Best of luck to the shortlisted ones then. This was my effort:
LIGHT MY FIRE
[SCENE: TWO CAVE ENTRANCES, ONE WITH NEAT BOX HEDGING, THE OTHER WITH PILES OF BONES AND A NEANDERTHAL GROUP SITTING AROUND FIRE FEEDING.]
NEAND. YOUTH: (TAKING A ROAST RIB FROM FIRE) Ug, ug!
NEAND. LEADER: (ANGRY) UG!! UG!! (CLOUTS YOUTH UNCONSCIOUS WITH LARGE BONE CAUSING GREAT ALARM AMONG OTHERS)
50's DAD: (APPEARING OVER HEDGE PUFFING PIPE) I say Mr Hunter, would you mind pipin' down out here, Mary and I are tryin' to listen to the light programme with the childrin and the reception isn't half poor I don't mind tellin' you. Anyway, it's a bit early for elevenses isn't it? I'll ask Mary, she's bound to know.
NEAND. LEADER: Ug … ahem … sorry Armitage old man, my lad 'ere took a bit more than his fair share. It won't happen again ... seein' as he's most likely perished I'll wager. Regards to Mary.
50's DAD: Well, fair enough Hunter. By the way, I've been meaning to have a word with you about those riff-raff children of yours. I'm afraid I caught ‘em doodlin' on the walls. Mary's had the dickens of a job cleaning up with the Vim so if you wouldn't mind ...
NEAND. LEADER: Great Scott! Whoever he was. Not again! (TURNS TO GROUP AND FLIES INTO RAGE, TAKING OUT SEVERAL JUNIORS) UG!! UG!!! RUDDY UG!! (RETURNING TO HEDGE / POINTING AT SURVIVORS) And the rest of you better learn to stand up straight while I'm distributing the proper punishment or there''ll be more thick ears sure enough as like.
50's DAD: Well fair do's but if it does happen again, I shall have to call Sergeant Dixon. He won't stand for that kind of thing. That's if they can get things fixed down at the telephone exchange. Those women operators! One war and they think they can run the country. A woman shouldn't be doin' a complicated job like that. Now you take my Mary for instance...
NEAND. LEADER: Well that's very decent of you old chap and funny you should say that because ...
50's DAD: ... Yes, well, she's a real boon is Mary. And I don't mind tellin' you, she baked a splendid meat pie last night. She's a marvel. I'm sure I don't know how she does it after all the shortages, she really is a wonder!
NEAND. LEADER: Supply and demand old thing, supply and demand.
50's DAD: (SQUINTING AT PIPE) Dash it all Hunter, have you got a light? M' ruddy pipe's gone out don’t y'know.
NEAND. LEADER: Yes. Mary did say something about that.
Cedric, pipe in hand, wearing his smoking jacket is standing by a makeshift fire in the middle of the cave. On all fours, at his feet, is his mud-caked, dishevelled Neanderthal wife. Througher matted hair, she is looking up at him adoringly as he attempts to teach her English.
Cedric: Pipe.
Wife: Ng.
CEDRIC: Pipe.
WIFE: Ng.
CEDRIC: Piiipe.
WIFE: Nnnnnnng.
CEDRIC: no! PIPE!
WIFE: NG NG!
CEDRIC: Oh I give up...damn waste of time.
WIFE: Well you shouldn't smoke in the cave anyway. It smells awful and passive smoking is more than likely to increase my risk of coronary heart disease by 50 or 60 percent.
Cedric pulls out a giant club from behind his back and boinks wife over the head. He puffs smugly on his pipe as his wife lies unconscious.
SIR ALF RAMSEY GIVES A PEP TALK TO A SMALL CROWD OF NEANDERTHALS WHO ARE DRESSED IN ENGLAND FOOTBALL KITS AND WIELDING CLUBS.
SIR ALF When I said the only way England could win the World Cup was to go back in time and train our ancestors from scratch, people thought I was barking mad … and by God, they were right.
