Scene: Davina McCall is standing in front of a flipchart in a boardroom, tapping the flipchart with a pointer.
DAVINA: Listen up girlfriendsit's time to crack on.
CAMERA CUTS TO THE ROOM SHOWING GRAHAM NORTON, DALE WINTON, ALAN CARR, AND JUSTIN AND COLIN SITTING AT A CONFERENCE TABLE.
DAVINA: So who knows why we are all here?
WINTON: I assume, gorgeous, we are the shortlist to host a Big Brother 8, Big Brothers little Brother style program. Please Darling, pick me. I'd love to work with Dermot O'Leary, he is Luscious.
DAVINA: Afraid not Dale. It's a much more important mission we have.
NORTON: Looking around the table I'm guessing it's a celebrity Queer As Folk.
DAVINA: Wrong again Graham. No we have been hand picked by the Gay Mafiosa to front a campaign to out other gay celebrities. Celebs who have hidden behind a facade for years, keeping their secret from the public. This dossier (pointing at the flipchart) which is known as the Davina Code, provides the evidence to reveal these Charlatans for what they are.
JUSTIN & COLIN: Davina? We can understand why we have all been chosen, but you? A married mother, outing gays?
DAVINA: Don't always judge a book and all that.
DAVINA REACHES DOWN THE FRONT OF HER DRESS AND PULLS OUT A PROSTHETIC PREGNANCY STOMACH AND REMOVES HER WIG TO REVEAL THAT SHE IS ACTUALLY RICHARD FAIRBRASS FROM RIGHT SAID FRED.
NORTON: Nooooo! Richard Fairbrass.Why are you dressed as Davina?
FAIRBRASS: I am davina. After that ridiculous "I'm Too Sexy" song I couldn't get any work for love nor money. That's right even for love. So I had to come up with a disguise to pay the mortgage, and that's when Davina was born.
WINTON: How have you kept it a secret so long.
FAIRBRASS: It hasn't been easy. That Big Brother interview in my bikini was only pulled off after 8 hours in make-up with the girls from Little Britain. But this isn't about me. It's about the fakers who are conning the public. So who is first on the list?
ALAN CARR: It must be Ant and Dec. The little bum boys.
FAIRBRASS: Sorry Alan. They have checked out as straight as a die. surprising as it may be.
WINTON: Kielty. He must be. He has been desperate to get me on that Love Island, and it is not to top up my tan.
FAIRBRASS: Afraid not Dale. We are still checking him out. We want to hit big with our first outing.
FAIRBRASS TURNS THE PAGE ON THE FLIPCHART TO REVEAL A PICTURE OF GORDON RAMSAY.
ALL: Nooooo!
FAIRBRASS: Afraid so. He's as camp as a scout jamboree.
NORTON: What evidence have you got?
FAIRBRASS: Let's check the Davina Code. Number 1, he gets a bit excited at the thought of meat and two veg. Number two, what does he say to all the boys?
NORTON: F*** Me.
FAIRBRASS: Number 3, have you ever seen a straight man get a souffle to rise? Do I need to go on? I think it is time to confront him.
THE DOOR OPENS AND GORDON RAMSAY BURSTS IN LOOKING ABOUT THE ROOM.
RAMSAY: Sorry guys, I'm in the wrong f****ng room. I've got a meeting with Davina f****ng McCall.
FAIRBRASS: (in Davina's voice) This is Davina. Please do not swear.
RAMSAY: f*** me.
FAIRBRASS: The game is up Ramsay.We know your secret. You are as bent as a ten bob note.
RAMSAY: (in camp voice) What a relief. The secrecy has been killing me. And the language is just not me at all.
THE ROOM ALL SQUEAL AND CLAP QUICKLY
FAIRBRASS: All that is left now is to go public with your partner.
RAMSAY: No, please.I'm Ok coming out in public. But please leave Ross Kemp to come out when he is ready.
END
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You can't beat a bit of bully
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