I was at my father's funeral and this man came up to me and said, `I've just come out of hospital. Rectal abscess. I've still got a son at home. He's in his forties and he won't leave.' I mean, I couldn't make that up - it's just the way somebody speaks.



So you'll all be sick of seeing my face all over the place, don't worry I won't become too popular, I'd much rather dip in and out like a duck mating and bury myself back in Bolton. You won't catch me going to the opening of an envelope …. a jiffy bag, but never an envelope ….



I hate Bank Holiday weekends, you never know what day it is, and what day the bin men are going to come.



Referring to his spot on ‘Friday Night With Jonathan Ross’: I was in a garden centre shopping, when I got a call to say that Sir John Mills was ill, and could I cover on the show as a guest. Before you could say 'Ryan's Daughter' I was on my way to London.



I never ever imagined that all this would happen when I was a cinema usher at the A.B.C in Bolton, picking Toffoes up off the floor and telling people the end of 'Seven' as I ripped their tickets.



So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.



I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.



The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".



So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".



But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.



So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller". He said "Not you again".



Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.



So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".



A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".



A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."



You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.



One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.



When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.



Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.



No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.



I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.



Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.



Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.


So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.



You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither.



As Brian Potter in Phoenix Nights:



What’s that on your arm? (Jerry: It’s a copper bracelet. It aids fitness & mobility). Does it? Better get two for me legs.



I'm in tears laughing....

Thanks for that. A proper giggle was just what I needed!
On the subject of Peter Kay we had a fire safety presentation the other day and the guy leading it I swear must have been who PK based Keith Lard on. He kept on referring to fire as a 'beast' I was in hysterics hiding at the back.

GARLIC BREAD!!!

Muuuuuum! Get a spoooooooon! My biscuit's fallen in my breeeeeeeeeeeew!

John, love, had any problems this week? "Yeah, I can't poo."

I'm in London. "You don't sound like you're in London."

Turn that telly down! Right down! Hang on, I'll just go outside. What did you say? "How big are your t*ts?"

Answering machine: "Hello, my name is mum..."

Making up dance moves to songs as a 'young 'un'

Thinking the bottom of party poppers are pound coins when he's drunk and trying to put them in his pocket quickly without falling over

When you wanna hang up, you gotta puch the red button. "Do I not just put it back in its holster?"

Don't think he's there, I can't hear him. Well, why's that back door open? What you defrosting?

Pen, pen.... down side of couch..... pound coin, that's mine.

"ITS SPITTIN!!!! every1 inside.....save urselves"

"i like it warm but i dont like it this warm...theres warm n theres warm.....im sweatin cobs.......wot r 'cob'???"

"dad r we alright goin threw customs with all these bags of white powder???"

"uncle knob head with his cream slip-on shoes"

"shes packed into THAT int she???"

"take the C off CHIPS n wot do u get??..... i carnt do it 4 ya!!!"

"put big light on will ya im doin me crossword"

"ye jokin"

"then it got 2 wednesday......&......i broke a nail so i ad a FRY UP!!!!! oh wev all bin there girls, giv her a round of appluse 4 trin!!!! trin WOT cookin oil!!!!! wots she tried????"

[QUOTE]Originally posted by dom3451:
John, love, had any problems this week? "Yeah, I can't poo."
QUOTE]

its joan btw not john!!! lol!!!

THE DANCING-TO-THE-DANCEFLOOR DANCE!!

What a classic.

OOh they've got a good spread on.. garlic bread...vol-au-vents...cheesecake...garlic bread...vol-au-vents..cheesecake..garlic bread. vol-au-vents..cheesecake..


Hobnobs.. Now there's a biscuit for dipping.



Dancing Queen...feel the heat from the tangerine.. oh yeah..you can dance, in your underpants..



"Im JUST CUPPIN' OUT ALL THAT EXTERIOR TRAFFIC NOISE WITH MY HAND... ITS JUST YOU AN' ME BROTHER..."


What a leg.end.

My sig is one of PK's gems

I love my job today. I teach a class of 9 and 10 year olds and some of them started doing Garlic Bread today. One of my kids has a proper PK accent and I was in hysterics, we were all doing requests by the end of the lesson. Who says teachers have an easy life!