SIR ALF LIFTS A LEG AND CROWS LIKE A ROOSTER. THE NEANDERTHALS GLANCE NERVOUSLY AT EACH OTHER. SOME SNIFFLE AND SNEEZE.
SIR ALF We English invented… er… (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH AS IF IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE) WILL invent football but, from where I come, the game is dominated by countries that don’t even speak English. What do you say to that, lads?
THE TEAM SHOUT UNINTELLIGIBLE GRUNTS AND PRIMEVAL WORDS.
SIR ALF Exactly. You, number four, go collect some woolly… woolly…
FOUR Mammoth?
SIR ALF No, jumpers. For goalposts. And discipline. From now on, clubbing is out. And I’m looking at you, number five.
FIVE STOPS HITTING A TEAM MATE WITH A CLUB AND BLUSHES GUILTILY.
SIR ALF And no late nights at the local watering hole. We lost another wing-half to crocodiles last night. Now, diet. Roots and berries are out. When was the last time hunter-gatherers lifted the FA cup, eh? (THE TEAM RAISE HANDS) Excluding Cardiff City. (THE TEAM LOWER HANDS) From now on, it’s fry-ups round the clock and hot lard toddies before matches. Six, haven’t you finished inflating that pig’s bladder yet?
AN INFLATED PIG ZIGZAGS THROUGH THE AIR, WHISTLING LIKE A DEFLATING BALLOON. SIX, WITH A STRAW IN HIS MOUTH, SNEEZES.
SIR ALF I’ll take that as a no. We’ll just have to wait for the rhino eggs to arrive.
THE TEAM LOOK CONFUSED. A DISTANT BELLOW AND CHARGING FEET END IN A MAN’S LONG SCREAM. THE TEAM FOLLOW THE SCREAM IN AN ARC THROUGH THE AIR.
SIR ALF Hmm. Okay then, let’s try these dodo eggs instead.
SIR ALF TOSSES A LARGE EGG AT FIVE. FIVE HEADS IT AND THE EGG SHATTERS, COVERING THE TEAM IN YOLK.
SIR ALF Not to worry, there’s plenty more where these came from. Right, has catering got the pies on? (THE TEAM NOD) Good, they should be ready by nineteen-fifty.
FIVE P.M?
SIR ALF No, A.D. And Two, stop sneezing. It’s just a cold. I had it last week and –
TWO COLLAPSES. THE TEAM GATHER AROUND TWO.
FIVE He’s dead.
SIR ALF Dead? But it was only a common cold.
FIVE What’s ‘cold’?
SIR ALF But surely you’ve …
THE TEAM COLLAPSE LIFELESS, ONE BY ONE.
SIR ALF … had colds before? (REALISES HE’S ALONE.) Oh, bugger. I knew I should’ve gone to Brazil but Busby said “Brazil? World Champions? Never!”
SIR ALF SLINKS AWAY, WHISTLING FAR TOO NONCHALANTLY “FOOTBALL’S COMING HOME.
END
______________________________ Love comes to everyone once in their life ... Twice if they're unlucky.
DAD HAS GATHERED HIS BROOD AROUND THE FIRE FOR AN EVENING MEAL IN THE CAVE. ALSO PRESENT ARE HIS SON AND UNCLE.
Dad: “Now isn’t this nice? I think it’s important that we gather round as a family at dinnertime and mother should be home any minute with tonight’s meal…
A BEDRAGGLED, SCARCELY FEMALE LOOKING, CHARACTER SWAYS INTO THE CAVE. A BLOODY BOAR IS THROWN BEFORE THE FAMILY.
Mother: (her mouth runs with blood. She is holding a bloody hoof and a jaw-bone) “Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!”
Dad: Now then mother I think we’ve caught you with your hand in the biscuit barrel again haven’t we? (Chortles and winks to uncle who is nonplussed, looking slightly constipated)
Mother: (Angry) “Arghhhhhhhhhhh!!!”
