Another Sketch with a Brian in it, I don't even know anyone called Brian and yet it seems ideal for comedy.
SCENE1: INT. PLUSH OFFICE – DAY
ALAN IS SITTING AT A LARGE DESK. HE IS THE CEO OF A LARGE COMPANY. HIS SECRETARY BUZZES HIM
ALAN: (PRESSES BUZZER)
Yes Samantha, I know, it’s Brian to see me, send him in please.
BRIAN ENTERS WITH AN AIR OF CONFIDENCE. HE IS IN HIS 50’S AND BUSINNESS LOOKING. HE HAS A SHARP SUIT AND A BRIEFCASE. (HE LOOKS A BIT LIKE BLAKE CARRINGTON OFF DYNASTY).
ALAN: (STANDS AND SHAKES BRIAN’S HAND, THEY BOTH SIT AT THE DESK)
Look Brian, I know why you’re here. It’s about the Tagomi account isn’t it?
BRIAN:
Yeah, I’m ready to go and still haven’t had the details through, why the delay?
ALAN: (LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE)
Brian…Brian, mate. I’ve given it to Harding
BRIAN: (VERY ANGRY)
Harding! What the hell for Alan? I developed this deal from the start.
ALAN
I know Brian, it should be yours but-
BRIAN:
You’re damn right it should be mine. This is the fourth major contract I’ve set up and had taken off me. Every time I’m ready to actually meet the client you give it to someone else. What the Hell’s going on?
ALAN:
Look, you’re right. Your figures are the best in the business and I would dearly love to send you off to Japan but I can’t…and you know I can’t
BRIAN: (CONFUSED)
I don’t know at all, what do you mean?
ALAN:
Oh come on Brian, your problem
BRIAN:
Problem?
ALAN:
Don’t make me spell it out. We both know what I’m talking about here
BRIAN
No, Alan, we don’t. My results don’t show any -
ALAN: (ANGRY)
It’s nothing to do with your results and you know it! Now come on, don’t make me go through this!
BRIAN:
I haven’t lost a deal in-
ALAN:
Fine! You want me to spell it out for you? Ok!
HE SITS AT HIS DESK, RESIGNED TO HIS TASK. HE DROPS HIS HEAD AND LOOKS DOWN
ALAN:
What does B, U, M spell?
BRIAN PAUSES TO THINK THEN THE LOOK OF TOTAL INDIGNATION ON HIS FACE SUDDENLY CHANGES TO A WIDE EYED, CHILD LIKE EXPRESSION OF SHOCK. HIS MOUTH OPENS WITH AMAZEMENT AND HE PUTS HIS HAND OVER IT. HE ROLLS HIS EYES
BRIAN:
Orrrgh, that’s a very naughty word Alan.
ALAN:
You see, Brian?
BRIAN:
What? You said a naughty word, so what? I’m not likely to swear in front of clients.
ALAN:
It’s not swearing and there are no ‘naughty’ words. It’s YOU! You’re too immature
BRIAN: (INDIGNANT AND VERY ANGRY)
That is simply not-
ALAN: (INTERRUPTS)
Plop plop
BRIAN INSTANTLY STOPS IN HIS TRACKS AND RETURNS TO HIS ‘WIDE EYED’ EXPRESSION, HE LOOKS AROUND CONSPIRITORIALLY AND GIGGLES LIKE A KID.
ALAN:
I’m sorry Brian
BRIAN: (STOPS GIGGLING AND RETURNS TO NORMAL. SLIGHTLY PLEADING)
Alright. But this is a business environment and they don’t even speak English . It won’t be a problem!
ALAN:
You don’t understand, you’ll have to interact with the contact on a social level. Living out there with them in Japan, it’ll never work, I’m sorry.
BRIAN: (ALMOST TO TEARS)
Alan, come on! My career’s on the line here. My reputation. Don’t give it to Harding. I couldn’t take another pat on the back.
ALAN: (RUBS HIS EYES IN DESPAIR)
Alright Brian you’ve got it. I’ll let you take on, and probably lose, the biggest contract we’ve ever brought in. Just because you deserve the chance.
THEY SHAKE HANDS. THERE IS AN AIR OF SOLIDARITY BETWEEN THEM. THEY SIT DOWN AGAIN. ALAN REMOVES A FILE FROM HIS DESK
CUT TO:
CLOSE UP ON BRIAN’S FACE AS HE EAGERLY AWAITS THE DETAILS OF THE JOB
CUT TO:
CLOSE UP ON ALAN’S FACE AS HE READS THE DETAILS OUT
ALAN:
Ok Brian, your contact is Mister C. Myassi. And his wife kissi. They live in the Wang Dong province in a town called How long poo. She’s a lover of Shitsus while he has an aviary full of tits…oh and your interpreter is Dick Shaver, he’ll be sharing your hotel suite.
CUT TO:
BRIAN’S FACE. IT’S BRIGHT RED, HE LETS OUT A LONG SLOW SIGH
BRIAN:
I’ll get Harding.
END
You're wife's a bigfoot isn't she Gus?
