GENESIS 1.
I’m bored.
1. IN THE BEGINNING GOD CREATED THE HEAVEN AND THE EARTH.
Well that passed a couple of minutes. What now?
2 AND THE EARTH WAS WITHOUT FORM, AND VOID; AND DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE DEEP. AND THE SPIRIT OF GOD MOVED UPON THE FACE OF THE WATERS.
Hey! I can see my reflection in that!
It’s a bit dark though.
3 AND GOD SAID, LET THERE BE LIGHT: AND THERE WAS LIGHT.
Whoa! Did you see that?! I said light and there was light!
Man, that’s good! I mean really good!
4 AND GOD SAW THE LIGHT, THAT IT WAS GOOD: AND GOD DIVIDED THE LIGHT FROM THE DARKNESS.
Let there be light! Let there be darkness!
Let there be light! Let there be darkness!
Wow! It’s like, whatever I say – happens!
Let there be light… Boom! Let there be darkness… Uggy-buggy-buggy!
Man, that’s something else!
I’m not keen on that darkness though, I’d best put it over there.
5 AND GOD CALLED THE LIGHT DAY, AND THE DARKNESS HE CALLED NIGHT. AND THE EVENING AND THE MORNING WERE THE FIRST DAY.
Okay, so I’m going to call you day because light makes you sound a lot thinner than you actually are. And I’m going to call you night because… well because you just look like a night, okay?
Now go back to your corners and come out fighting.
Ha, just kidding – stay where you are.
6 AND GOD SAID, LET THERE BE A FIRMAMENT IN THE MIDST OF THE WATERS, AND LET IT DIVIDE THE WATERS FROM THE WATERS.
Okay, let there be firinaminant… firnimanni… furry manly mints? Oh bugger it, just lob us a bit of sky in there would you?
7 AND GOD MADE THE FIRMAMENT, AND DIVIDED THE WATERS WHICH WERE UNDER THE FIRMAMENT FROM THE WATERS WHICH WERE ABOVE THE FIRMAMENT: AND IT WAS SO.
Hey! What are you doing down there?! You’re supposed to be up here with the rest of the water!
Oh stuff it, I’m not messing about now – you can stay where you are.
8 AND GOD CALLED THE FIRMAMENT HEAVEN. AND THE EVENING AND THE MORNING WERE THE SECOND DAY.
I’m going to call you Heaven after my auntie Heaven, because she’s a bit…Hey! Day and night! Keep it down over there will you?!
9 AND GOD SAID, LET THE WATERS UNDER THE HEAVEN BE GATHERED TOGETHER UNTO ONE PLACE, AND LET THE DRY LAND APPEAR: AND IT WAS SO.
Chuck us a couple of big rocks in that water would you. No, bigger than that. Bigger. Bigger…
…too big.
10 AND GOD CALLED THE DRY LAND EARTH; AND THE GATHERING TOGETHER OF THE WATERS CALLED HE SEAS: AND GOD SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD.
Okay you be earth and you be the sea, okay?
Because I said so.
No, you can’t be called Trevor, you’re the sea, rhymes with pee, now deal with it.
11 AND GOD SAID, LET THE EARTH BRING FORTH GRASS, THE HERB YIELDING SEED, AND THE FRUIT TREE YIELDING FRUIT AFTER HIS KIND, WHOSE SEED IS IN ITSELF, UPON THE EARTH: AND IT WAS SO.
I could do with a smoke, and maybe a bite to eat…. Erm… er…
Okay, I’ll take a couple of tons of grass and an orchard of apples to eat in please.
12 AND THE EARTH BROUGHT FORTH GRASS, AND HERB YIELDING SEED AFTER HIS KIND, AND THE TREE YIELDING FRUIT, WHOSE SEED WAS IN ITSELF, AFTER HIS KIND: AND GOD SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD.
Oh man this stuffs really strong!
Hey! I could have sworn I’d already made you!
Glad about these apples though, I’m starving.
I think I’ll call this the munchies.
13 AND THE EVENING AND THE MORNING WERE THE THIRD DAY.
Day! Night! I’ll not tell you guys again! Cut it out!
14 AND GOD SAID, LET THERE BE LIGHTS IN THE FIRMAMENT OF THE HEAVEN TO DIVIDE THE DAY FROM THE NIGHT; AND LET THEM BE FOR SIGNS, AND FOR SEASONS, AND FOR DAYS, AND YEARS:
Listen, if I give YOU these stars, and I give YOU this thermostat – will you stop arguing for five bloody minutes!
It’s Sixty seconds.
Well of course you haven’t heard of seconds! - I haven’t made a clock yet! I was speaking figuratively.
Figuratively? It means… well it’s not important what it means! Just keep it down, okay?
15 AND LET THEM BE FOR LIGHTS IN THE FIRMAMENT OF THE HEAVEN TO GIVE LIGHT UPON THE EARTH: AND IT WAS SO.
Don’t shine them at me!! Point them down there!
16 AND GOD MADE TWO GREAT LIGHTS; THE GREATER LIGHT TO RULE THE DAY, AND THE LESSER LIGHT TO RULE THE NIGHT: HE MADE THE STARS ALSO.
Okay, as well as all that, I'm going to give YOU a sun, and YOU a moon, alright?
I know his is brighter than yours! That’s because he’s the day!
No, you can’t have a pink one!
17 AND GOD SET THEM IN THE FIRMAMENT OF THE HEAVEN TO GIVE LIGHT UPON THE EARTH,
Just take them!!!