Dad: (a bit worried but trying not to show it) Ok settle down now mother… I really am going to put my foot down if you start with that women’s lib business again…
MOTHER SEES THE BOAR TWITCH SLIGHTLY. SHE LAUNCHES THROUGH THE AIR WITH HER JAWBONE AND BEGINS TO POUND THE CARCASS RELENTLESSLY
Dad: (whilst being sprayed with blood as each blow reigns down) Thank you mother I do enjoy my steak tenderized…
Dad: (nonchalantly cleans his bloodied spectacles) Now then son how was your day?
Son: (Goes cross-eyed as he unashamedly defecates with great relief) “Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
Dad: That bad eh? (Reminiscent look into the middle distance) You know son I remember my free and easy days. I hunted and, dare I say, gathered, scrumping for apples (a knowing wink at son who responds only by a repeat, more intense, defecation)…
MOTHER RIPS THE LIMBS AND HEAD OFF THE BOAR CORPSE, THROWING BLOODIED PARTS TO EACH OF THE FAMILY
Dad: (the boars head rolls before him) Thank you mother…anyway, I was out gathering one day when I first met your mother. I was in the woodland on a nature trail picking berries on this occasion. Then like a vision I saw your mother in the clearing, highlighted by a pool of warm sunshine, as she bludgeoned a small family of woodland creatures to death. There was a little confusion at first but after she reluctantly stopped clubbing me we decided to partake in a spot of luncheon down at the bog …we had wild berry and flattened marsupial. I realized she was a delicate soul under all that…that…hair…do you remember mother?
Mother: Uhh? (Looking quizzical as she devours the last of her boar)
Dad: (whispers) Mother you seem to have some boar reproductive gland in your beard…
MOTHER WIPES THE BOAR GLAND FROM HER FACE, LICKS IT OFF HER HAND AND BELCHES WITH SATISFACTION BEFORE NESTLING DOWN TO SLEEP…SHE BEGINS TO SNORE LOUDLY
Dad: (disregarding mother) have you met anyone special yet son? I don’t want to embarrass you but I think you should think about courting. How about that girl who lives on the second cave down from the black monolith?
Son: (goes cross-eyed again and begins to motion his hand up and down under his loin cloth) Ughhh Ughhhhhhh! (Fevered nodding)
Dad: (briefly laughs nervously) She IS charming isn’t she? (Clears his throat and tries to concentrate on prodding his boar’s head as the son becomes more animated, making louder and louder noises)
Uncle: (goes cross-eyed letting out a slow and ridiculously long expulsion of wind escape at great volume…a broad inane smile appearing on his face)
WE SLOWLY DRIFT OUT INTO THE PREHISTORIC EVENING AS THE SUN GOES DOWN, STILL FOCUSING ON THE CAVE FROM A DISTANCE
Dad: (sounding a little uncomfortable) “Uncle you haven’t been drinking from that stagnant pool again have you?…mother can one eat the eyeball?…seriously son, you can stop now, you're beginning to put me off my…(sigh)...dinner”
SNORES, WIND BREAKING AND ORGASMIC PRIMATE SCREAMS RING OUT INTO THE NIGHT
Nice to see so many variations on the theme. I really struggled with this one. This is the best I could come up with:
TITLE: CAVED
INT. CAVE. NEANDERTHALS ARE SITTING AROUND SHARPENING THEIR TOOLS. NEANDERTHAL MAN IS STRETCHING AN ANIMAL SKIN ACROSS SOME WOODEN POLES TO MAKE A PARTITION.
50’S DAD Lath and plaster, that’s what you need, old chap! One would obtain a far more satisfactory finish.
NEANDERTHAL MAN LOOKS AT HIM, CLEARLY NOT UNDERSTANDING A WORD.
50’S DAD And might I suggest a television set for that corner?
