(Andy Gray (football commentator) is sitting in the match of the day area)

Andy Gray: Hello I am Andy Gray and this is Arsenal Vs. Manchester United and this has been one of the biggest footballing rivalries in Britain for some time now. Clive Tylsdley will be joining me in about two minutes. So the might of Manchester United are playing a somewhat surprising 3:4:3 formation.

(A Blind guy bursts in and you hear the unzipping of a zip and A sound of relief.)

Andy Gray: What the hell do you think you’re doing.

Blind Guy: Isn’t this the men’s room. Where am I. Isn’t this the coach and horses.

Andy Gray: No, this is Wembley stadium.

Blind Guy: So I’m not in Aberdeen.

Andy Gray: No this is central London.

Blind Guy: PISS OFF!!!

Andy Gray: Look, we are broadcasting live on the radio , so if you wouldn’t mind running back on to Aberdeen.

(A faint and distressed “Andy, help” can be heard)

Andy Gray: Clive where are you? What the hell have you done to Clive?

Blind Guy: Oh, get a room and tell Clive to strap on a pair, he’s just been having a nap at the bottom of the stairs, he is fine.

Andy Gray: Why an earth is he at the bottom of the stairs (in a slightly calmer and more relaxed tone of voice). Any way I’ll have to go down and find him myself.

Blind Guy: Before you do that Andy I should probably mention that he might have reason to believe I put him there.

Andy Gray: And why is that?

Blind Guy: Because on some level I pushed him.

Andy Gray: (In a loud, angry voice) And what level would that be then?

Blind Guy: The fourth level, pushed him right down to the second. But hey he can think of himself lucky because if it weren’t for some bizarrely placed stone bricks at the bottom, he would have been right down to the ground floor.

Andy Gray: Why the hell doesn’t he come back up.

Blind Guy: I’m guessing either he’s broken his legs or the doors are locked. Actually scrap that, I broke his legs and locked the door.

(Andy runs off and shouts, “I’m coming Clive. Just hold on”)

Film Man: Cut! (Goes over too Blind Guy) Mate, have you ever done any commentating before? I wouldn’t usually ask someone who’s just pissed in Andy’s coffee but I literally have no-one else. So, have you?

Blind Guy: Yes, I’m a pro in the world of comedy cock-fighting entertainment. I’ll cover this little publicity stunt.

Film Man: Alright we are getting somewhere. Lay it down then.

Blind Guy: Sorry.

Film Man: No give me some material, flow me a beat brother.

Blind Guy: (He starts to beat box)

Film Guy: Just commentate!

Blind Guy: (Very enthusiastically) And its steven Gerrard, still Steven Gerrard. Its out to the wing with Kewell and hes whipped in a ball to Crouch and the nine metre might of a man.

Film Guy: Alright sit down there (He turns his attention to the opposite direction). Oh thank God, Andy’s here. Let Andy do all the talking.

(Andy and Blind Guy sit down at the Match of the day seats and Andy starts to commentate)

Blind Guy: Shut up Andy. Its been 20 minutes and you havent let me get a pissing word in. (You hear rustling and bustling and get the picture that The blind guy is attacking Andy and soon Andy is moaning in pain next to him). I still don’t know whats happening on the pitch but Andy Gray has just farted and it pissing reeks. There’s a huge blob in my field of vision, so I can’t really tell what’s happening.

Andy Gray: Is that Wayne Rooney?

liked it,huge blob lol, maybe you could do a few of these with a differant character interupting each time

Cheers m8, i'll try and do that.

nic. i really like the level line. I didn't understand the blob line

Now, in the spiret of attention seeking, heres my commentaters sketch. Its AFL, so hope it makes inter-oceanic sense.



(two meat-head football commentators)
Gary: Well, there you have it, Graysdale Muskrats are the victors, with ‘DDXE’ comforted to the depressing ‘WRB’ held by the Datham Deskjets, although it was a colossal effort by Datham.
Lug: I’m telling ya, you can’t pick ‘em, if we were weathermen we’d be out of a job because who would think a 2nd to bottom of the leaguers could bite so ferociously into last years champs.
Gary: And with such a margin, I mean the Muskrats we’re no less on form then ever, and obviously being the team they are they held on but...
Lug: But Datham, I mean wow, they must have got some new fans over that one.
Gary: There’s no skidding up and getting around it, that was a right ripper game of football, an old-fashioned knees to the wind.
Lug: Your not wrong Gary, you’re not wrong by half.
Gary: Not wrong by full I would stutter to say. Looking back, it’s the kinda game one reminisces about. Big green oval, I do like a green oval, not like these purple oblongs they tried pushing back in 93 I think it was...
Lug: Good year
Gary: Not for the ovals.
Lug: That’s true, or Matthew Biddy
Both: Devil rest his soul
Gary: But a cracker game.
Lug: Oh yeah, proper pass about.
Gary: Especially Matthew Timetriarcus, some excellent possessions in the 2nd quarter, and it looks like Matthew McDilling is recovering from that rib-replacement nicely.
Lug: Of course no small spice to Matt Saul for filling in so comfortably during his McDillings absence, handy player him, and of course the other Saul brother, Matthew, only his 2nd season and marking like a pro, did you see how he beat Mathew Kirby to the ball?
Gary: I sure did, although I swear it was Mathew Madison-Jane.
Lug: It’s the haircut.
Gary: Oh right
Lug: And the botox, but we haven’t talked about the man of the match yet, I believe a sure fire horse for the Gurgleham Ribbon.
Gary: Oh here we go, your team loyalties coming out.
Lug: No really, Mathew Wilcox, for a start he’s captain, always gives his best. I mean, the boys got a pair of the finest legs in the game.
Gary: Honestly Lug, you love the kid.
Lug: Well, love is not a word I’d be too ready to banter about in a such a macho sport, but he’s got some good soft hands, an excellent tackle and supple lips so, yes, we’re very happy together.
Gary: And the ceremony’s this March?
Lug: 17th (flashes ring) Can’t wait.
End