SCENE: INSIDE AN ELECTRICAL REPAIR SHOP. A SHOPKEEPER IS BEHIND THE COUNTER LOOKING THROUGH A MAGAZINE, WHEN A MAN WALKS IN THROUGH THE DOOR CARRYING A DVD PLAYER.
CUSTOMER: Hello. I have a DVD player here. Do you repair DVD players?
SHOPKEEPER: Well, I will certainly take a look at it for you.
THE CUSTOMER PLACES THE DVD PLAYER DOWN ON THE COUNTER.
CUSTOMER: That's excellent. Well basically, I've had it for a couple of years but recently it’s started malfunctioning.
THE SHOPKEEPER PLUGS THE DVD PLAYER IN AND SWITCHES IT ON.
SHOPKEEPER: It's a good model this one. No, we don't normally see many of these.
CUSTOMER: Yes it was £300 new, so obviously I don't want to just get rid of it.
SHOPKEEPER SLIDES A PAD ACROSS THE TABLE AND PICKS UP A PEN.
SHOPKEEPER: Okay then, if I can just take some details. What seems to be wrong with it?
CUSTOMER: Well it works fine for about 20 minutes, then I think it starts to overheat and give off some sort of noxious vapour.
SHOPKEEPER: Oh dear that doesn't sound right.
CUSTOMER: Yes, well it worried me a bit, but you probably see this sort of thing all the time.
SHOPKEEPER: Well, I haven't really heard of this one before. What sort of colour is this vapour?
THE SHOPKEEPER PICKS UP THE DVD PLAYER AND STARTS TO LOOK CLOSELY AT IT AND
CUSTOMER: Oh it's clear you can't see it.
SHOPKEEPER: Right, but it has a smell, yes? What does it smell like?
CUSTOMER: It doesn't really smell of anything.
SHOPKEEPER: So it's fine for about 20 minutes then it starts to get hot and it gives off an invisible odourless vapour.
CUSTOMER: Well it's not really hot to touch, but I'm sure it's giving off a vapour because about 20 minutes into a film, say for example Dirty Dancing, round about the scene where Patrick Swayze first takes his shirt off, I start to feel a bit short of breath, my heart starts to race, and the strangest thing of all, I start to experience a tightness.
SHOPKEEPER: (Concerned) Tightness! What in your chest?
CUSTOMER: No, no, in my trousers.
AS HE SAYS TROUSERS THE FRONT DRAWER OF THE DVD PLAYER POPS OPEN MAKING THE SHOPKEEPER PUT HIS HEAD BACK TO AVOID IT.
CUSTOMER: You’ve properly heard this a million times before.
SHOPKEEPER: No, it's a new one on me. Does this happen with all DVDs or just Dirty Dancing?
CUSTOMER: Well now you come to mention it, it does happen with most DVDs of mine, obviously Dirty Dancing, Ghost, Next of kin…
SHOPKEEPER: They’re all Patrick Swayze films aren't they.
CUSTOMER: Yes, yes I suppose they are. Do you think it's something to do with the wiring?
SHOPKEEPER: Have you ever seen the film Charlie's Angels?
CUSTOMER: Not really my cup of tea.
SHOPKEEPER: Or Tomb Raider.
CUSTOMER: I don't think I've heard of that one.
SHOPKEEPER: How about Point Break.
CUSTOMER: (Laughing) Well yeah! Who hasn’t see Point Break?
SHOPKEEPER: Are you married at all sir?
CUSTOMER: No, but… look I don’t see what this has to do with my DVD player breaking down.
SHOPKEEPER: Look it’s none of my business but I think that you might be infatuated with Patrick Swayze.
CUSTOMER: I, I can't believe this. Look I didn't come in here to be accused of being a homosexual. Any feelings I have for Patrick Swayze are simply feelings of respect for a man who is good at his job and has looked after his body. Just because I show symptoms of arousal when watching his films doesn't mean I fancy him, or love him, or that I would give anything to be held in his big strong arm as he caresses me and makes me feel more complete than I’ve ever felt in my life. (He starts to cry) It’s that damn machine and its fumes. I wish I’d never bought the thing.
SHOPKEEPER: Look I’m sorry, I think you're right. Yes, I think I can feel some fumes coming out of it now. I'm even starting to feel some wood myself. I'll take a look at it. Just leave it with me and I'll give you a call when it's ready.
CUSTOMER: Thank you, you're very kind.
SHOPKEEPER: It probably just needs a clean or something. But just in case it isn’t the machine, here, a rep left some leaflets with me once. I never thought they would be of any use, but you may as well have one. It may help.
THE SHOPKEEPER PASSES THE CUSTOMER A LEAFLET ENTITLED “DON’T LET, MASKING YOUR LOVE FOR PATRICK SWAYZE BY BLAMING YOUR FEELINGS ON ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES, RUIN YOUR LIFE”. AS CUSTOMER RUNS SOBBING FROM THE SHOP, THE SHOPKEEPER STARTS TO SHAKE HIS HEAD AND UNSCREW THE DVD PLAYER.
Loved the premise behind this one but if I can offer a bit of constructive advice:
It needs to be trimmed at the beginning and end. Perhaps hand the leaflet over when the guy is in the middle of his 'i am not a homosexual' speech and then end it there.
The DVD tray popping out is an excellent touch though.
Nice work. Held my attention most of the way. My preference would have been to see the sketch punchier, a bit more madcap and a description of the customer - perhaps give him a thick northern accent, milk bottom glasses, greasy hair...Alan Bennet basically.
Thanks for all the good advice everyone, and thanks for taking the time to feedback. Your comments are all very helpful. It’s as exciting as it is scary to have so many people reading your work.
