Hello all - wrote this a while back in protest against crap Saturday night telly and the trend for lapping up the antics and tribulations of prancing idiots and minor celebrities. Not that I'm bitter, I just get cramp really easily...
A SATURDAY NIGHT, ALL SINGING, ALL DANCING REALITY TV PROGRAMME WHERE A PERFORMER HAS JUST FINISHED DOING THEIR THING AND IS QUEUING UP TO RECEIVE COMMENTS FROM THE PANEL OF JUDGES
FX: LOTS OF CLAPPING AND CHEERING
PRESENTER: Oh, well done there guys. What a performance! And now what do the judges think?
FX: CROWD QUIETENS DOWN
JUDGE 1 (small, embittered, alien-looking, wrinkle of a woman, shaking her head slowly): Well, I’ll say this: it’s an improvement since last time, but still not enough… <FX: CROWD “BOOO!”> Don’t get me wrong, your socks match, but … <FX: CROWD “BOOO!”> your legs stew like a leg of lamb <FX: BOO!> wrapped in a dirty leaf.
FX: CROWD “BOOO!”
PRESENTER: And what did you think of that Brett?
JUDGE 2 (very sharply dressed young man on his mobile phone, paying little attention to the gameshow): Yeah, yeah. Sure. Yeah. Definitely. Tell Margo, yeah. Yep. Of course I will. Not at all. Definitely. Yeah. Sure. Ok. Bye bye.
HE SNAPS HIS PHONE SHUT
JUDGE 2: Average!
FX: CROWD LET OFF A SMALL CHEER
PRESENTER: And Graham? Your verdict please! JUDGE 3 (a nice old man with a big smile on his face): Well, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I know almost nothing about dancing… <FX: CROWD CHEER LOUDLY> and I don’t even know if I like it in the first place… <FX: CROWD CHEER LOUDLY> but I do think that Brussels sprouts are ok!
FX: CROWD CHEER WILDLY. OLD MAN HAS A PROUD SMILE ON HIS FACE
PRESENTER: Well, there we have it from Graham. And now our final opinion from Gareth!
JUDGE 4, A SAMURAI IN FULL KIT, SPEAKS IN JAPANESE, GESTURING EMPHATICALLY. THE CROWD “OOOH” AND “AAAH” ACCORDING TO WHAT HE APPEARS TO BE SAYING.
PRESENTER: Thank you Gareth. And now, Judges, your marks for that performance please!
JUDGE 1: An undercooked two out of ten!
FX: CROWD BOOS
JUDGE 2 <on his phone>: Sure. Sure. Whatever. Yeah. Hang on a sec… Just give it a Five, yeah?
FX: CROWD LET OFF A SMALL CHEER
JUDGE 3: I give this number, only because it’s my favourite number… <FX: CROWD CHEER> and it has nothing to do with the quality of performance because I can’t remember one from another <FX: CROWD CHEER>, so I give it… nine out of ten! <FX: CROWD CHEER AGAIN>
JUDGE 4 SAYS SOMETHING IN JAPANESE WITH A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE. HE OUTSTRETCHES ALL OF HIS FINGERS AND FLASHES THEM AT THE CAMERA.
THE CROWD CHEER HAPPILY, THINKING HE’S GIVEN IT TEN OUT OF TEN. SUBTITLES TRANSLATE IT TO MEAN “ONE OUT OF TEN. IF I HAVE TO WATCH THAT AGAIN, I’LL USE MY OWN HANDS TO SHRED THEM LIKE CONFETTI!”
PRESENTER: Well, there we go. Next up is Donna and Lance’s chance to book themselves into next week’s semi final, and they’ll be performing a medieval love ritual to the sound of Gina G! Here it is!
I think there's very few programmes on telly that aren't naff, especially on sat night. Perhaps they're all just really elaborate and subtle sketches, written by someone with an obsessive sense of irony and excellent TV contacts..?
Good dig at crappy TV Sunday night was summed up by BBC1 last night Waking the Dead (repeat) One foot In the Grave (although funny a repeat) then to end the Dead End TV night Tombstone..... Dead Loss or what?
