Hi Everybody! Included below is the first draft of a sit-com pilot I wrote a year or two ago. I'm organizing my back-log and I'm in two mind about whether to work on a second draft or simply abandon it, so any feedback you can give would be very much appreciated...

Thanks.


SHUSH!

Pilot Episode: ‘Nothing like spectacular.’

© Scott H Mitchell 2005


SCENE 1: INT. LIBRARY

THE LIBRARY IS WITHOUT PATRONS.

BEHIND THE LIBRARIANS COUNTER THERE IS AN OPEN DOOR LEADING TO AN OFFICE.

TO THE RIGHT OF THE COUNTER ARE TWO DOORS MARKED AS THE LADIES AND GENTS TOILET.

PHYLLIS IS STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER LOOKING GLUM.

PHYLLIS (AROUND 30 YEARS OLD) IS DRESSED CONSERVATIVELY, IN A LONG SKIRT AND JUMPER. SHE IS WEARING STYLISH GLASSES.

DOREEN ENTERS FROM THE OFFICE WITH THREE COFFEES.

DOREEN (APPROXIMATELY 45 YEARS OLD) IS DRESSED IN A SHORT BLACK SKIRT, HER BLACK BRA IS CLEARLY VISIBLE UNDER HER WHITE BLOUSE.

SHE PLACES THE COFFEES ON THE COUNTER, SLIDES ONE IN FRONT OF PHYLIS AND FROWNS.

DOREEN:
Who’s farted in your face?

PHYLLIS:
Huh?

DOREEN:
You look like you’ve just eaten a menopause – what’s wrong with you?

PHYLLIS:
I’m bored!

DOREEN:
Read a book.

PHYLLIS:
(SIGH) I’m sick of reading books. I’m sick of staring out into an empty room. I want something exciting to happen, something… something spectacular.

SUDDENLY EDNA JUMPS OUT FROM BEHIND A BOOKSHELF WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS.

EDNA (AROUND 50 YEARS OLD) IS DRESSED IN A LONG BLUE SKIRT AND A BRIGHTLY COLOURED BLOUSE, SHE IS OVERWEIGHT, HAS THICK HORN RIMMED GLASSES, TOO MUCH MAKE-UP AND A HUNCH-BACK.

SHE HAS AN OPEN BOOK HANGING FROM HER WAIST-BAND LIKE A SPORRAN.

SHE THRUSTS HER GROIN BACK AND FORTH, MAKING THE BOOKS PAGES FLAP OPEN AND CLOSED.

EDNA:
Read – my – lips! Read – my – lips!

EDNA CRACKS UP LAUGHING.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS ARE UNMOVED.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS: (IN UNISON)
Your coffee’s ready.

EDNA:
Oh, right. Won’t be a second, just got to go and wet my hair.

REMOVING THE BOOK, EDNA EXITS INTO THE WOMENS TOILET.

DOREEN AND EDNA RETURN TO THEIR CONVERSATION.

DOREEN:
You don’t see a lot of spectacular in Midgeport. There’s a lot of ‘seen it before’ and a little bit of ‘mildly interesting’, but not very much spectacular.

PHYLLIS:
I don’t want very much, just enough to… to let me know I’m still alive. To show me that there’s something out there. Just a moment, a distraction, something to wake me up again. I don’t care what it is, just as long as it’s… spectacular.

DOREEN STUDIES PHYLLIS FOR A MOMENT.

DOREEN:
Have you run the batteries down on your rabbit again?

PHYLLIS:
No! (PAUSE) I just… jammed the mechanism a bit.

CUT TO:

SCENE 2: INT. TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA IS SAT ON THE TOILET PEEING. (HER SKIRT COVERING HER MODESTY).

THE TOILET ROLL HOLDER IS EMPTY, BUT EDNA HASN’T NOTICED.

SHE WIGGLES HER HIPS TO SHAKE OFF THE LAST DROPS OF PEE AND BEGINS TO STAND.

SHE HESITATES, SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS AND SITS DOWN AGAIN.