NEANDERTHAL MAN Teleffishion shhet??
50’S DAD It’s like a window into another world only everything is in black and white. The pinnacle of domestic entertainment, surely never to be bettered.
NEANDERTHAL MAN’S SMALL CHILD STARTS TO CRY AND HE GOES TO COMFORT HIM.
50’S DAD My word, you people really do have a long way to come, don’t you? Any respectable man should work 20 hours a day and see his children only on Sundays. His wife brings up said children whilst maintaining the family home and only speaks to her husband when deemed appropriate by himself! Basic rules of the modern civilised household, my good friend. You have a lot to learn!
NEANDERTHAL MAN GIVES HIS CHILD A DRUM. HE STOPS CRYING AND STARTS BASHING OUT A BEAT. 50’S DAD STARTS TO TAP HIS FEET, THEN BREAKS INTO SOME AMATEURISH BALLROOM DANCING WHILST MAINTAINING A SMUG EXPRESSION AND STIFF UPPER LIP.
50’S DAD Any respectable modern man also has a lot to learn from the great Fred Astaire. The final word in the evolution of the trans-global people’s entertainer!
NEANDERTHAL MAN WHISTLES A SIGNAL AND A PARTICULARLY SIMPLE LOOKING NEANDERTHAL STANDS UP AND GETS DOWN TO SOME SERIOUS MOONWALKING AND ASSORTED BREAK DANCING, TO THE JOY OF THE OTHER NEANDERTHALS.
DEJECTED AND HUMBLED, 50’S DAD GOES TO NEANDERTHAL MAN AND STARTS TO HELP HIM STRETCH THE SKIN.
50’S DAD Oh, how did I end up in this place?
NEANDERTHAL MAN MOVES BACK THE PARTITION TO REVEAL A LARGE MACHINE MADE FROM ROCK AND WOOD. IT HAS A CONTROL PANEL WITH A COLOUR SCREEN!
ON THE SCREEN WE SEE A CCTV TYPE SHOT OF 2 MEN CHATTING IN A STREET IN THE 1950S. NEANDERTHAL MAN PRESSES A BUTTON AND THE 2 MEN DISAPPEAR. THEY THEN TUMBLE OUT OF THE FRONT OF THE MACHINE. DAZED AND CONFUSED, THEY PASS OUT AND A GROUP OF NEANDERTHALS CARRY THEM AWAY.
NEANDERTHAL MAN (SMUG AND BELITTLING) Telefishhion shhet? (HE GIVES 50’S DAD THE FINGER)
A GROUP OF CAVEMEN SITTING ON ROCKS AROUND A CAVE, THEY ARE GROOMING EACH OTHER AND EATING NITS, ON THE WALLS ARE PICTURES OF MAMMOTHS AND OTHER PREHISTORIC BEASTS. THERE IS A CRACK OF THUNDER AND A MAN APPEARS IN FRONT OF THEM, HE IS WEARING A BROWN CARDIGAN, AND MATCHING DULL TROUSERS, THIS IS GEORGE FATHER OF TWO FROM 1958.
GEORGE Oh hello, I'm George and I'm from the future.
CAVEMAN 1 (POSH VOICE) Oh God not another one! Like the others you've come here to educate us I suppose?
GEORGE No not really, I have one small request thats all.
CAVEMAN 2 We know, don't pee on the trees it makes your coal smell right?
GEORGE Who told you that?
CAVEMAN 1 Another of you time travelling chums that passed this way, we ate him.
GEORGE Oh good, you do eat people then, you are cannibals?
CAVEMAN 3 Der, we eat people what do you think? You look like lunch to me.
GEORGE Well if you could refrain from eating me for just a moment.
CAVEMAN 1 (SIGHING) Ok what is it this time?
GEORGE I don't want to be a terrible bore, but very soon there's going to be this huge meteor, it's going to slam into the earth (PAUSE) It's not going to be great news for you chaps.
