Hey there people. This one smells a lot like the league of gentlemen... in fact it stinks of them. I hope I haven't ripped them off at all. If you're wondering about the multi posting it's coz of some dumb-ass typeos that I kept on finding.
Pub Story
INT. PUB
TWO GUYS (JOHN AND ALLEN) ARE SITTING AT A TABLE IN A PUB. THERE ARE 3 FULL PINTS OF BEER ON THE TABLE. ANOTHER GUY (BARRY) WALKS IN AND GOES OVER TO THEM.
BARRY:
Hi fellas.
JOHN:
Barry! Sit yourself down. We’ve got you a pint in.
BARRY SITS DOWN ON A CHAIR BETWEEN THEM.
BARRY:
Lovely. Cheers guys.
JOHN:
Allen has goes a cracking story to tell you Bazza. You’re going to love this! Absolutely love it! Go on Allen, tell him.
ALLEN:
Well, I bought this shirt the other day…
ALLEN POINTS TO THE SHIRT HE’S GOT ON.
CUT TO A SHOT OF ALLEN PUTTING THE SHIRT ON IN HIS HOUSE.
V/O ALLEN:
…and as I hadn’t worn it yet, I decided to put it on to come down the pub in.
CUT TO A SHOT OF ALLEN LEAVING HIS HOUSE AND CLOSING HIS FRONT DOOR.
V/O ALLEN:
When I was all ready and everything I left my house and closed the door behind me…
CUT BACK TO THE PUB.
JOHN:
What are you going on about the front door for!? How has that got anything to do with the story!? The shirt bit’s fine as you needed to know that for the story to make sense but why the hell does Barry need to know that you, like everyone else, closes their front door behind them!?
ALLEN:
Alright John.
JOHN:
Just get on with it, that’s all.
ALLEN:
Okay, I will.
JOHN: (GETTING IMPATIENT)
Go on then!
CUT TO A SHOT OF ALLEN WALKING DOWN THE STREET.
V/O ALLEN:
Right, so I started walking down the street in my new shirt…
CUT BACK TO THE PUB.
JOHN: (INTERRUPTS AND ANNOYED)
For god’s sake, Allen! We already know that you’ve got your shirt on! There’s no need to keep going on about it!
ALLEN: (A LITTLE IMPATIENT)
Alright John!
JOHN:
Well, stop saying pointless things! Jump forward a bit! Get to the point!
CUT TO A SHOT OF ALLEN WALKING UP TO A CORNER SHOP AND ENTERING IT.
V/O ALLEN:
Okay, so I went into the shop down the road to get some fags…
CUT BACK TO THE PUB:
JOHN: (INTERRUPTS)
What are you doing!?
ALLEN:
What?
JOHN:
You’ve just missed out the whole story!
ALLEN:
Have I?
JOHN:
Yes! It was before you went in the shop!
ALLEN:
Are you sure?
JOHN:
Yes! Start again from when you were walking down the street!
CUT TO THE SHOT OF ALLEN WALKING DOWN THE STREET AGAIN.
V/O ALLEN:
Alright, I was walking down the street and then…
IN THE SAME SHOT HE WALKS UP TO THE CORNER SHOP AND ENTERS IT.
V/O ALLEN:
…and then I went into the shop!
CUT BACK TO THE PUB.
ALLEN:
It was definitely after the shop!
JOHN:
Was it? Oh yeah, maybe you’re right. (BEAT) Anyway, why are you going on about the shop for if it happened after it!? The shop’s got nothing to do with the story, has it!? Start from when you LEAVE the shop!
CUT TO ALLEN WALKING OUT OF THE SHOP.
V/O ALLEN:
Okay, so I left the shop (BEAT) but realized I hadn’t picked up my fags…
CUT BACK TO THE PUB.
JOHN:
Don’t you even think about going back in that shop! Jump forwards again!
ALLEN:
But…
JOHN: (INTERRUPTS AND FUMING)
Now Allen!!!
CUT TO A SHOT OF ALLEN WALKING TOWARDS THE PUB.
V/O ALLEN: (STARTING TO PANIC UNDER THE PRESSURE)
Right, I was getting near the pub…
V/O JOHN: (INTERRUPTS)
No, you really have gone too far this time! Go back!
CUT TO A SHOT OF THE SHOP DOOR.
V/O ALLEN:
I picked up my fags…
V/O JOHN: (INTERRUPTS)
Too far! Go forwards!
CUT TO THE SHOT OF BARRY WALKING IN THE PUB.
V/O ALLEN: (PANICKING MORE)
Barry came over to us…
V/O JOHN: (INTERRUPTS)
Way too far! Back!!!
CUT TO THE SHOT OF ALLEN CLOSING HIS FRONT DOOR.
V/O ALLEN:
I closed my front door...
V/O JOHN: (INTERRUPTS AND SCREAMING)
FORWARDS!!!
CUT TO A SHOT OF THE THREE MEN LEAVING THE PUB.
V/O ALLEN:
We all left the pub…
CUT BACK TO THE PUB.
JOHN: (INTERRUPTS AND GOING BERSERK)
How is that possibly part of the story!?!?!? It hasn’t even happened yet!!!
ALLEN: (SHAKY VOICE LIKE HE’S GOING TO CRY)
You bloody tell it then!
JOHN:
Just get on with it!!!
ALLEN:
I can’t remember what the point of it was anyway!
JOHN:
Sod you then! And sod your sodding story!!!
THEY TURN AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. BARRY IS LEFT IN THE MIDDLE FEELING VERY AWKWARD. AFTER A FEW SECONDS OF SILENCE BARRY LOOKS AT ALLEN’S SLEEVE AND POINT TO A BLACK MARK ON IT.
BARRY:
What’s that on your arm, Allen?
ALLEN LOOKS AND BRIGHTENS UP. JOHN ALSO LOOKS ROUND.
ALLEN:
Oh yeah, that’s it. I leant against a wall and didn’t realize it had wet paint on it.
BARRY:
What, the one down the road that said ‘wet pants’ instead of ‘wet paint’?
ALLEN:
Yeah, that’s the one.
THEY SIT IN AN AWKWARD SILENCE AGAIN FOR A FEW SECONDS.
JOHN: (SARCASTIC)
Way to ruin a perfectly good story, Barry. Nice one.
JOHN GOES TO TAKE A SIP OF HIS PINT.
JOHN: (UNDER HIS BREATH)
Tw@t.
End.
Writing comedy is like taking a dump.
Don't force it or you might end up with something that isn't very funny at all...