EDNA:
In for a penny, in for a pound.

WITH A DEEP BREATH EDNA’S FACE INTENSIFIES.

SHE BEGINS TO EMPTY HER BOWELS NOISILY.

CUT TO:

SCENE 3: INT.LIBRARY

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS ARE STILL TALKING OVER COFFEE.

DOREEN:
You need a hump.

PHYLLIS:
What – like Edna’s?

DOREEN:
No. You need a… a… (PAUSE) You need to shove a squeaky red nose into your clown’s pocket.

PHYLLIS:
(LAUGHING) What?!

DOREEN:
You’re short of a ride on Mr Whippy’s pointy cone of seduction.

PHYLLIS:
Oh come on! Who calls it that?

DOREEN:
You’re in need of a smear-test from doctor any-guy?

PHYLLIS:
That’s it – you’re banned from the internet.

CUT TO:


SCENE 4: INT. TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA IS SAT ON THE TOILET, HER FACE AWASH WITH RELIEF.

SHE REACHES OUT TO THE EMPTY TOILET ROLL HOLDER AND FREEZES.

HER EYES WIDEN WITH TERROR.

CUT TO:


SCENE 5: INT. LIBRARY

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS ARE STILL CONVERSING.

DOREEN:
Harry One-leg.

PHYLLIS:
He’s married!

DOREEN:
Tommy the hat.

PHYLLIS:
You’re joking aren’t you? He’s got a face like a dropped sherry-trifle!

DOREEN:
He’s got his own business.

PHYLLIS:
He’s got an arse for a head.

DOREEN:
Yeah, he’s a minger. (PAUSE – THEN SMILING) How about Mr Morris?

PHYLLIS:
Mmm, Mr Morris, now there’s a finger waiting to be fudged.

DOREEN:
(LAUGHING) A what?

PHYLLIS:
He’s married though.

DOREEN:
They’re divorced!

PHYLLIS:
He still lives with her.

DOREEN:
Look, just because he’s got a cat at home it doesn’t mean he’s not ready to go out and stroke another woman’s puss...


PHYLLIS: (INTERRUPTING)
Oh now that’s just crude!

DOREEN:
That’s crude?! A second ago you were talking fudge-fingers!

CUT TO:

SCENE 6: INT. TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA LOOKS TO BE IN A PANIC.

EDNA: (SHOUTING)
He-ee-eee-eee-eee-eee-eelp!

THE SHOUT IS PUNCTUATED BY AN ABRUPT FART.

CUT TO:


SCENE 7: INT. LIBRARY

DOREEN AND PHYLIS ARE STILL DEEP IN CONVERSATION.

DOREEN:
She sleeps in a separate part of the house, you’d hardly even see her.

PHYLLIS:
I am not dating a man who lives with his ex-wife – it’s… creepy!

DOREEN:
No more creepy than licking one-eyed Norman’s empty socket!

PHYLLIS:
I was drunk! And this is different.

DOREEN:
What’s the worst that can happen?

PHYLLIS:
Have you met his wife?!

DOREEN:
Ex wife.

PHYLLIS:
She’s built like a butcher! She could crack my skull with her arse-cheeks!

DOREEN:
She’s not that tough.

PHYLLIS:
Not that tough!? She’s a he-beast! She doesn’t lift weights – she eats them!

DOREEN:
You could take her.

PHYLLIS:
I could take her to the zoo, I could take her to Ripley’s believe it or not, but there’s no way I’m taking her man off her – she might get… angry.


DOREEN:
She’s not the hulk you know.

PHYLLIS:
No – she’s the woman who bitch-slaps the Hulk for looking at her shoes!

DOREEN:
Wait ‘til she goes out, then do him.

PHYLLIS:
She never goes out – she’s a hermit. (PAUSE) She’s Hermit Munster!

CUT TO:


SCENE 8: INT. TOILET

EDNA IS SAT ON THE TOILET FROWNING.

SHE DRUMS HER FINGERS ON HER CHIN, TRYING TO THINK OF A SOLUTION.

