Woman 1: Sometimes after a meal, I feel a bit bloated.
Woman 2 (nodding): Yeah, there’s a kind of heaviness that sets in after meals occasionally.
Woman 1: It’s not a nice feeling. It’s kind of (winces) icky.
Woman 3: I don’t like it either!
Woman 2: No!
Cut to very slo-mo shot of spoon dipping into a pot of yoghurt and emerging, the yoghurt sliding back into the pot.
Male Voiceover: Women – Do you feel bloated after meals? It means you’re FAT! That “icky” feeling where your stomach is bigger? That means you’re FAT! Do you understand? You’re a FAT PIG! You are FAT! FAT FAT FAT! Wolfing down a tub of Activ Yoghurt is not the answer, you FAT COW! Putting things in your flabby gob is what caused the problem and the Bivicus Digestivum Immunitas shite found in every pot of Activ is NOT THE ANSWER. Just get off your arse, FATTY, and go for a run in whatever items of clothing still fit you. It might not be very ladylike to jiggle around the park like the Michelin Man on speed, sweat pumping from every pore, but neither is your lorry-driver’s paunch. And now the science bit:
Cut to a shot of a map of the Western European coastline, with Europe covered in Nazi symbols and ships in the Channel. Arrows coming from the ships arrive in Normandy and push the Nazi symbols back.
Male Voiceover: Activ Yoghurt, with its special blend of good bacteria, is scientifically proven to lower cholesterol when eaten as part of a healthy, balanced diet, combined with regular exercise. Do you know what else is scientifically proven to lower cholesterol? A single cigarette, smoked daily, combined with a healthy, balanced diet and regular exercise. So why not give the cigarette a go? And if you don’t like cigarettes, why not try some beer combined with a healthy, balanced diet and regular exercise? Or half a tomato, stuffed with chocolate spread combined with a healthy, balanced diet and regular exercise? You’re onto a winner with an apple and a kangaroo’s penis sticking out the top combined with a healthy, balanced diet and regular exercise. Or a plum covered in the reproductive juices of an African snail combined with a healthy, balanced diet and regular exercise? Tasty! What about a floret of cauliflower, doused in honey and exposed to sunlight for five minutes…(FADE OUT)
