A WISENED CHINESE MAN WITH LUDICROUSLY LONG MOUSTACHE STANDS IN FRONT OF A CLASS OF HIS STUDENTS
MASTER: “Welcome to existential self-manipulation II. Today we will try for the most advanced technique yet by attempting to attain pure enlightenment. It is my firm handed belief…(titters)…HAI (sudden silence) that if we can keep it up (titters)...HAI! (silence) for several hours, our fevered state should induce a hallucinogenic high leading to visions of a higher plain of consciousness. Remember if you feel like you may release yourself from this culminating state of nirvana early please concentrate on something less stimulating. We CAN achieve this Zen like state through the true sound of one hand slapping !…
MASTER: “Hai” (zip unfastening sound)
CLASS: “HAI” (sound of a multitude of zips unfastening)
MASTER: “BEGIN!”…
A SLIGHTLY LESS WISENED LOOKING CHINESE MAN WITH SLIGHTLY SMALLER MOUSTACHE BEATS A DRUM FOR PACE IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM
INTENSE CONCENTRATION, GROANS AND LIP-BITING BEGIN AFTER THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES
OTHER APPRENTICES: (frustrated pleading) “Annnnnnnnnnnnne Widdicombe…”(starts to reverberate around the room)
APPRENTICE B IN BACK ROW: (Ecstatic) “Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnne Widdeeeeeeeeeeeeecummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!” (noise of a squeezy bottle contents being deployed)
OTHER APPRENTICES IN UNISON: (Disgusted) “Uurggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh” (all existential manipulation is paused)
MASTER : (Angry) “You in back row!…What wrong with you?
APPRENTICE B: (breathless) “IIIII’m sorry master it was the thought of that hot basin haircut…I’ve always been a big Beatles fan.
MASTER: “Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…well I certainly do NOT want to hold your hand…”
OTHER APPRENTICES: (Laughter)…(various) ” Very clever Master”, “Ingenious Master”, “Inciteful Master” …
MASTER: “HAI” (laughter stops immediately)…”Now is there ANYONE into Jade Goody?!”
OTHER APPRENTICES: (bowed heads, ashamed voices) “no master…”