SHE STOPS, PAUSES, THEN LIFTS HER FINGERS TO HER NOSE.

SHE SNIFFS THEM AND RECOILS FROM THE SMELL.

CUT TO:


SCENE 9: INT. LIBRARY.

PHYLLIS:
Anyway, it doesn’t have to be a man. It just has to be something…

DOREEN:
Spectacular – I get it.

PHYLLIS:
Yeah, like… like a… like… (SIGH) alright, I need a man, what am I going to do?

Doreen:
Tuck into Mr Morris!

PHYLLIS:
No! Unless his man of a wife either dies, explodes, disappears into thin air or goes back to Mordor, Mr Morris is off limits. It’ll have to be someone else.

BOTH WOMEN SIP THEIR COFFEE AND CONSIDER THE PROBLEM.

DOREEN:
Barry with the hair lip?

PHYLLIS:
Too young.

DOREEN:
Buck-tooth Kenny.

PHYLLIS:
Too stupid.

DOREEN:
Big fat Ronny.

PHYLLIS:
(Frowns) The clue’s in the title.

DOREEN:
Alright then, what about cross-eyed Tarquin?

PHYLLIS THROWS HER HANDS UP IN EXASPERATION.

PHYLLIS:
What is wrong with this town?! All the men are boot-faced with silly nicknames and bits missing!

DOREEN:
Mr Morris hasn’t got a boot face, and I’m sure he’d let you check to see if all his bits are intact.

PHYLLIS:
Yeah, and he doesn’t have a nickname either does he – what’s all that about? Everybody in this town has a nickname. Even his wife has a nickname, Don’t-hit-me Deirdre they call her. Why hasn’t he got one?

DOREEN:
I don’t have a nickname.

PHYLLIS:
Yes you do. All three of us do.

DOREEN:
Do we? What are they?

PHYLLIS:
Well, you’re Desperate Doreen…

DOREEN:
Desperate Doreen!

PHYLLIS:
I’m Phyllis the book-worm…

DOREEN:
How am I desperate?!

PHYLLIS:
And Edna’s called Ten-pin.

DOREEN:
I’m not even close to being… (FROWNS) Ten pin? Why Ten-pin?

PHYLLIS:
I don’t know, it’s what her second husband used to call her, I think it has something to do with the way you pick a bowling bowl up (PHYLLIS MIMES PICKING A BOWLING BOWL UP), I don’t really get it myself.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS PONDER THIS A MOMENT.

PHYLLIS:
Where is Edna?

THEY LOOK TOWARDS THE TOILET.

DOREEN:
She’s probably bombing China, Derek took her for a curry last night.

PHYLLIS:
Oh dear, she’ll be in there all day.

CUT TO:


SCENE 10: INT. TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA IS TRYING TO TEAR OFF A PIECE OF CLOTH FROM THE BOTTOM OF HER DRESS.

AFTER MUCH STRAINING SHE GIVES UP.

EDNA:
I’m going to have to start wearing underwear again.

SHE DESPERATELY LOOKS AROUND FOR SOMETHING ELSE TO USE AS TOILET PAPER.

EDNA:
A pair of knickers or a sock would come in real handy right now.

SHE LOOKS AT THE TOILET ROLL HOLDER.

ON THE CARDBOARD TUBE THERE ARE A COUPLE OF SMALL SCRAPS OF TOILET PAPER REMAINING.

WITH GREAT CARE SHE BEGINS TO PICK OFF THE SCRAPS OF PAPER.

CUT TO:


SCENE 11: INT. LIBRARY

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS ARE STILL PRESENT.

DOREEN:
Why Desperate Doreen? Why not Dippy or Deadly? Anything but desperate – that’s just demeaning.

PHYLLIS:
I think it’s because you used to be an Adam Ant fan, remember? You had a badge and everything.

DOREEN:
What’s that got to do with being desperate?

PHYLLIS:
Well he was the dandy highwayman wasn’t he?

DOREEN:
And?

