WINSTON CHURCHILL STANDS BEFORE AN EXPECTANT CROWD OUTSIDE NO.10 DOWNING STREET, SEPTEMBER 1939.
CHURCHILL: Gentleman desist in your chatter of fevered speculation and allow me to shed light upon this latest and most drastic situation. I, your prime minister have been overcome by constant harassment. My mother, whom you all know to be fat, requires a suitor in order to attain coital bliss. We the brave in this moment of quiet contemplation must decide whom amongst us will volunteer to perform cunnilingus on my bloated matriarch. Be it known that you will be in such a situation as would be akin to having one’s head trapped down the side of an oily leather settee for ten long fortnights.
DR CUMBERLING: Mr Churchill I do declare this constant highly inappropriate line of questioning to be most disturbing and completely irrelevant to the pending matter of war. Germany has invaded Poland sir!
CHURCHILL: The matter in hand Dr Cumberling is most pressing for without the constant pressure of one’s rotund mother’s cravings of the flesh I will be able to dedicate more time to thoughts of military preparation. I need a volunteer to breach the heavily forested borders of my female progenitor’s love valley.
RANDOM SPECTATOR: I’d rather be run through by a Hun!
CHURCHILL: Indeed so would Lady Randolph Churchill if that were her only choice but her lust for German groin-based meat produce cannot abate her fondness for the stout English truncheon gentlemen!
PLUCKY YOUNG SCAMP: Please, Mr Churchill sir!
CHURCHILL: Yaaaaaas young sir, I do not know of your name but hopefully you are shortsighted and of desperate copulatory need.
PLUCKY YOUNG SCAMP: Indeed I am sir. I know of this matter and have contemplated it for many a week. Your mother may indeed be portly and dare I say greasily antiquated in appearance but if it aids the war effort then I will put myself in the firing line of her ancient euphoric love geyser.
CHURCHILL: (wipes a tear from his eye) Gentlemen do you hear this from one so young…and my god so, so desperate? My boy if you are not mentally defective, above the age of consent and can maintain a starch laden board like stiffness when faced with a mountainous and most oily specimen of woman kind then I do whole heartedly accept your valiant offer on behalf of myself, my fat mother and…England !
MASS HURRAHS, WHOOPS, TICKER TAPE AND TEARS. CHURCHILL DOES A VICTORY SALUTE THEN POKES HIS TONGUE THROUGH, WINKING AT THE PLUCKY YOUNG SCAMP.
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