MILD PANIC SPREADS AMONGST THE CAVEMEN
CAVEMAN 2 This meteor? What exactly is it going to do?
GEORGE It's going to make it a little dark and maybe a tad chilly. On another matter, I just wondered if you could possibly do me one small favour?
CAVEMAN 1 What do we get out of it?
GEORGE I could give you my invention for a deflector shield, it would deflect the meteor into Mars, thus saving you any inconvenience.
CAVEMAN 1 (TURNING TO HIS FELLOW CAVEMEN) We don't owe Mars anything do we? (MUCH SHAKING OF HEADS) Ok it's a deal what can we do for you?
GEORGE Great,ok here's my instructions for the shield, good luck with that old chap, I just wondered if you could eat these chaps for me?
GEORGE PRESSES A BUTTON ON HIS WRIST WATCH THERE IS A CRACK OF THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. THREE MEN APPEAR, BILL HALEY, CLIFF RICHARDS AND ELVIS PRESLEY.
GEORGE If you could just eat these three you will be saving the world from a much greater threat than your meteor, it's called "Rock and Roll" it's the sound of the devil.
CAVEMAN 3 Agreed, now go back to your time and leave us to feast.
GEORGE PRESSES HIS WATCH AGAIN IN A FLASH HE IS GONE.
SCENE 2. SAME CAVE BACK IN 1958.
GEORGE ARRIVES BACK INTO 1958 TO BE SURROUNDED BY CAVEMEN ALL DANCING TO ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK. HE SEES A DRAWING OF HIMSELF ON THE WALL DELIVERING THE SHIELD OF GEORGE AND THE GODS THAT ARE BILL, CLIFF AND ELVIS. GEORGE TALKS TO THE FIRST CAVEMAN HE SEES.
GEORGE What happened here? did your ancestors not eat these three men?
CAVEMAN No they helped us build the "Shield of George" and saved us. They became Gods and we dance and sing to them every night.
GEORGE (HEAD IN HANDS SIGHING) I bet they pee'd on the trees too.
Not sure about the formatting. Or the Max Bygraves catchphrase ....
SCENE 1. INT. SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM. 1956.
Father (side-parted and brylcreemed hair, waistcoat, cigarette) and Mother (knitting) sit in a Nineteen Fifties living room. Tommy Steele's hit song 'Rock with the Caveman' blares out from upstairs.
TOMMY STEELE: (From Upstairs) "Rock with the caveman. Roll with the caveman."
FATHER: That's the hundredth time she's played that Rock'n'Rubbish record. I didn't fight Germans just so's my daughter could send me back to the flippin'Stone Age.
Mother replies as Father hurries out of the room.
MOTHER: Carole's having a bath. She's put her record player on repeat play.
SCENE 2. INT. THE LANDING
TOMMY STEELE: (From bedroom) "Stalactite, stalagmite, hold your baby very tight."
Father storms into his daughter's bedroom. But he seems to be entering a Neanderthal camp.
DISSOLVE TO: SCENE 3. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP.
A group of Neanderthals (animal skins, painted faces,etc) congregate around a dead fire. They are frantically blowing the ashes and fanning with large leaves to try to get the fire to burn again. Desperation can be seen in their eyes. Father enters the camp from a thicket. The Neanderthals all turn round to examine him. A rather bemused father takes a puff on his cigarette. The Neanderthals are amazed by this mastery of fire. They prostrate themselves before him. Father offers the Neanderthals' apparent Chief a puff on his cigarette. The Chief ceremoniously takes the cigarette, passes it to the Neanderthal Fire Keeper who uses it to re-ignite the fire.
NEANDERTHALS: Uuurrhh! (Subtitled "Fire!")
SCENE 4. INT. NEANDERTHAL CAVE. (MONTAGE)
Father is ensconced in a cave. A choice of nubile Neanderthal girls is offered to him.
