SCENE - A LIBRARY.

ETHEL -
My, you're looking well upholstered today, dear!

LIBRARIAN -
How do you mean?

ETHEL -
Your dumplings seem to have risen!

LIB -
(GIGGLES) Oh, that's my new push-up bra!

ETHEL -
Oh. Trying to lure that man from the book group?

LIB -
Him? No! I'm just trying to present a new image. I've been to assertiveness training, and I'm learning to stand up for myself.

SHE STAMPS A BOOK QUITE FEROCIOUSLY AND ETHEL STEPS BACK IN SURPRISE.

ETHEL -
Better not get on the wrong side of you, then.

LIB -
I'm just trying to feel good about myself, and not let people take me for granted.

ETHEL -
Pooo - ooh. There's a bit of a fishy smell in here today.

LIB -
Oh, I've got a plate of wet kippers under the counter.

ETHEL -
Oh, didn't have time for breakfast?

LIB -
No, they're for slapping people round the face with. My assertiveness trainer told me I'm too passive. I've got to slap people about with wet kippers!

ETHEL -
Oh. Well, you're the librarian, dear, but don't you think he might have meant metaphoricly?

LIB -
Oh, I didn't think of that!

ETHEL -
Well if he wasn't being metaphorical, wouldn't you think you'd be better off fish-slapping with a nice hefty haddock?

LIB -
I didn't want to do too much damage. It's just the principle of not letting people walk all over you.

ETHEL -
You could split the difference and use a mackerel.

LIB -
Oh, I'm not sure now.

ETHEL -
There's three cats at the door. Shall I let them in?

LIB -
You can't let cats in the library!

ETHEL -
I 'spect they can smell the fish. Shall I take them away for you?

LIB -
Yes please..... but I don't feel very assertive any more.

ETHEL -
You've still got your push-up bra. Stand up straight and knock 'em dead!

THE LIBRARIAN STANDS UP STRAIGHT.

LIB -
Yes, you're right. Look out world!

ETHEL PUTS THE PLATE OF KIPPERS IN HER BAG AND GRINS SLYLY.

ETHEL -
Kippers for tea. I might invite Arthur round.

I like that Shirl ... I like all your library ones ... Fx

Thanks Frankie - glad you like 'em!

Hi Library lady, another great little sketch.
What are you going to do with them all?

Oh and by the way
IT'SNEARLYCHRISTMAS....

Thanks Mousevale - and good question - what can I do with them?
Oh, by the way,
BAH HUMBUG!

You could alway write a library book....
then you could put your book on library's in the library, then it would be a library book about library's in the library.
or maybe not.....

nice writing, flowed well, congratz

Sorry Shirl, felt I had to repay you in kind...
PENGUIN IN THE LIBRARY

A PENGUIN WALKS INTO THE LIBRARY, AFTER LOOKING AROUND FOR A WHILE, HE WALKS UP TO THE LIBRARIAN.

LIBRARIAN
Oh hello we don't get many of your kind in here.

PENGUIN
What agnostics?

LIBRARIAN
No penguins silly.

PENGUIN
I'm not surprised, your books on flat fish are very limited.

LIBRARIAN
I'm sorry, the sea lion took them all last week.

PENGUIN
That's just typical of him, spends all day clapping himself he's so up his own bum that one. mind you the polar bears no better.

LIBRARIAN
He's very good at the moment he's only got one book out, skiiing in Austria, with the global warming he's got to find somewhere with snow.

PENGUIN
Tell me about it. The ice has melted so far back I have to walk over a hundred miles just to breed.

LIBRARIAN
It's a bit like that for me too.

PENGUIN
Because of global warming?

LIBRARIAN
(SAD)No I have to catch the number 47 bus, then the number 22 to get to my speed dating evening, then all I get is my bus ticket stamped.

PENGUIN
Have you ever thought of dating a penguin?

LIBRARIAN
It does sound like a good idea, it would save you a walk and save my bus fare.

PENGUIN
Saturday night are you free?

LIBRARIAN
(HOPEFULLY) Yes (SADLY)I'm always free.

PENGUIN
Ok I'll take you out for a fish supper at the penguin bar.

LIBRARIAN
Ooh how exciting, how should I dress?

PENGUIN
It's very exclusive. So like a nun or you wont get in.....

END...
Sorry again....(NOT)....

Brilliant! (Damn you!) Love it that you've got my librarian in character.
If ever we get stuck on a sketch, we should send them to each other.