PHYLLIS:
Dandy – the comic?

DOREEN:
Are you on pills?

PHYLLIS:
(SIGH) Desperate Dan, Desperate Doreen – Adam Ant fan!

DOREEN STUDIES PHYLLIS’S FACE.

DOREEN:
You just made that up didn’t you.

PHYLLIS:
Yeah. They call you Desperate ‘cause you’ll shag anything with three legs.

DOREEN:
Well that’s not desperate is it? You’re only desperate when you can’t get a jump!

PHYLLIS:
Like me you mean?

DOREEN:
Exactly!

PHYLLIS:
Thanks!

DOREEN:
Don’t mention it.

CUT TO:

SCENE 12: INT. TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA IS SAT ON THE TOILET WITH SEVERAL SMALL SCRAPS OF TOILET PAPER IN HER LAP – ALL BUT ONE STUCK TOGETHER.

WITH A GRIMACE SHE WETS HER FINGER AND STICKS THE LAST PIECE TO THE OTHERS.

SHE HOLDS UP THE PIECES TO THE LIGHT.

COMBINED THEY ARE STILL NO BIGGER THAN A COASTER.

FRUSTRATED, SHE CRUMPLES UP THE PIECES AND THROWS THEM TO THE FLOOR.

EDNA: (SHOUTING)

He-ee-eee-eee-eee-eelp!

THIS TIME THE SHOUT IS PUNCTUATED WITH TWO ABRUPT FARTS AND A HEAVY SIGH.

CUT TO:


SCENE 13: INT. LIBRARY

DOREEN:
Why not try speed dating?

PHYLLIS:
In this town? You couldn’t go quick enough! The good looking men are all married and the ugly ones are, well… ugly.
You don’t go on blind dates in Midgeport, you go on wish-you-were-blind dates! I tell you it’s hopeless – I’ve been looking for three years now and I still haven’t had a sniff.

DOREEN LOOKS SHOCKED.

DOREEN:
Three years?!

PHYLLIS:
Alright, don’t ham it up.

DOREEN:
Three years!?!

PHYLLIS:
Yes – three years, it’s not that long.

DOREEN:
It’s long enough for your bits to heal up! You’re gonna need a crowbar soon!

PHYLLIS:
We can’t all be easy!

DOREEN:
Easy?

PHILLIS:
(SINGING) Easy like Desperate Do-reen.

DOREEN:
I’m not easy, I’m just… not difficult.

PHYLLIS:
Not difficult? Corpses put up more resistance than you – you’re worse than a humping dog!

DOREEN:
(LAUGHING) I do get around a bit don’t I.

PHYLLIS:
You should have a toll-booth set up outside your bedroom.

DOREEN:
Who makes it to the bedroom?

CUT TO:

SCENE 14: INT TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA IS LEANING FORWARD, USING HER HAND TO WAFT COLD AIR ONTO HER BUTTOCKS.

AFTER A MOMENT SHE STOPS, THEN VERY CAREFULLY TRIES TO STAND.

BARELY AN INCH FROM THE SEAT SHE GRIMACES AND SITS BACK DOWN.

EDNA:
(MIMICKING) ‘Try a madras – you’ll love it!’… bloody moron. If I’ve got anything left I’m gonna squeeze it out into his pillow case, see how he likes that! (LONG PAUSE - THEN MIMICKING) ‘It’s very spicy isn’t it?’

CUT TO:

SCENE 15: INT. LIBRARY.

DOREEN:
I saw Mrs Beaten on the way in this morning.

PHYLLIS:
Should-be Beaten?

DOREEN:
No, her mother – Bingo Lilly.

PHYLLIS:
Oh yeah, how’s her new hip?

DOREEN:
All over the place, she was coming at me like a drunken ninja.

PHYLLIS:
Did she not have her walking frame with her?

DOREEN:
No, she lost it at cards.

PHYLLIS:
Again?

DOREEN:
Yeah, she lost her teeth as well, her old man’s going nuts about it.

PHYLLIS:
He’s no room to talk, he’s as bad as her for gambling.

