THE COURT CLERK STANDS AND MOTIONS THE COURT TO STAND.
All rise ladies and gentlemen. The judge is in court.
Quiet please the court is now in session.
THE JUDGE SITS DOWN AND GESTURES TO THE PROSECUTION TO START ITS CASE.
PROSECUTION: My lord. I call upon P.C. Green to take the stand.
P.C.GREEN: Where to sir?
PROSECUTION: No constable can you please come to the stand and swear the oath.
P.C.GREEN: Oh sorry sir.
P.C. GREEN WALKS TO THE STAND AND THE COURT CLERK PASSES HIM A BIBLE.
CLERK: Repeat after me.
THE CLERK READS THE OATH AND THE CONSTABLE REPEATS IT BACK.
PROSECUTION: Now P.C. Green can you please confirm when it was that you first came into contact with the defendant?
P.C.GREEN: I have met the man before sir and I have no intention of ever meeting him again.
PROSECUTION: No constable I meant to say at what stage on Friday 4 March did you first see this man?
P.C.GREEN: Oh sorry. Well sir I was walking in a westerly direction down the high street when I noticed the defendant acting in a strange manner.
PROSECUTION: And how would you describe this manner constable?
P.C.GREEN: I can honestly say sir it was a manner I have not come across in all my 30 years on the beat sir.
PROSECUTION: Really constable! Could you at least describe the circumstances that drew your attention to the said defendant?
P.C.GREEN: It was a hard stone hitting my helmet sir. I was walking in my normal way and I notice a crowed of people gathered around in a group. There was shouting and gesticulation everywhere. I’m telling you I’ve never come across so much gesticulation in all my life before.
PROSECUTION: Did you feel in some way scared of such a scene?
P.C.GREEN: No sir I have been married for some 29 years sir and I can tell you being married prepares you for a modicum of gesticulation.
PROSECUTION: Well what did you do upon seeing this disturbance constable?
P.C.GREEN: I walked towards the gathering crowed and managed to force my way to the front sir.
PROSECUTION: How many people were in the crowed constable?
P.C.GREEN: Two people.
PROSECUTION: Only two people constable surely this was too much for you? Did you not call for assistance?
P.C.GREEN: I must admit sir upon coming into contact with such a crowed I did ponder about my safety but I pressed on sir, I pressed on.
PROSECUTION: Were they towering over you constable, these two brutes?
P.C.GREEN: No sir they where from the local deaf midget society, but they were broad.
PROSECUTION: Surely their shouts must have made you aware of the impending danger you found yourself in?
P.C.GREEN: I must admit the noise was deafening but only for me sir, only for me.
PROSECUTION: So constable, what prey tell happened next?
P.C.GREEN: I pushed the two gentlemen out of the way and came across a scene so abhorrent that I cannot at times bring myself to speak of it sir.
PROSECUTION: May I ask you to be brave P.C. Green and be brave enough to let this court hear of such circumstances to make one of her majesty’s officers of the law shake in his size 13 boots?
P.C.GREEN: 12 and a half sir!
PROSECUTION: Sorry, 12 and a half boots.
P.C.GREEN: May I refer to my notes your Honour [looking at the judge]?
JUDGE: Yes you may P.C. Green. Would you like some water constable you look a little ashen?
P.C.GREEN: I will be fine your Honour.
PROSECUTION: So P.C. Green can you please continue with your recollections.
P.C.GREEN: I pushed my way to the front of the crowed sir and I came upon the defendant who was in the process of placing his hands about another gentleman’s personage.
PROSECUTION: Was this in full view of the other people in the street constable?
P.C.GREEN: Unfortunately sir it was. He was mumbling something about gods work and then laid is so called god like mitts on Mr Jacobson’s uncovered legs.
PROSECUTION: Good god ladies and gentlemen. Is it not enough that society has managed to be brought down to the level it is without such blatant molestation in the public street? And what happened next constable Green?
P.C.GREEN: I grabbed the man by the scruff of his neck and pulled him up to me and away from his victim.
PROSECUTION: Was the victim traumatised in anyway by this blatant assault on his personage?
P.C.GREEN: Well sir the gentleman was in deep stress, almost comatose sir. He was on the floor with part of his clothing removed and his eyes were rolling in his head.
PROSECUTION: Good God man is there nothing these perverts will not do on the public highways?
P.C.GREEN: No, sorry sir I had accidentally kicked the victim in the head in my haste to stop such a gross obscene act.
PROSECUTION: Oh I see constable but correct me if I am not wrong but the victim was only there due to the defendants actions is that not true?
P.C.GREEN: Yes sir.
PROSECUTION: So not only is he the victim of such a dirty act but he was forced to suffer an accidental kick to the head?
P.C.GREEN: You are correct.
PROSECUTION: Carry on constable, what happened next?
P.C.GREEN: I asked the defendant to explain himself and his only response was a very sinister reply. It shook me to my bones sir I don’t mind telling you.
PROSECUTION: What did the beast say?
P.C.GREEN: He said that he was a peaceful man and that he was only doing Gods work.
PROSECUTION: The beast. Surely ladies and gentlemen we cannot allow such bedevilment in our society? The man is a threat to our society I tell you.
P.C.GREEN: Well sir I was taken a back but managed to collect myself and continue. I asked him what he meant by such a beastly thing and he repeated himself twice over.
PROSECUTION: Ladies and gentlemen he said it not once but twice. Can you believe such disrespect for the law? And what then officer Green?
P.C.GREEN: Why I arrested the man for the misuse of his hands upon another man sir.
PROSECUTION: And what of the victim in this terrible crime? What has become of him?
P.C.GREEN: The doctor at the hospital confirmed that he would never walk again my lord.
PROSECUTION: Never walk again ladies and gentlemen is there to be no end to this poor mans plight? May I refer you my Lord to exhibit 2, the hospital records of Mr Jacobson.
THE JUDGE READS THROUGH THE REPORT, HE THEN LOOKS TO THE COUNCELLOR WITH A PUZZELED LOOK ON HIS FACE.
JUDGE: It says in this report that Mr Jacobson has had no use off his legs since early adulthood. How old is he now?
PROSECUTION: He’s 45 my Lord.
JUDGE: Oh that’s fine carry on.
PROSECUTION: As you will see ladies and gentlemen of the jury the shameful act metered out to Mr Jacobson has for want of a better word has damned him to a life of despair. Constable Green, can you please confirm if the defendant said anything more in his defence at the scene of such barbarity?
P.C.GREEN: The only other words he said sir were “I mean no harm and I am only doing Gods work.” I took this to be an acceptance of his crime sir.
PROSECUTION: I would like to call upon the defendant to take the stand.
CLERK: Calling Jesus Christ.
JUDGE LOOKS UNHAPPY
JUDGE: I will not tolerate blasphemy in my court god damn you.