18 AND TO RULE OVER THE DAY AND OVER THE NIGHT, AND TO DIVIDE THE LIGHT FROM THE DARKNESS: AND GOD SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD.
There - doesn’t that look pretty?
19 AND THE EVENING AND THE MORNING WERE THE FOURTH DAY.
Can I get back to work now?
20 AND GOD SAID, LET THE WATERS BRING FORTH ABUNDANTLY THE MOVING CREATURE THAT HATH LIFE, AND FOWL THAT MAY FLY ABOVE THE EARTH IN THE OPEN FIRMAMENT OF HEAVEN.
Stick a couple of fish in there would you. No, more than that. More. More…
…too many.
No don’t kill ‘em! Stick wings on them so they can swim up there where there’s room.
21 AND GOD CREATED GREAT WHALES, AND EVERY LIVING CREATURE THAT MOVETH, WHICH THE WATERS BROUGHT FORTH ABUNDANTLY, AFTER THEIR KIND, AND EVERY WINGED FOWL AFTER HIS KIND: AND GOD SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD.
Ooh that’s a big one, I like that. And I like those too.
22 AND GOD BLESSED THEM, SAYING, BE FRUITFUL, AND MULTIPLY, AND FILL THE WATERS IN THE SEAS, AND LET FOWL MULTIPLY IN THE EARTH.
Here’s a penis – knock yourself out.
23 AND THE EVENING AND THE MORNING WERE THE FIFTH DAY.
Are you two at it again?!
24 AND GOD SAID, LET THE EARTH BRING FORTH THE LIVING CREATURE AFTER HIS KIND, CATTLE, AND CREEPING THING, AND BEAST OF THE EARTH AFTER HIS KIND: AND IT WAS SO.
Stick a couple of cows in that orchard will you, I need the fertilizer.
And I’ll take a few of those whatsits with all the legs.
25 AND GOD MADE THE BEAST OF THE EARTH AFTER HIS KIND, AND CATTLE AFTER THEIR KIND, AND EVERY THING THAT CREEPETH UPON THE EARTH AFTER HIS KIND: AND GOD SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD.
Well, there’s a lot more there than I ordered. Kind of hard to keep track…
I’d better put them into categories.
Okay, pay attention! Crawly things over here. Slithery things over here. Walky things over there and flappy things up there.
Good.
26 AND GOD SAID, LET US MAKE MAN IN OUR IMAGE, AFTER OUR LIKENESS: AND LET THEM HAVE DOMINION OVER THE FISH OF THE SEA, AND OVER THE FOWL OF THE AIR, AND OVER THE CATTLE, AND OVER ALL THE EARTH, AND OVER EVERY CREEPING THING THAT CREEPETH UPON THE EARTH.
Okay, I need to put someone in charge of those fish, bloody things are humping like there’s no tomorrow.
You’d better make him look like me, don’t want anybody else getting the credit.
And while you’re at it, let him have those things with all the legs – bloody things give me the heeby-jeebies!
27 SO GOD CREATED MAN IN HIS OWN IMAGE, IN THE IMAGE OF GOD CREATED HE HIM; MALE AND FEMALE CREATED HE THEM.
Hey! I’ve got a bigger penis than that!
No! I said bigger – not smaller!
No, no – oh look, it’s gone altogether now. It looks like a… hang on. We’ll keep that one and call it woman.
Now stick a bloke down there to keep her company, and this time – let’s not be shy with the winky.
28 AND GOD BLESSED THEM, AND GOD SAID UNTO THEM, BE FRUITFUL, AND MULTIPLY, AND REPLENISH THE EARTH, AND SUBDUE IT: AND HAVE DOMINION OVER THE FISH OF THE SEA, AND OVER THE FOWL OF THE AIR, AND OVER EVERY LIVING THING THAT MOVETH UPON THE EARTH.
There you go, that’s a penis, now put it where you’re supposed to.
Hey! That’s not where you put it! Hey! Hey stop it!
Stop waving that thing around, you’ll have somebody’s eye out!
Whoa! Put that fish down, there’s a perfectly good woman over there. No. No… not the chicken, the woman, put it in the…
...oh dear.
29 AND GOD SAID, BEHOLD, I HAVE GIVEN YOU EVERY HERB BEARING SEED, WHICH IS UPON THE FACE OF ALL THE EARTH, AND EVERY TREE, IN THE WHICH IS THE FRUIT OF A TREE YIELDING SEED; TO YOU IT SHALL BE FOR MEAT.
Look, here – smoke a bit of this, that’ll calm you down.
See, that’s better isn’t it?
Yes it does doesn’t it. I call that the munchies.
Here – have a banana.
30 AND TO EVERY BEAST OF THE EARTH, AND TO EVERY FOWL OF THE AIR, AND TO EVERY THING THAT CREEPETH UPON THE EARTH, WHEREIN THERE IS LIFE, I HAVE GIVEN EVERY GREEN HERB FOR MEAT: AND IT WAS SO.
Pass that joint around will you, let those furry things have a taste.
31 AND GOD SAW EVERY THING THAT HE HAD MADE, AND, BEHOLD, IT WAS VERY GOOD. AND THE EVENING AND THE MORNING WERE THE SIXTH DAY.
You see all that? I did that! That really is the most fantastic… Hey!
Hey!!
You guys better quit it!
I don’t care who gets midnight! Just cut it out!
No I will not give you an extra hour – twenty three is more than enough!
Well cut it in half then!
Right! That’s it – I’m going to bed!
......................
This is my signature, there are many like it but this one is mine.