DOREEN:
It’s not that, they only had the one set of teeth between them, and tonight’s pork-chop night.

PHYLLIS:
Oh dear, he won’t be happy about that, he likes his pork-chops does peg-leg.

DOREEN:
That’s why she was going to the shops this morning, she’s looking for a tin of pork-chop soup.

PHILLIS:
Do they do pork chop soup?

DOREEN SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS.

CUT TO:

SCENE 16: INT. TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA IS TRYING TO RIP THE SLEEVE OFF HER BLOUSE.

SHE PULLS WITH ALL HER MIGHT AND THE SLEEVE RIPS OFF, SLIPS FROM HER FINGERS AND FLIES OUT UNDER THE CUBICLE DOOR.

A LOOK OF DISBELIEF TURNS QUICKLY TO DETERMINATION AS SHE IMMEDIATELY TRIES TO RIP OFF THE OTHER SLEEVE.

CUT TO:


SCENE 17: INT. LIBRARY.

PHYLLIS:
Have you seen Death-bed Jimmy this week?

DOREEN:
He was down at the hospital on Wednesday visiting Wafer Bill.

PHYLLIS:
I thought Bill was getting better?

DOREEN:
Apparently not, he died on Thursday.

PHYLLIS:
Oh, that’s terrible.

DOREEN NODS.

PHYLLIS:
You know, when I went in to get my farmers popped I had nightmares about Death-bed Jimmy coming to visit me.

DOREEN:
I know what you mean, he’s like the angel of death in a tank-top. I was having a hot flush one day and he knocked on the kitchen window – I nearly crapped myself!

PHYLLIS:
What did he want?

DOREEN:
He just came round to tell me who died that week, still scared the Maltesers out of me though!

PHYLLIS:
It’s a bit odd when you think about it.

DOREEN:
What?

PHYLLIS:
Well, if everybody he visits in hospital dies, why don’t the hospital just stop him from visiting people?


DOREEN:
You’re kidding! They love him down there, he clears a bed a week – two in winter! They’ve even started putting his name on the death certificate.

PHYLLIS:
Yeah, right.

DOREEN:
Honestly! Cause of death – friend of Jimmy Collins.

PHYLLIS:
(LAUGHING) Famous last words, (FEIGNING FEAR) those grapes aren’t for me are they Jimmy?

BOTH WOMEN LAUGH.

CUT TO:

SCENE 18: INT. WOMENS TOILET/ OUTSIDE THE CLOSED CUBICLE DOOR.

THERE IS A SLEEVE ON THE FLOOR, SLIGHTLY AWAY FROM THE CLOSED DOOR.

THERE IS THE MUFFLED SOUND OF STRUGGLING.

WITH A TEARING SOUND, A SECOND SLEEVE FLIES OUT FROM UNDER THE CUBICLE DOOR, SLIDING TO A STOP BESIDE THE OTHER.

AFTER A PREGNANT PAUSE, THE CUBICLE SUDDENLY BEGINS SHAKING AS EDNA BANGS AND SCREAMS AGAINST IT’S WALLS AND DOOR,

CUT TO:


SCENE 19: INT LIBRARY.

DOREEN IS ADMIRING THE SHAPE OF HER GROIN.

PHYLLIS IS GAZING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.

DOREEN:
I’m thinking of having a Brazilian.

PHYLLIS:
I prefer a Chinese.

DOREEN: (FROWNING)
What’s a Chinese?

PHYLLIS:
You’ve never had one?

DOREEN:
(SURPRISED) No, I’m obviously not as cosmopolitan as you! What’s it like?

PHYLLIS:
It’s nice, sweet. A few too many noodles though, and not enough mushrooms.

DOREEN:
(SIGH) You’re talking about food again aren’t you?

PHYLLIS:
You started it!

DOREEN:
A Brazilian isn’t a take-away dish! – It’s a… a hairstyle.

PHYLLIS:
Oh right. (PAUSE) I thought you liked your hair?

DOREEN:
Pubic hair.

