[Standing stock still – centre shot, eyes closed is the latest technological breakthrough – CyberTech’s ‘Perfect Man’]
WOMAN: [reading from the CyberTech manual] To activate your Perfect Man from CyberTech, simply toggle the switch at the back of the neck…Righto. [toggles switch and steps back as Perfect Man shudders into life]
PERFECT MAN: I am PERFECT MAN from CyberTech – Your wish is my command. I am here but to please you.
WOMAN: Well, that’s a good start. First off then, tell me a bit about yourself and your…‘functions’
PERFECT MAN: I am 6 feet 2, 185 pounds, I have the strength and agility of 10 athletes, I am an expert in 9 types of international cuisine. I have the intellect of 13 of the greatest minds in history as well as being a master composer, painter, writer and….
WOMAN: [interrupts] Yes, yes, yes, that’s all well and good, but what about me…what can you do for me?
PERFECT MAN: I apologise, but in light of my previous reply, I do not understand your question.
WOMAN: Oh, for God’s sake, man, do I have to spell it out?…my NEEDS…you know, the needs of a woman!
PERFECT MAN: [neutral] "Switching to INTIMATE mode" I am a good listener, I know many massage techniques, chocolate recipes, I love cats, walking, I crave household chores…[notices Woman staring pointedly at him, arms folded]
PERFECT MAN: [catches on at last and speedily changes tack]…er…did I mention that I can keep going at ANY activity indefinitely…I am fully programmed with the sexual positions of every major civilisation in history…
WOMAN: [visibly warming to topic of conversation] Go on…go on!
PERFECT MAN: [sighs resignedly]…my tongue has five speed settings, and I have 9½ inches that I can keep erect indefinitely.
WOMAN: Yesss!!! JACKPOT!!
PERFECT MAN: Would madam like her needs, er, ‘servicing’ now?
WOMAN: Damn right I would!
PERFECT MAN: OK [moves to embrace woman]
WOMAN: Hang on a minute!! I want to be romanced first
PERFECT MAN: [robotic monotone] You are the most beautiful woman in the world, you are the sun, and I am in orbit around you, your skin is like alabaster, and your hair a cascade of vibrant colour…your laugh is like the tinkling of a spring.
WOMAN HALT!! [Perfect Man freezes on spot, and Woman returns to the Manual, urgently searching for a chapter] Ri-ight…there we go ‘Trouble Shooting – Literal Mindedness’ [reads] “If you find your CyberTech Perfect Man to be too literal, you can re-programme him to be ‘more real’ by lightly beating on his back with both hands and saying “You Beast, You Beast, You Beast!” - [beats lightly on back of Perfect Man repeating ‘You Beast, You Beast, You Beast!” He shudders again.] Warning: This programme is irreversible once started.” …
WOMAN: Right, where were we?…Oh yes, I want you to romance me and then ravish me all night long!
PERFECT MAN: [twitches into life and clocks woman] Yeah, look love, I would, only I’m a bit knackered tonight, and I promised the guys I’d meet them down the pub to watch the game [kisses her on forehead and walks off]…don’t worry about dinner tonight, I’ll grab a take-away….[shouts from offstage] Oh, and I need a shirt ironed for tomorrow!
