THE BRITISH SPACE SHUTTLE HAS TAKEN OFF AND JUST ACHIEVED EARTH ORBIT. ONBOARD ARE 4 ASTRONAUTS. COMMANDER CHUCK ,OTHER CREW, BILL, ROD AND GARY.

Bill: 'Nice takeoff Commander'

Commander Chuck: 'Its just like a video game, except you dont have 4 million gallons of fuel strapped to your arse'

(ALL FOUR OF THEM LAUGH, SUDDENLY THERES A KNOCK AT A WINDOW, THEY ALL TURN AND SEE A MAN DESPERATELY HOLDING HIS BREATH, EYES BULGING)

CHUCK: 'What the..(URGENCY IN HIS VOICE) Bill open the outer airlock, Quick.

(BY NOW THE MANS FACE HAS GONE BRIGHT PURPLE, CHUCK POINTS FRANTICALLY AT THE AIRLOCK, MAN GIVES THE THUMBS UP AND MOVES TOWARDS IT)

ROD: 'How the hell did he get out there'

Gary: 'Maybe he's a Jehovah's witness' (CHUCK AND ROD GIVE HIM A DIRTY LOOK. GARY PUTS OUT HIS HANDS)I'm just saying'

( A WHOOSH SOUND COMES FROM THE AIR LOCK AS IT REPRESSURIZES, BILL OPENS THE DOOR, THE MAN STEPS THROUGH DRESSED IN A SMART SUIT, POLISHED SHOES AND BRIEFCASE)

Chuck: 'Who the hell are you'

MAN: (CATCHING HIS BREATH): 'Thought I was going to miss you there (HOLDS OUT HIS HAND) Peter Thickwit, Everapest Conservatories and Double Glazing'

(NOBODY SHAKES HIS HAND

ROD: 'How d'you get out there?'

PETER: 'It wasn't easy' (HE CHECKS THEIR NAME TAGS) Ah, Mr chuck Bigchin, you've probably forgotten, but you help us with a phone survey six months ago and I'm pleased to tell you, you've qualified for a thirty percent discount on our latest range'

Gary: 'Thirty percent...thats good'

CHUCK: 'Shut up Gary.....Mr Thickwit (PETERS HANDING OUT CATALOGUES TO THE CREW)...MR THICKWIT'

PETER: 'Please, call me pete'

CHUCKANNOYED) 'I'll be calling you something else in a minute'

PETE: 'Oh, have I called at a bad time'

(THE CREW ARE THUMBING THROUGH THE CATALOGUE'S. SHOWING EACH OTHER PAGES)

CHUCK: 'BAD TIME,...look your onboard the British Space Shuttle Exorbitant, we're carrying a lot of very important scientific experiments'

PETE (LOOK'S AROUND): 'Yes, it is a bit pokey' imagine the extra space you'd have with our Leviathon Deluxe Conservatory'

CHUCK (INCREDULOUS): 'Dont you realise we're two hundred and sixty miles above the earth'

PETE: 'Good,you shoudn't have any problems with planning permission then, no neighbours to object' (GIVES CHUCK A WINK)

bill: 'Look at this Chuck, if you buy the Deluxe it comes with a free barbeque patio'

ROD: 'Yup, thats the one I'd go for'

GARY: 'Me too'

CHUCK: 'Right,thats it (SNATCHING THE CATALOGUES FROM HIS CREW) I've had enough of this'

(CHUCK GRABS PETE BY THE COLLAR AND FROGMARCHES HIM INTO THE AIRLOCK AND CLOSES THE DOOR. PETE'S FACE FILLS THE SMALL WINDOW IN THE DOOR. HE LOOKS AROUND THE EDGES)

PETE (MUFFLED VOICE): 'You know, If you fitted bigger windows it'd let in more light'

(CHUCK SLAPS THE OUTER DOOR RELEASE)

PETE: 'I'll take that as a maybeeeeeee'(AS HE'S SUCKED OUT INTO SPACE)

(CHUCK TURNS, THE REST OF THE CREW ARE STARING AT HIM, ARMS FOLDED)

CHUCK: 'WHAT'

GARY: 'That was a bit much'

ROD: 'Yeah, he was only doing his job'

BILL: 'They come with real block wood floors you know'

(SLOWLY CHUCK PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AND STARTS TO SOB)

THE END

fundangle by name, fun by nature

That was really good. Nice one.

This is amazing - never would've thought of this in a million years. Excellent skills in screwing up the space context.

Yeah I liked this especially "'Maybe he's a Jehovah's witness'" that made me laugh.