
Nouvelle cuisine
or
Wholefood
or
As much as you can eat buffet

*Please excuse the spelling as, as you know, I'm a sloth and can't be bothered to look it all up ............ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I happen to be a fluent speaker of both Frencheese and Belgionian and I think you'll find that it's pronounced Cordon Blue; which, literally transalatedted, means Blue Cordon
which in turn derives from the famous ancient
leader of the Normen, Blue Gordon or Gordon The Blue due to his regular habit of wearing only blue; ofcourse the Frenchybelgiums pronounce the letter G like our C and thus Gordon Blue became Cordon Blue.

Similarly New Vel Quizine as it is proppally spelled; is merely the type of Quizine that replaced Old Vel Quizine during the bloody Frankybelgo Quizine uprising of 1444.

An as much as you can eat buffet sounds nice
although I'm not sure how much buffet,or buffy as it is properly pronounced, I can eat and I've heard that buffy,if undercooked, can be poisonous.

And so I shall pick Wholefood. Whole meat! Whole vegetables! Who wants to eat half a carrot or even half a pea? I want the wholefood, I want all of it and I want to eat it whole!

Which in your opinion is the most reliable and effective means of losing weight?

Diet
or
Excercise
or
Will Power (chanting "I shall not eat")
or
Having your jaws wired together
or
Liposuction
or
Aversion Therapy (Each time you eat a cake
someone hits you with a stick and thus you learn to associate cakes with pain and not mmm yumminess)

It has to be will power as without that (with maybe the exception of aversion therapy) none of the others will work. The minute your jaws are unwired again your head will be stuck in the larder wolfing food down. Liposuction only takes away what's already there and you have to diet for it not to come back, and you can't diet or exercise without some will power - as us slothful types know.

I think I'll pick a random question:

What are you afraid of:

Spiders
or
The Dark
or
Snakes
or
You're much too macho to be afraid of anything!?

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Macho, macho man (macho man)
I've got to be, a macho man!

-The Village People

Yes ofcourse I am mucho macho. Spiders,snakes,darkness,dark spider snakes bring them all on; I can take them.

Well actually no I'm not a Macho man or even a Nacho man (can't stand Dorito's and dips just seem a bit unhygeinic to me) I'm afraid of everything but I do believe in facing up to my fears and not giving up without a fight and so I will pick the last option.

Reasons to be fearfulCheerful!

Christmas

or

RAIN
BO
WS

or

Puppys and Kittens

or

Ice cream

or

Anti-depressants

^ Gahhhh! Is it too much to ask to be able to post a word in colour and bold and have it come out in a straight line?

Rainbows are lovely but disappear very quickly. Ice cream is nice but again that doesn't last very long. Anti depressants are good while you're taking them but once the effect wears off you feel worse than ever. So, of course, puppies and kittens win! Hours and hours of fun and cuddles - plus claws and poo - but still, fun and cuddles, yay!!!!

I can't think of a good question at the moment so it'll have to be a simple one:

Do you prefer the weather

Very hot
or
Very cold?

Very cold, because its easier to add more layers!

When are you putting up your Christmas tree?

- Please, it's already up!

OR

- By end of November

OR

- December sometime

OR

- I'll be lucky if it's up the week before Christmas!

December sometime. It always used to be two weeks before as we have always had a real tree, anything much before that and you've got a bare tree by Christmas. But now, what with all no-drop, last-forever, all-singing, all-dancing trees it's more like at the beginning of December. As we have a puppy now though it'll have to be an ickle twee to put up on a table or something and not the humungus thing we usually get - or our doggy will strip it bare in five minutes. We can't have anything at dog level and as he's a big dog that's adult waist level!

Are your decorations:

Classic Victorian style
or
Modern white, and twiggy
or
Just chucked up any old how?

Modern, silver,fibre opticky and more like something that might visit our earth from the planet of the silver tree people than a real tree, or atleast it was modern in the 80's when we bought it along with the rest of our decorations that we bring out year after year
and the fairy whose so old shes developing varicose veins but Christmas is not about trees, there were no pine trees in Bethlehem.

I do worry about your Dog,jj. I hope that its toilet trained around Christmas trees because wee and fairy lights do not mix. Speaking of
Wee; I heard a child asking his mother if he could have a Wee for christmas; I didn't know he was talking about a Nintendo Wii, I thought he'd been holding it in all year.

Are you an Ebeneezer Scrooge and if so which Ghost would you most/least like to be visited by:

The Ghost Of Christmas Past
or
Christmas Present
or
Christmas Future?

Not the ghost of Christmas past (*shivers ) the noise of all the skeletons clinking in the cupboard would be deafening! It will have to be between Christmas Present and Christmas Future. I like presents but would a ghost's Christmas present be all see-through and not very useful? As in my present I'm not really rolling in it (other than our doggy rolling in fox poo) I think I'd take my chances with Christmas Future - although it could be worse than now!

What's the best thing about Christmas:

The family getting together
or
Christmas dinners
or
Presents
or
Being able to drink too much for a good reason?

^I was trying to get the angel on top of the tree!

I'm no Christmas-ochist. Dinner,Presents and Family mean Cooking,Shopping and reenacting an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show in the middle of your living room; people in silly paper hats screaming at each other. I pick alcohol because you need a bit of dutch courage just to survive the festive season.

Talking of alcohol, did you ever leave out a glass of brandy/sherry/whisky
etc for Santa and some mincepies and a carrot for Rudolph? Surely Santa must fly around our skies completely legless, drunk incharge of a flying magic sleigh from all those glasses of brandy; it's a wonder that he doesn't get pulled over and breathalysed by the flying
pixie police!

My Question: Turkey is not boo-tiful; it takes a whole day to cook and atleast two days to eat
in the form of Turkey Sandwiches/Stir-Fry etc
and so if you could have something else besides Turkey for Christmas dinner what would you like

Goose (Traditional favourite)
or
Roast Suckling Pig
or
A Big Mac with fries
or
Reindeer meat
or
Something else?

My favourite meat is lamb, which is really good slow roasted and it's something I would do if I was cooking. If I wasn't then I'd like to try a bird stuffed with a smaller bird which is again stuffed with an even smaller bird, and so on - just like Hugh Fearnley-Whittingnsohnghomshal did on his River Cottage programme. If you're going to eat a bird, why not eat several?

Staying with Christmas dinner, which dessert do you have:

Traditional pudding
or
Jelly and ice-cream
or
Something else
or
Eaten so much dinner you can't eat dessert too?

I'll have an Easter Egg.


Turkeys are magic, they have wishbones inside
them which makes them a bit like edible genies;
often you see Turkeys running round the farmyard trying to pull at their own wishbones saying "I wish I didn't have to die, gobble gobble"

Other magical creatures associated with Christmas are flying reindeers, which is your favourite:

Dasher
or
Dancer
or
Prancer
or
Vixen
or
Comet
or
Cupid
or
Donner
or
Blitzen
or
Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer?

I don't really know much about their individual characteristics other than Rudolph's red nose, but, as our doggy is a skinny greyhound cross and fawn in colour and dances about in his harness like a loon, I'll pick Prancer. In fact I think I might get him a pair of stick on antlers and send him out with Santa to earn his keep - he'll never notice the difference!

Outdoor house decorations:-

A few tasteful lights in the window and some ickle icicles flashing away

or

A huge National Grid busting gawdy display?