V/O: October 1805 and the British fleet has engaged the French off the coast of Trafalgar. The battle is finely balanced when, disaster strikes aboard HMS Victory...
[Int. Day. Nelson’s cabin on board HMS Victory. Nelson is a barely disguised woman in this sketch.]
Hardy: Make room, make room! Admiral Nelson has been hit!
Nelson: Ah, Hardy, I fear I am done for.
Hardy: Don’t talk, sir. Save your energy.
Nelson: I’m going to miss all this you know.
Hardy: What the thrill of command, the wind in your face, the esprit de corps?
Nelson: No, all the rum, sodomy and the lash...it’s even better when we leave Portsmouth! (Gasps theatrically)
Hardy: Where does it hurt sir? Let me press the wound to stop the bleeding.
Nelson: (eyes Hardy) Err, on my chest...here and...er, here (indicating breasts)
Hardy: A double hit!? It must be agony!
Nelson: Yes, but massaging helps (grabs Hardy’s hands and forcefully puts them on her chest) oooh, that’s better already
Hardy: (snatches back hands as if stung) Err, the swelling appears to be quite extreme, sir.
Nelson: I bet it is you dirty bugger!!
Hardy: SIR!! The pain must be affecting your mind, but please, you must think of the men!
Nelson: All I do is think of the men...packed together below decks, like so many sweating, masturbating sardines!
Hardy: I have to say, sir, that this conversation constitutes conduct unbecoming of a gentleman.
Nelson: That’s because I’m a woman, you dolt!
Hardy: Sorry?
Nelson: I am, and always have been, a woman!
Hardy: Look sir, we all of us like to dress up...you know, ‘pretend’...Some of us even like to play Smack My Bitch Up, but this sir...it’s not funny anymore...Heavens above, your injury must be worse than I thought.
Nelson: Sweet Jesus – You are thick! Look, I’m not injured. I faked it so we could be alone together!
Hardy: Eh?
Nelson: So, come along...England expects every man to do his duty...drop your kecks and kiss me Hardy
Hardy: Sorry to report, sir...MA’AM! But I don’t do the front bottom thing.
Nelson: Oh sweet Jesus! Well go and send me someone on this God forsaken ship who does!
Hardy: Actually, I think you’ll find there’s no-one aboard who’ll want to ‘accommodate’ you.
Nelson: Well bugger me!
Hardy: Now THERE we could possibly...
Nelson: Get Out! (Hardy leaves) I knew I should’ve joined the army! Now where’s that cabin boy
(Off: cabin boy whimpers)
Boy: Please sir, not the vagina thing again...it’s disgusting!
