GOVERNOR: And what have you done with our new prisoner - Henry Cecil?
WARDEN: Heh heh. We lined up something special for him. Put him in a cell with Savage McBumgrab.
GOVERNOR: Oh dear god. I wonder how they are getting on...?
(Henry is in his bunk. He cowers beneath his blanket.)
HENRY: I've heard of you, you know.
(Savage does not respond)
HENRY: I mean, who hasn't? They say your sexual appetite is so perverted and vile, that you shagged your own dog. And he'd been dead for five years.
(Savage does not respond)
HENRY: I expect that's why they've put me in here. To be your sexual plaything.
(Savage does not respond)
HENRY: I'm quite rich you know. I mean, before they caught me I put away several thousand. You can have it all, if you'll just leave me alone.
(Savage does not respond)
HENRY: I've got cigarettes as well. I smuggled them in up my anus.
(Savage does not respond)
HENRY: Now that I think about it, I wish I'd taken them out of the packet first.
(Savage does not respond)
HENRY: They're all yours. Just don't... just... please... I've never..
HENRY: Oh god, you're going to aren't you? You're going to come down here and tear off my clothes. You're going to pin me, helpless to the bunk. You're going to force your tongue down my throat like a hungry sparrow. Your fingers will violate my most intimate parts like 10 angry weasels, forcing their way down a mousehole!
(Savage does not respond)
HENRY: Please! I beg of you! Don't shove your angry love cobra into my delicate love-haven! Don't use my weak, defenceless body as your filthy sex playground!
(Savage does not respond)
HENRY: I expect you're going to tie me up. Tie me up so that I'm helpless to resist you.
(Savage does not respond)
HENRY: I actually have rope, you know. It's just there in my duffel bag. I can get it out if you like.
(Savage does not respond)
HENRY: I've also got a used sock and some duct tape. Hint hint.
SAVAGE: Would you please shut up! I'm trying to get some sleep!
HENRY: Well, I'm sorry - but I put myself out for you, and all I ask is for a little bit of attention in return.
SAVAGE: Look, I've got a headache okay? Maybe tomorrow.
HENRY: Well maybe I won't FEEL like it tomorrow! Did you think about that?
SAVAGE: Oh, all right... for Pete's sake...
HENRY: No! Forget it! If you don't WANT to shag me, then I'd rather you didn't.
SAVAGE: Oh just make your mind up would you...
HENRY: I do my very best for you... I do my hair, I pluck my eyebrows, I wax my bottom hair and I get NOTHING in return.
SAVAGE: Oh, right. Like doing all that turns you into Halle Berry...
HENRY: You swine! I just have one question for you. Am I your bee-atch or not?
SAVAGE: Look, the prisoner/bee-atch relationship is special ok? And I hate the way you cheapen it by making it all about sex. We need to spend time together, talking, laughing, getting to know each other before I shove my hairy python up your puffy pink poohole.
HENRY: Oh bloody hell.
SAVAGE: Exactly! Do you even care about me? Do you even know me? What's my favourite film?
HENRY: The Shawshank Redemption?
SAVAGE: (Pause) Lucky guess.
WARDEN: What's going on in here? You two are keeping the other prisoners awake!
SAVAGE: Well, I'm sorry - but this nutcase you put in here won't shut up about sex!
HENRY: You started it! You were the one who asked me if I wanted to slide down your enormous shaft!
SAVAGE: I meant my escape tunnel, you idiot!
WARDEN: Oho! Escape is it! Off to solitary with you!
(Savage is dragged away)
SAVAGE: You squealing little beggar! I'll have you!
HENRY: You'll have me??!! (Sighs) Oh, he really DOES care!
