Hi, everyone, I'm Ian and I've just joined hope to have a few laughs.
This one's quite long like all my stuff but I think it needs the space.
Hope you can relate to it, I was gonna call it "mind the Gap" but that might lead to litigation so I... oh.

SCENE 1. INT. TRENDY CLOTHES SHOP – DAY
A MAN IS BROWSING THROUGH THE JEANS WHEN AN ASSISTANT (WITH AN AMERICAN ACCENT) APPEARS FROM NOWHERE. HIS NAME BADGE READS “BRIAN”

ASSISTANT:
Hey there, can I help at all?

MAN:
Err, yeah. I’m just looking for a -

ASSISTANT: (INTERRUPTS)
Well alrighty, what’s your size? No, let me guess you’re a thirty six waist, right?

MAN:
You’re good

ASSISTANT:
We’re here to help, what style were you looking for?

MAN:
I don’t know, you tell me

ASSISTANT:
Well, let’s try the boot fit, I think it’ll suit your shape. try the thirty two and the thirty four leg

HE DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH A HUGE STACK OF FOLDED JEANS. AFTER A WHILE HE STANDS AND PUSHES TWO PAIRS OF JEANS INTO THE MAN’S ARMS AND USHERS HIM TO THE CHANGING ROOMS

ASSISTANT:
Now you make sure you come straight out and tell me how they fit and we can work on things from there ok?

MAN: ( BEWILDERED)
Alright

FADE OUT.

CUT TO:
MAN STEPS FROM CHANGING ROOM

ASSISTANT: (SLIGHTLY UPSET)
Well, can’t I see them on?

MAN
What? No.

ASSISTANT: (CHEERS UP)
So, what do ya think?

MAN
Ok. I liked the fit and I like the colour-

ASSISTANT (INTERRUPTS)
Oh yeah, I could see that faded colour would be you, straight away

MAN:
Well, you were right again. The trouble is the length. The thirty two was a bit short and the thirty four-

ASSISTANT(INTERRUPTS AGAIN)
A bit long. I know. Not to worry though, we have intermediate leg sizes here so lets go get you a thirty three to try

HE TAKES THE TWO PAIRS OF JEANS FROM THE MAN AND THEY BOTH WALK BACK TO THE STACKS OF JEANS ON THE SHELVES

ASSISTANT: (THROWS THE TWO PAIRS TO ONE SIDE)
Alrighty let’s see,,, thirty three leg

FLICKS THROUGH SEVERAL STACKS OF JEANS

ASSISTANT: (MUTTERING TO HIMSELF)
Thirty six, thirty three, thirty six, thirty three…

HE LOOKS UP TO SEE THE MAN WATCHING HIM AND SMILES, THEN ROTATES THE STACK SO THE MAN CAN’T SEE THE LABELS

ASSISTANT:
Here we are

PULLS A PAIR FROM A DIFFERENT STACK

MAN: (CHECKS LABEL)
Oh, no these are thirty four leg

ASSISTANT:
What? Oh, how did they get in there? Hang on

DROPS TO KNEES AGAIN AND STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH EVEN FASTER THIS TIME

ASSISTANT:
Thirty six, thirty three, thirty six, thirty three…come on baby, I know you’re in here, thirty six, thirty three!

HE DRAGS A PAIR FROM A NEW STACK AND PUSHES THEM INTO THE MAN’S ARMS

ASSISTANT: (A BIT RED IN THE FACE)
At last! Thirty six, thirty three. Your perfect size

MAN:
Sorry but these aren’t faded

ASSISTANT: (EXASPARATED)
Yes they are!

MAN:
No, look, (holds them up to the faded stack)
I really wanted this faded colour

ASSISTANT: (GETTING NERVOUS)
Course you did, it is YOU after all (smiles). Well hey, why don’t you try these on, just to make sure it’s your fit, and I’ll get the right colour from the store room?

MAN:
Fair enough

FADE OUT.

CUT TO:
MAN OUTSIDE CHANGING ROOM TALKING TO ANOTHER (FEMALE) ASSISTANT. THE FIRST ASSISTANT APPROACHES IN A FLUSTER, HE’S BEEN CRYING AND GLARES AT THE WOMAN WHO RUSHES AWAY

MAN:
Any joy?

ASSISTANT
You just don’t want me to see you in them do ya? Anyway, how’s the fit?