PHYLLIS:
What – you’re getting a perm?

CUT TO:


SCENE 20: INT. TOILET CUBICLE

EDNA IS TOTALLY DISHEVELLED. HER SLEEVES ARE MISSING, HER GLASSES ARE OFF, HER HAIR IS A MESS AND SHE IS OUT OF BREATH.

A DAWNING REALISATION BEGINS TO CROSS HER FACE.

SLOWLY SHE LEANS TO ONE SIDE AND LOOKS BEHIND HER.

THERE IS A FRESH ROLL OF TOILET ROLL RESTING ON THE CISTERN.

SHE PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS AND BEGINS TO SOB.

CUT TO:

SCENE 21: INT. LIBRARY

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS ARE STILL BEHIND THE COUNTER.

PHYLLIS:
There’s a sing-a-long tonight at the Cock-eyed pheasant if you fancy it?

DOREEN SLOWLY SHAKES HER HEAD WITH DISAPPOINTMENT.

DOREEN:
You know, you’re never gonna get your curtains wet if you keep hanging round with those sheep-sharers.

PHYLLIS:
They’re folk singers – they’re not Welsh! They’re the closest thing we get to rock and roll around these parts; I thought they’d be right up your alley!

DOREEN:
Nothing that’s been dipped in a sheep is going anywhere near my alley!

PHYLLIS:
They don’t sleep with sheep!

DOREEN:
Yeah right, they’re all woolly jumpers and poems – they’ve got to be sheep-shaggers!

PHYLLIS:
They’re just sensitive.

DOREEN:
Yeah, sensitive about anybody mentioning sheep.

PHYLLIS:
Are you coming or what?

DOREEN:
Yeah, alright. (PAUSE) Do you think if I put my fur-coat on they’d get confused?

WITH A LOUD BANG THE TOILET DOOR BURST OPEN.

EDNA STAGGERS IN LOOKING A MESS.

HER MASCARA HAS RUN ALL THE WAY DOWN HER CHEEKS, HER SLEEVES ARE MISSING AND HER HAIR IS STICKING UP IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A LONG STRIP OF TOILET PAPER TRAILS OUT FROM UNDER HER SKIRT.

SHE HAS AN EMPTY CARDBOARD TOILET ROLL TUBE IN HER HAND.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS LOOK AT HER IN STUNNED DISBELIEF.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS: (IN UNISON)
Your coffee’s gone cold.

EDNA BEGINS WALKING AROUND THE COUNTER.

EDNA:
I’ll put it in the microwave.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS NOTICE THE TOILET PAPER TRAILING FROM UNDER HER SKIRT AND GRIMACE.

BOTH WOMEN ARE NOW TRYING DESPERATELY TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE.

EDNA DROPS THE CARDBOARD TUBE ON THE COUNTER.

EDNA:
I changed the toilet roll in the ladies.


PHYLLIS:
Yes… I, uh… I thought that.

THEY CONTINUE TO WATCH AS EDNA WALKS AROUND THE COUNTER, PICKS UP HER COFFEE AND HEADS INTO THE OFFICE.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS WATCH THE TRAILING TOILET PAPER FOLLOW HER OUT OF VIEW.

DOREEN:
Edna?

EDNA: (O.O.V.)
Yes?

DOREEN:
Are you still having that boycott on underwear?

PHYLLIS GRABS DOREENS ARM AND, STIFLING HER LAUGHTER, MOUTHS THE WORD ‘DON’T’.

EDNA POPS HER HEAD AROUND THE DOOR FROWNING.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS QUICKLY TRY TO APPEAR NONCHALANT.

EDNA:
Yes, why?

DOREEN:
No reason really, just thinking about what to get you for your birthday.

EDNA THINKS FOR A MOMENT.

EDNA:
A bidet would be nice.

SHE DISAPPEARS BACK INTO THE OFFICE.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS TRY THEIR BEST NOT TO ROAR WITH LAUGHTER.

THE MICROWAVE IN THE OFFICE ‘PINGS’.


