TWO MEN APPROACH CAREFULLY. THEY EACH HOLD TORCHES AND WHISPER THOUGHTFULLY TO EACH OTHER. THEY ARE FOLLOWED BY AN ELDERLY WOMAN WHO IS EATING A PACKET OF CRISPS.
MAN 1: (Flashing his torch downward) Blood spatter pattern indicates that the vic was attacked while standing - here.
MAN 2: (Points torch down) And then the body was dragged back here… into the bedroom.
THE TWO MEN TRACK BACKWARD AND HEAD INTO THE BEDROOM. THE WOMAN FOLLOWS. THEY COME TO THE BEDROOM AND PEER UNDER A BLOOD-STAINED SHEET.
MAN 1: Vic coming out of rigor –
MAN 2: (Checks watch) Placing time of death at around 10:30?
THE TWO MEN LOOK CLOSER. THE WOMAN CRANES HER HEAD AROUND TO GET A BETTER LOOK.
MAN 1: Ligature marks on the wrists and ankles, indicating restraint.
MAN 2: C.O.D?
MAN 1: I’d say exsanguination – she bled-out right here on the bed.
WOMAN: Eurgh!
BOTH MAN TURN AROUND AND FACE THE WOMAN, AS IF NOTICING HER FOR THE FIRST TIME. THEN THEY GET BACK TO WORK.
MAN 2: There are jagged cut marks around the base of the neck, where the head has been completely hacked off.
WOMAN: Ewwwwwww!!
AGAIN, THE MEN GLARE AT THE WOMAN. THEN CONTINUE WITH THEIR EXAMINATION.
MAN 1: Tissue around the wound indicates profuse bleeding.
MAN 2: …Meaning the vic was still alive when he began the process of decapitation?
MAN 1: Exactly!
WOMAN: Ohhhh! Nice!
MAN 1: Look, does your mother HAVE to be here?
MAN 2: Sorry. (He turns to the woman) Mum, could you keep it down please? We’re working here.
WOMAN: Sorry.
THE WOMAN SUCKS THROUGH A STRAW ON A BOX OF JUICE, MAKING LOUD SLURPING NOISES. THE MEN CONTINUE.
MAN 1: (He is completely flustered) Well, that’s thrown me right off me stride. Where was I? (He gets back into character and is suddenly intense again). Multiple stab wounds to the abdomen caused by a frenzied attack with a hunting knife.
WOMAN: Oooooh. (She elbows MAN 2). Did you hear that? Frenzied.
MAN 1 IS PLAINLY IRRITATED, BUT MAN 2 MOLLIFIES HIM BY TAKING A PICTURE. MAN 1 CONTINUES.
MAN 1: The perp must have been left-handed, and stood at around six foot. He stabbed the vic downward at a 45 degree angle around twenty times.
WOMAN: Grisly. I do like a good GRISLY murder.
MAN 1: I’m seeing evidence of a struggle and –
WOMAN: Do you think he had sex with the bloody stump?
MAN 1: I BEG your pardon?
WOMAN: I’m just saying. Do you think he stuffed his nob down her neck?
MAN 1: Right! That’s it! I can’t work like this!
MAN 2: What? Why? What is it?
MAN 1: Here I am trying to be professional and your BLOODY mother is enjoying it! Look at her! She can’t get enough of it!
WOMAN: (Loving it) Oooh, you know, I think she’s been gnawed on by RATS. Do you think she was still alive at the time? Innit DISGUSTING???
MAN 2: Well, yes – but the thing is she’s read EVERYTHING by James Patterson and Patricia Cornwell. Plus, she’s seen every episode of CSI thirty times!
MAN 1: That does NOT qualify her to accompany us to crime scenes! And she’s not coming to any more autopsies either! It’s just embarrassing with her offering biscuits to the medical examiner and poking the corpse with her umbrella!
WOMAN: I’ll bet he’s put the head in the slow-cooker. That’d make it nice and JUICY.
MAN 1: Do you see what I mean? What sort of person THINKS like that? It’s just sick! Sick and twisted and –
VOICE FROM WITHOUT –
VOICE: We found the head, guv. It was in the slow-cooker.
THE WOMAN LOOKS VERY SMUG.
WOMAN: Okay, listen up. This is a crime of power, not passion. Our killer wants to dominate his victims. We’re looking for a white Caucasian, mid-thirties. He’s heterosexual and has trouble performing sexually – he’s never married, lives with his mother, is obsessed with porcelain figurines and has a penis which bears a striking resemblance to TV’s Des Lynam.
ANOTHER OLD LADY SHUFFLES OUT
WOMAN 2: You were spot on guv. We’ve just picked up the perp, hanging around ladies toilets with a mousetrap on his tinkle and a copy of Hello magazine up his bum – as you predicted.
THE CSI MEN LOOK DEJECTED
WOMAN: Never mind boys. You can bag the evidence if you like.
MAN 1: Awwww… it’s not the same. You’ve ruined it now.
WOMAN: I’ve got Jammie Dodgers in my purse for after.
MAN 1: Oh… All right.
THE WOMEN LEAVE AND THE MEN BEGIN TO EXAMINE THE BODY AGAIN.
MAN 1: Well, bugger me… He DID shag the bloody stump!
Another goodun m8. Me and dannyjb1 wrote a series of sketches about an inopportune mum a few years back. Started out just being annoying whilse Dan was trying to watch telly, then moved it into different situations - one defusing an unexploded bomb and the other doing an operation. If I can find 'em I'll post 'em, cos it's a good idea. An idea that we'll no doubt see in 3 years when we're all working together on the 4Laughs sketch show! :-)
