MELVYN: Now then. Welcome to the Yorkshire Arts Review - a weekly discussion forum on the world of t' contemporary arts. I am joined by regular contributors Geoffrey Halifax -
GEOFFREY: Ey up.
MELVYN: Fred Whitby -
FRED: Sithee lad.
MELVYN: - and James Grimsby.
JAMES: Hello.
MELVYN: We've just seen a clip from Mel Gibson's latest fil-um, "Apocalypto" - an epic tale set at t' demise of the Mayan civilization. Gentlemen - what did you think?
GEOFFREY: Eeeeeee - it were a load a' rubbish. There were NO cricket in it! Not ONE scene!
FRED: Appen 'e's not wrong tha knows.
JAMES: (In a broad Scottish accent). I have to disagree there. I found it to be a stimulating piece with startling parallels drawn between Mayan culture on the edge of extinction and the post 9-11 US environment.
THE OTHER THREE LOOK AT JAMES SUSPICIOUSLY
JAMES: Errrr... 'appen.
THE OTHER THREE RELAX
FRED: Aye, aye...
GEOFFREY: 'Es not wrong tha knows...
FRED: BLUDDY startlin' parallels...
GEOFFREY: Aye 'es not so much green as cabbage-like, our James.
MELVYN: And was your opinion of the film affected in any way by Mel Gibson's startling anti-semitic outburst last year?
FRED: Nay lad. Now if 'e'd made anti-Rotheram comments - well that'd be anuther kettle o' fish.
JAMES: (Very Scottish) Och, I concur. Art must be judged on it's own merits. Otherwise we would have to burn the poetry of Ezra Pound and Philip Larkin.
AGAIN, THE THREE STARE AT JAMES
MELVYN: What part o' Yorkshire did thee say tha was from, our James?
JAMES: Um... Brad-by-thwaite-ling-ton... borough.
GEOFFREY: Never 'eard of it!
JAMES: It's just a little place. Barely a village really. It's near Sheffield... Wednesday.
MELVYN: ...Right then... Let me just ask you this... What do you think of - THE ARCTIC MONKEYS???
MELVYN TURNS AND POINTS DRAMATICALLY AT JAMES
JAMES: (Panicky) Errr... Barry! I mean "braw"! No, I mean - "Eeee they are dead dead good".
MELVYN RELAXES
MELVYN: Well.... all right then... How about... THE KAISER CHIEFS???
JAMES: Aye! Aye! They're dead good an' all!
MELVYN: Very well... But what does tha think of.... BIG COUNTRY???
JAMES: (Very Scottish accent) Och Big Country were BRRRRILLIANT by the way! Four hundred miles! On fields of FIIIIIIRE!!
JAMES FREEZES IN HORROR
MELVYN: Ah-ha! Thou has fallen into me very clever trap! Tha's not a TYKE at all!
GEOFFREY: An imposter!
FRED: Eeeee! I'll bet 'es one of them Lancastrians!
MELVYN: What shall we do with this INTERLOPER??
GEOFFREY: We shall make 'im an EXTRA on Last of the Summer Wine!
JAMES: No! No! Anything but that!
FRED: Aye lad! The next time we see thee - ye shall be careerin' down t' High Street in a tin bath filled with dung.
JAMES: Nooooooo!
JAMES IS DRAGGED AWAY
PROGRAMME DIRECTOR: And that's the end of the show! Well done!
MELVYN: (Perfect Queen's English accent) Well, I thought that was jolly well done you fellows!