PHYLLIS: (SHOUTING TO EDNA)
Are you coming down to the Cock-eyed Pheasant tonight Edna?

EDNA RETURNS FROM THE OFFICE WITH THE COFFEE IN ONE HAND AND THE STRIP OF TOILET PAPER IN THE OTHER.

SHE TRIES TO DROP THE TOILET PAPER INTO THE BIN, BUT IT’S STUCK TO HER HAND AND TAKES MORE THAN A COUPLE OF SHAKES TO RELEASE.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS WATCH WITH RENEWED AMAZEMENT.

EDNA STANDS BESIDE THEM AT THE COUNTER.

EDNA:
Cock-eyed Pheasant? It’s full of sheep-shaggers isn’t it?

EDNA SIPS HER COFFEE.

DOREEN TURNS TO PHYLLIS.

DOREEN:
You know for some people, spectacular’s just a way of life.

PHYLLIS NODS, EYES STILL FIXED ON EDNA.

FADE OUT.


END OF EPISODE.

Quite like it, some good oe liners, but it's put me off my belgian bun a bit.
I could see it being aired just after Heartbeat.

cheers
btc

Congrats. You are the first person ever who has been able to remove my headphones! I didn't want to kill the scene with the Ramones blasting in my ears.

I know people like Edna. Older too. I always think that being old is going to be a laugh. My plan is to get false teeth so when people aren't looking, I can drop them into their beers in the pub. It's also useful for fancy pie crusts.

Me? Off the point? Never!

You've certainly got some great characters to experiement with so maybe it's worth looking into this further. Go bananas.

Back to Judy is a punk..........

Hi Scott I really enjoyed reading this. Some very funny lines.. you're having a perm had me laughing out loud. The pay off to the loo paper was really good. Edna in my mind looked just like Victoria Wood's mum in dinner ladies. I'm not good with farting etc but then Blazing Saddles is one of my favourite films.


If you are going to do a second draft I would look at the lemgth as it's about half the length of a sitcom. Basically it's one conversation cutting away to the visual business in the loo.. so you may need to think of putting a bit of plot in it. I think you could probably trim some of the Doreen Phyllis exchanges, keep the best bits and that will give you room for more story.

I guess you had in mind it working a bit like the Royle Family, which is no bad thing, where they talk in real time for half an hour.. but even within that format there is a story unfolding. A story that is all character based like your own.

If you were to lose the visual comedy of Edna you would be left with the duologue - which could be done on radio as they have fifteen minute slots occassionally I believe. {?) I guess there would be watershed issues but Radio I believe is better sometimes in that area than television.

Keep us posted on your plans.

ps I think that was Sheena Miss Snowdrop.. don;t get too close to fire now! x

Thanks for the feedback guys, reading it over again after all this time gave me a couple of ideas about its development, so I guess I'll crack on with a second draft.

Originally there were a number of cutaway sketches showing the nervous Mr Morris (Phyllis's love interest) outside the library with a bunch of flowers trying to pluck up the courage to ask Phyllis out (and eventually giving up), but they seemed a little forced so I cut them completely hoping that the timing would match a commercial stations 30 minute mark (including ads).

I wanted to end up with a cross between 'Golden Girls' and 'Gimme, gimme, gimme', and I based the pace and style on the porridge episode 'A quiet night in', where nothing actually happens except the friendly conversations between the two main characters.

But I guess you're right, a more involving plot wouldn't go amiss.

Once again, thanks for the feedback, you've given me a lot to think about.

Cheers...

P.S. Just thought I'd share the fact that before starting, I assigned actors to the characters in order to help me get further into their characters. I had Lucy Porter playing Phyllis, Michelle Gomez playing Doreen, and believe it or not - Patricia Routledge as Edna.

Chance would be a fine thing!

[quote]I based the pace and style on the porridge episode 'A quiet night in', where nothing actually happens except the friendly conversations between the two main characters.

But I guess you're right, a more involving plot wouldn't go amiss.