MAN:
Err..yeah, great

ASSISTANT:
Perfect?

MAN:
Yep, perfect. Did you find a pair-

ASSISTANT(INTERRUPTS)
How’s this. I think you should get this colour

MAN:
But I wanted –

ASSISTANT:
I know, I know, but think about it. You can fade these yourself! (looks very excited)

MAN;
But I don’t want –

ASSISTANT: (PANIKING)
They’re self fading, It’s FADE CONTROL!

MAN;
You haven’t got a pair have you?

ASSISTANT
We have plenty I’m just thinking of you!

MAN:
Goodbye

HE GIVES THE JEANS TO THE ASSISTANT AND MAKES TO LEAVE. THE ASISTANT GRABS HIS ARM

ASSISTANT: (WHISPERS)
I saw your winkey

MAN: (STOPS)
What?

ASSISTANT
When you were in the changing room, there was a gap in the curtain and I saw it

MAN: (ANGRY)
Firstly. No you didn’t

ASSISTANT: (NODS AND LOOKS AROUND)
Oh yes I did

HE WAGGLES HIS LITTLE FINGER IN THE MAN’S FACE

MAN: (LOOKS AROUND EMBARRASSED AND GRABS THE FINGER)
And secondly, so what if you did?

ASSISTANT: (SMUG)
So what? Look around you BUCKO. A store full of women. You wouldn’t want anything to ‘slip out’ now would you? (laughs). I mean, you’ve finally got your hands on something that’s the right length I suggest you keep hold of it. (winks)

MAN:
RIGHT! That’s it, I want to see the manager!

THE ASSISTANT’S FACE TURNS TO TOTAL HORROR. HIS VOICE IS A WHISPER WITH TERROR.

ASSISTANT:
No!…please

MAN: (INDIGNANT)
Oh yes (smiles)

ASSISTANT:
I was joking. Honest. Sir no! Please!

HE DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND STARTS TO SOB AND PLEAD

MAN: (WAGGLES LITTLE FINGER AT HIM)
Not so ‘big’ and ‘cocky’ now are we?

ASSISTANT: (TERRIFIED)
Oh god please no. Please! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Forgive me, please!

PEOPLE IN THE SHOP START TO LOOK. THE MAN FEELS A LITTLE UNEASY. HE STOOPS TO HELP THE ASSISTANT TO HIS FEET

MAN:
Alright, Jesus! Get up. I get it, you have to make a sale, calm down!

ASSISTANT: (LOOKS AROUND IN FEAR)
We have to meet your needs. It’s all about service…sir

MAN:
Look, I need a new jumper, how about I buy a jumper?

ASSISTANT:
Oh, SURE! Give a sale to that ******* Williams!

HE LOOKS WITH HATERD ACROSS THE SHOP, THE MAN FOLLOWS HIS GAZE.

CUT TO:
SHOT OF WILLIAMS SQUEEZING EIGHT JUMPERS INTO A LARGE BAG AND HANDING IT TO A NERVOUS LOOKING CUSTOMER

CUT TO:
THE TWO MEN LOOK BACK AT EACH OTHER

MAN: (ANGRY)
Service my arse! This is about commission. Well I’m not having it. I don’t want these jeans and I’m leaving now!

HE PUSHES THE JEANS AT THE ASSISTANT AND WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR

ASSISTANT: (SHOUTS AND POINTS TO MAN)
THIS MAN HAS ONLY GOT A TINY –

THE MAN DARTS BACK AND PUTS HIS HAND OVER THE ASSISTANT’S MOUTH. HE GRABS THE JEANS FROM HIM

MAN:
Alright. You win. I’ll take them!

THEY BOTH STOP AND THE REST OF THE SHOP STARTS TO APPLAUD. WILLIAMS APPROACHES THEM AND SPEAKS FOR EVERYONE TO HEAR

WILLIAMS:
Excellent Brian, well done!

HE GIVES A NAME BADGE TO THE MAN. IT READS “TONY”

WILLIAMS:
Now how about we try, “Do you take switch?” it’s on page 47 of your handbooks.

EVERYONE PULLS A HANDBOOK FROM SOMEWHERE, INCLUDING BRIAN AND TONY AND THEY FLICK THROUGH THE PAGES

WILLIAMS:
This time, Tony, you can be the assistant. Brian, you be the target

BRIAN: (IN BROAD NORTHERN ACCENT)
Aye, alright.

END