SCENE 5. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP. (MONTAGE)
Cold winter. Father has fur skins over his fifties clothing. The Neanderthals have now greased their hair into a side parting like Father's. They have made a Snowman. Neanderthal children play around it.
SCENE 6. INT. NEANDERTHAL CAVE. (MONTAGE)
Father is ensconced in his cave. It has three flying duck-like birds painted on the wall.
SCENE 7. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP. (MONTAGE)
Hot summer. Father, now with longer hair, has rolled up trousers, braces and a knotted handkerchief on his head. The Neanderthals have imitated him with knotted leaves on their heads and rolled-up skins covering their legs. Neanderthal children play - two smaller children have much fairer hair than the others.
SCENE 8. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP.
The Communal fire burns. Neanderthals are unsuccessfully rubbing sticks together to try and create fire. Father now has long hair.
FATHER: Come on, you perishers. You need to be able to create your own ruddy fire.
SCENE 9. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP. (MONTAGE)
The children play. One fair-haired child kneels behind a Neanderthal child while the other fair headed child pushes them over.
SCENE 10. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP.
The Neanderthals play an improvised game of cricket with bones and coconuts. The Neanderthal bowler makes an exaggerated appeal.
NEANDERTHAL: Uhl! Beee! Wurr! (Subtitled "LBW!")
SCENE 11. EXT. NEANDERTHAL CAMP.
Neanderthals demonstrate a new mastery of fire - lighting small fires by rubbing sticks together. There's joyous celebration. The chief shouts to Father who's at the edge of the camp.
NEANDERTHAL CHIEF: A good idea (beat) son. (subtitled "A good idea - son.")
Unobserved, Father leaves the camp by the thicket; he seems to be entering the bedroom.
DISSOLVE TO: SCENE12. INT BEDROOM.
TOMMY STEELE: (From Record Player) "Shake with the Caveman."
Father's looks like he did originally. He stares at the Dansette record player. The arm is retracted for repeat play; a 78rpm disc plays. He lifts the needle; the music stops.
SCENE 13. INT LIVING ROOM.
Father enters. Mother looks up from her knitting.
MOTHER: You need a haircut, Pa.
Father looks distracted.
FATHER: You know, Ma, I think I just might be the Missing Link.
TWO NEANDERTHALS ARE SITTING DOWN THEY KEEP MAKING FISTS AT EACH OTHER.
THEY TALK BY GRUNTING, THE SUBTITLES INDICATE WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.
UGH This is pointless
OGH I know... this is the 2nd annual games and still we have no winners.
WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL THAT THERE ARE DOZENS OF PEOPLE PLAYING 'ROCK' AND DRAWING.
UGH How did the 1st games go?
OGH It's still going.
WE PAN ROUND TO SEE NEANDERTHALS WITH BIGGER BEARDS DOING THE SAME.
UGH Hmmm.... if only there was something that would beat rock.
THERE IS A GREEN FLASH
SUDDENLY A HAND APPEARS IN-BETWEEN THE TWO ROCKS, IT IS DOING PAPER MIME AND WRAPS ROUND ON OF THE ROCKS. WE PAN UP TO REVEAL THE HAND BELONGS TO A TYPICAL 50'S DAD WITH FLAT CAP, BRACES AND PIPE.
THE NEANDERTHALS LOOK ON IN AWE
DAD That son is paper, and it beats rock.
HE PRODUCES A FOLDED DAILY MAIL FROM UNDER HIS ARM.
DAD And this is the Daily Mail and it's the most powerful paper around.
THE NEANDERTHALS LOOK CONFUSED, THEN ANGRY AND START PELTING HIM WITH ROCKS. HE TRIES TO DEFEND WITH HIMSELF WITH THE PAPER BUT IT IS SOON SHREDDED AND HE IS BURIED UNDER ROCKS.
UGH Ha... silly man rock beats paper.
THEY CONTINUE DOING ROCK END
"Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K. " - Ted "Theodore" Logan