I think you could keep with what you were doing it just needs to be longer. A sitcom script is about six and a half thousand words and yours is just over three thousand. So it's just whether you can feel you can fill the half hour, so there needs to be some narrative within the conversation as it were, the plot structured around a reveal of character and back story perhaps. It might be useful to still think in terms of the traditional three acts. I'm pretty sure 'A quiet night in' still had three acts to it.

Excellent casting with Michelle and Lucy.. but I'm not sure I want to see Hetty Wainthrop sitting on the loo!!!

cheers

Sabriel Orlando Avalon Benkins

lol hermit munster

quote:

Originally posted by Sabriel:
ps I think that was Sheena Miss Snowdrop.. don;t get too close to fire now! x

Nope, that's Sheena is a punk rocker. A different song by the same band. DUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Don't get me started on music cause you will end up crying like a puppy!!!! Nah, I'm harmless like a baby seal.

Don't run away.......

i liked it! carry on, tis good!

Lol. I've got to admit, of all the things I've written, this was the one that I enjoyed writing most.

Wow! I just got an e-mail from earlydoors (thanks for the heads up), letting me know that the makers of Father Ted have just filmed a pilot show set in a library called 'Shush.'

I went on an internet search and found that earlydoors was right. There are very few details about the show, but I believe it'll be hitting BBC4 sometime soon.

Now, I know this is just a coincidence, but I sent the original script of my 'Shush!' into the BBC writers room last year and got a very polite 'not what we're looking for' letter in return.

Shush is an obvious title for a library set sit-com, and so I have little doubt that the similarity ends there, but it will certainly be interesting to watch, if only to find out where my own idea failed.

The feedback here's been great, and obviously the script will now have to be abandoned completely, but when the TV show airs it'll be like getting actual feedback from the professionals, a kind of 'This is how you should have done it' type feedback on the simple idea of a library set sit-com.



Look at that - I found a positive!

Don't be so hasty in throwing things into the waste paper bin Mr Yielding. It's the characters that are important in your piece. The setting should be to do with facilitating the dynamics of their relationships with each other - so a library works, but so would something similar just as well. Put them in a Citizens Advice Bureau for example, that no one uses for probably good reason,or the tourist information centre in a sleepy market town.. or something like that.

Yeah, these thing happen. My Dad and a friend wrote a sitcom called "Good Day At The Office" and sent it to the BBC about 15 years ago. a few years later, the BBC put out "Nice Day at the Office" with Timothy Spall. It was completely different.

More interestingly though, my Dad was told over the phone that his script had been rejected because the office is too dull an environment for a premise and a comedy would never work there. Tell that one to Mr Gervais.

Never throw stuff away. It is always good to be able to see how you develop.

I'm afraid I just found this crude... I actually stopped reading it about half way through. I didn't believe it for a moment. However, there where some stand out lines and the setting is interesting. I don't recall ever seeing any sit-com set in a library... but over all, I think it needs a lot of work.

quote:

I'm afraid I just found this crude... I actually stopped reading it about half way through. I didn't believe it for a moment. However, there where some stand out lines and the setting is interesting. I don't recall ever seeing any sit-com set in a library... but over all, I think it needs a lot of work.

Sorry Groucho, but if you're opposed to crude humour, then you weren't my intended audience on this one.

Fair comment yielding. I've never warmed to toilet humour... by the way 'the name' is great and the 'look' of the characters (as you've described them is interesting and colourful) I think the over all idea has huge potential, the sexually frustrated librarian, the odd ball smalltown, but I wish it where a little more high brow... I find that kind of crass humour a little familiar, in that I feel I've heard the jokes before, in saying that, some of your 'turn of phrase' is brilliantly original, but over all I felt that I couldn't relate to the characters, that I didn't believe them, that they where just lining up gags for one another. There are several ways forward, either you make it more surreal, in which case the gag is foremost and the character matters less, or you head toward greater reality and create more believable characters... but no offence was ment... I've read alot of soft reviews today and though it's great to have positive feedback at times, I don't think it's always helpful... Cheers.