Andy Gray: Hello I am Andy Gray and this is Arsenal Vs. Manchester United and this has been one of the biggest footballing rivalries in Britain for some time now. Clive Tylsdley will be joining me in about two minutes. So the might of Manchester United are playing a somewhat surprising 3:4:3 formation.
(A Blind guy bursts in and you hear the unzipping of a zip and A sound of relief.)
Andy Gray: What the hell do you think you’re doing.
Blind Guy: Isn’t this the men’s room. Where am I. Isn’t this the coach and horses.
Andy Gray: No, this is Wembley stadium.
Blind Guy: So I’m not in Aberdeen.
Andy Gray: No this is central London.
Blind Guy: PISS OFF!!! I may be blind but this is ridiculous.
Andy Gray: Look, we are broadcasting live on the radio , so if you wouldn’t mind running back on to Aberdeen.
(A faint and distressed “Andy, help” can be heard)
Andy Gray: Clive where are you? What the hell have you done to Clive?
Blind Guy: Oh, get a room and tell Clive to strap on a pair, he’s just been having a nap at the bottom of the stairs, he is fine.
Andy Gray: Why an earth is he at the bottom of the stairs (in a slightly calmer and more relaxed tone of voice). Any way I’ll have to go down and find him myself.
Blind Guy: Before you do that Andy I should probably mention that he might have reason to believe I put him there.
Andy Gray: And why is that?
Blind Guy: Because on some level I pushed him.
Andy Gray: (In a loud, angry voice) And what level would that be then?
Blind Guy: The fourth level, pushed him right down to the second. But hey he can think of himself lucky because if it weren’t for some bizarrely placed stone bricks at the bottom, he would have been right down to the ground floor.
Andy Gray: Why the hell doesn’t he come back up.
Blind Guy: I’m guessing either he’s broken his legs or the doors are locked. Actually scrap that, I broke his legs and locked the door.
(Andy runs off and shouts, “I’m coming Clive. Just hold on”)
Film Man: Cut! (Goes over too Blind Guy) Mate, have you ever done any commentating before? I wouldn’t usually ask someone who’s just pissed in Andy’s coffee but I literally have no-one else. So, have you?
Blind Guy: Yes, I’m a pro in the world of comedy cock-fighting entertainment. I’ll cover this little publicity stunt.
(Andy Gray can be heard running back in out of breath)
Andy Gray: Hold on, news just in tells me, we were cut off but we are to go live on air again, so no funny stuff already.
Blind Guy: Don’t worry, no funny stuff.
Andy Gray: Just be quiet!
Blind Guy: Alright, alright.
Andy Gray: Just shut up.
Blind Guy: Jesus, calm down.
Andy Gray: (Frustrated and Angry) Alright, we’re going to play a little game.
Blind Guy: (Speaks quietly to himself) Please don’t be I spy, please don’t be I spy.
Andy Gray: Its not Ispy.
Blind Guy: Blinds man buff?
Andy Gray: No! It’s called you shut up and I’ll talk. Oh God we’re live in 3, 2, 1, Hello Ladi----
Blind Guy: And the players are just coming out for a quick warm-up.
Andy Gray: Shut up, the game started 5 minutes ago. You know what give me your microphone.
Blind Guy: No.
(Tumbling, rustles and hustles)
Andy Gray: Open your pocket. What’s that? MACE?
Blind Guy: Don’t make me spray this in your face.
(Mace spraying sounds. Andy Gray screams)
Andy Gray: I cant see anything, you have no idea what this is like.
Found this a bit all over the place tbh. Not sure if you're going for surreal or slapstick or what. Also, I assume TV and not radio! (It helps to know from the off)
