(Doctors office. The doctor is tidying cluttered desk, looking for something)
Doc: Where did I put that stool sample...?
Nurse (intercom): Next patient sir?
Doc: Ah, yes no worries Mart..Marni..
Nurse: Martha
Doc: Martha, yes, thank you.
(Patient comes through door)
Doc: Yes, come in, Mr (puts glasses on, checks chart takes off) Davies, yes, just pop on the couch there.
Patient: The examining table, doctor?
Doc: That’s the one. Now, you’re preparing for surgery on your hand...
Patient: Heart
Doc: Heart, right. Are you nervous at all?
(goes to read chart)
Patient: Well, to be honest...
Doc: Blast, where are my glasses?
Patient: There’re around your neck.
Doc Oh yes, I see. And oh yes look, I’ve found my stethoscope too. Honestly, I’d forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on.
(panics, checks if he has head. Revived, he puts stethoscope in ears, and checks patients heart)
Doc: So, we’re taking a looksee ...that’s the wrong side... at your ticker, eh?
(The Patient nervous, try's to reassure self)
Patient: Yeah, yeah. It’s just a common, safe procedure I hear
Doc; Oh very common yes. When I worked as a mortician up until, well, last year. Gosh, time flies. Yeah, 75% of all the subjects had had heart surgery, common as muck.
Patient: But...safe, right?
Doc: Well, it is the heart we’re playing with here, it’s a vial organ. But it’s always best to remain optimistic; otherwise you might leave something behind.
Patient: What?
Doc: oh you know, doctors getting jumpy, rush through, leave sponges and gloves behind in the operation, we’ve all done it. I now that look on your face, and don’t worry. Nothing you can do to prevent it, it’s all down to me, so just relax. Shall we go though?
Patient: Through to where?
Doc: Surgery my boy, no time like the present. Now where did I put my glasses?
Patient: On you face
Doc: Oh right well, off we go.
(cut to patient lying down, about to go under, doctor and nurse all ready and preparing)
Doc: Don’t worry about a thing, you safe in my hands...oh, gloves.
(goes to get some)
Nurse: Don’t worry, Doctor Malson has 28 years experience. Not all as a doctor, sure, but time is time.
Patient: I am a little worried about his forgetfulness.
Nurse: Oh don’t be. He knows how much a hassle coroners reports are; he’s right keen to avoid them. Plus, he’s got all sorts of reminders on post-it notes. See? Here’s one, ‘don’t wipe nose while over incistion’.
Patient: But he’s a good heart-surgean, thats his spceilty.
Nurse: In mhis day, you didn’t need to specialise to eb a surgean. Well, in his country anyhow. Actually, you really didn’t need to specialise in medicine, a simple blacksmith licence and a tube of antiseptic, and you were right.
(hear flushing noise, Doctor come back in, doing up fly)
Doc: Right, tinkering time.
Patient (trying best not to panic): So, doc, I hear the heart can sometimes too rapidly bleed out. Is that fairly common...not really...somewhat a concern problem I should contact my next of kin about?
Doc: who knows, the bodies a mysterious place to us all
Patient: well, hopefully not to you
Doc: You’d be surprised
Patient: I don’t want to be surprised. There are no good surprises I surgery. You’re not going to find an Easter egg!
Doc: ok, count back from 10, 9, 8...8
Patient: 7
Doc: 7, thankyou
(falls under)
Doc: ok, scalpel...knife thing please.
(get handed)
Doc: A clean one
Nurse: it’s all we’ve got; it was your turn to do the washing up.
Doc: Oh pick pick pick, you forget the milk, you forget the aesthetic, pick pick pick the stiches to retrieve the glove. Now, what me work
(nurse coughs with a purpose)
Nurse: Remember!
(holds up post-it notes ‘sharp end first!’ and ‘juggling’ with a big line though it)
Doc: You ruin all my fun. Ever since they banned pulling rabbits out of stomachs, this place has got all serious and sterile and clinical. It’s not natural, I’ve seen Patch Adams, and Little Daddy, and I want lives like them.
End